Thread: I don't know when I'm hurting or bothering him

Hey there! I am sorry to say but i personally don't think this is a problem that has any one direct solution. The reason being is because there is honestly a hundred different reasons why this could be happening. We could sit here and speculate which reasons he reacts this way in an argument, but the truth is..i am not a psychologist. I can offer some insight by means of telling you i can identify that same behavior in myself sometimes too. I am a guy- I too notice that when i am in an argument i have to be careful not to become detached. Now...MY REASONS for having that problem are stemmed from me being trained for years to switch off emotions and rely completely on logic when faced with adversity. Part of it also stems from when i was a kid, i used to be emotional and my feelings were hurt by people i trusted a lot. This made me form a sort of "defense mechanism" inside myself that whenever i got into an argument (especially with someone i cared deeply about) my emotions would deaden and i would become colder, more calculated. "If you aren't emotional..your feelings can't get hurt" was my programmed behavior. I am going way off point here. What the point is, is that your man is having trouble expressing his emotions when you guys have arguments. There is a myriad of reasons why this could be happening. The best thing YOU can do, is to lovingly help him realize this. That his emotional detachment makes you feel like maybe he doesnt even care..or wonder if he is even human sometimes. You can help him see that this behavior isn't healthy for communication in a loving relationship. My girlfriend helped me realize that i could TRUST her enough to let my guard down and show her my emotions when we had a tiff about something. That it's alright to be vulnerable to the person you love most. That realization is what helped me. When arguments come up now..and i feel myself starting to detach. I remember that it's alrigghhhttt to show her how i feel. Not only is it alright, but it's crucial for our trust and our communication in the relationship. I know this seems a bit abstract so i am sorry but without knowing your boyfriend and knowing exactly what taught him this behavior, i can't give you more concrete, definitive advice. I hope this helps even a little, though.

Originally Posted by ocularone

MY REASONS for having that problem are stemmed from me being trained for years to switch off emotions and rely completely on logic when faced with adversity.

Thanks so much! My boyfriend actually does this a lot, and I've gotten used to it but he rarely mentions if I've hurt him or if anything I have said has bothered him unless I ask. For some reason it is very hard to ask that question because of course I don't want to hurt him or at least I don't mean to... My friends have actually been questioning whether he is a good person for me because he is "emotionless" and "only speaks in facts," but I am not bothered by that at all and I wish I could make them see how good of a guy he is. He is perceived as a "know-it-all" but I know he'd rather try to make sense of things and solve it rather than get emotional about it, which is something I wish I knew how to do, lol

I can definitely understand your struggle. Is he an emotionless guy all the time or does it seem more like he just becomes detached when you guys argue?

The only time he seems not emotionless is in bed lol I mean he doesn't cry during or anything but he'll wake up to kiss my forehead or something. He seems to show emotion more through action than through words, which I'm beginning to understand, but it's just hard when we disagree because I can't not be emotionless and see the logic that he's trying to dole out.

Not that we disagree all the time, I just want that noted. I just want to be more understanding toward him

pick up the book 5 easy steps to take your marriage from good to great it has great explanations on the differences between the way men and woman communicate when it comes to relationships and emotions.

So I read excerpts of that book via Google Books and I found the author's models a little hard to follow because it seems like we are nothing like the couples he or she was studying, and a lot of pages were omitted obviously because they'd rather people buy the book than check out excerpts online. Basically, my boyfriend doesn't shower me with gifts like flowers or anything because he believes that expression should be more through language and action rather than spoiling me with candy and flowers because they don't properly convey the values that he upholds when in a romantic relationship.

Lol, ocularone, is this how logical you are? Hahaha. It actually took me a long time to get used to his mindset about everything, and that's why my friends are like "Get someone better, you deserve better!" but it actually does make sense in a strange way. And I mean, I'm allergic to flowers, and he still buys me birthday presents; it's not like he's depriving me of anything.

I just feel like the couples in the book followed such a conventional model of normalcy in a romantic relationship that the author was looking for a type of norm that he or she wanted to stick to, and did. To be honest, my boyfriend and I are kind of counter-cultural if you ask me. We don't even celebrate anniversaries.

Though, thank you, sourpuss, because there were a couple of things that were insightful.

Originally Posted by holetoledo

My boyfriend is the really manly type and he doesn't show emotions when we disagree. It's really hard to read him because he just doesn't get that upset... But when I ask and he points out what he felt bothered by, I'm always surprised because honestly since he puts up that front I kind of forget he has emotions. I don't mean to, but when he acts that way it's hard to see a human side.

What should I do?

Nothing I can be the same way not every guy is an emotional puss bag. He probably gets more annoyed you asking about if afterwards than the actual fight. People say things they don’t mean when they’re angry all the time just be thankful you’re with a guy that lets things roll off his back. Some guys have thick armor and you have to try pretty hard to crack it and making a big deal out of it and thinking there’s something wrong with him, reading books trying to fix him is going to bug him and make him more angrier than any fight you've had.

Let it go not everything needs to be analyzed and fixed. Well thats my opinion anyway maybe he is a very sensitive guy I don’t know.