Not sure if my boyfriend is gay/bi

**Lola8315** · 07-09-2010 03:27 PM

I've been dating this guy since March of this year, things are going well. I've met his family, he has met mine and things were looking great. Our sex live is also really good. It wasnt until he recently gave me access, password and all to his Itunes account. I decided last night that I would go through his download history to see what he has been purchasing. I notice that last year in October he download this app for his phone where you can track down gay men in the area that want to chat or meet up. He then upgraded to a better version in February. We got together in March. So I dont know how to bring this up since I have too at this point. I cant ignore it or think that it will go away. Has anybody been in this similar situation? I need help!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-09-2010 05:01 PM

Lola,that's difficult..

He obviously felt comfortable, letting you "into" his personal space and in a way, I think you should respect that.

As, a result you found something you didn't like.

He may have done it for a bit of fun, he may have been with a male in the past, he may have just been curious, he may have subscribed for a friend.

I wouldn't go off and ask straight out, "hey, I was looking at your Itune accounts, but decided to see everything you've purchased".. without trust there is no relationship.

You can, broach the subject casually, in a conversation, about gay people in general and see what his response is, and you can, also in a casual conversation, make it known that you despise cheaters and would never stay in a relationship if your partner cheated.

He chose you. Most "people" when they enter an exclusive relationship do so because they are happy with that person, want to be with that person, doesn't mean he has or will cheat on you, or has ever acted out this act.

Point being that you should know, the way he treats you, loves you, if he is your life for now, for you.. and is not looking elsewhere or goes missing sometimes...

It's early in this relationship to throw a curv ball. By making it clear what you do and do not agree with within a relationship, like any relationship, if the other person goes against that, you have a right to walk...

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-12-2010 10:29 AM

I just think you should look at it the same as if you'd found a dating site for him to meet females in his area. I have a feeling that wouldn't be okay either, so it shouldn't be okay just because it's men and he might be "curious".

To me, it's unacceptable and would have to be addressed. Searching for people to actually meet is quite different than looking at porn.

**rcoreyus** · 07-12-2010 09:46 PM

It might be serious. It might be a sort of joke of his. It might even be a honey-trap to see if you are snooping. It might be a sort of curiosity - once when I was in a middle america bible belt town, I did a search for nearby escort services just to see if any existed (they did).

In any case, from the dates, this was before he started dating you, so he may have done nothing wrong. Maybe he was bi, or maybe he experimented - but he is with you now.

**stressed** · 07-13-2010 05:55 AM

He has an app on his phone to track gay men in the area. I wouldn't be happy about this. I think it's better to be honest about it and tell him what you found than have it in the back of your head all the time, looking for signals as to whether he's gay or not. Better have this discussion early in the relationship than later. If he was bi until February then he must still be bi today and that is something you should be aware of. Not because he might cheat on your with a man, but this is definitely something you must know.

**Lola8315** · 07-13-2010 05:16 PM

Thank you for your responses. I am meeting with him tonight. This is a very fine line which I do not know how to cross or not cross. After all, I cant blame him for things he did or not from before we got together. Its like him getting upset at me if he found out I slept with other men before we met. I think its just the whole gay not gay thing. I talked to my brother and he told me that questioning a man about his sexuality is something he might not take lightly. He also said that maybe he was curious but decided that he isnt thats why he is with me. Lets see what happens tonight! Wish me luck ladies

**stressed** · 07-14-2010 03:10 AM

Well, better know what you are dealing with now, before you accidentally stumble across gay porn on his computer 2 years down the road and get a shock...

**KGL** · 07-18-2010 10:09 PM

I wish shock was the only emotion felt in this kind of situation. I've been living with my boyfriend for 2 years now and last week, not only did I find gay porn but his user information for several online adult dating sites where he has listed himself as "man looking for men." Although shock was my initial reaction, this past week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I fluctuate between hurt, crushed and betrayed to relieved. Why am I relieved? Because when you're involved with someone who has a hidden sexual orientation, your self esteem can really take a beating. About a year ago he stopped pursuing me and when I tried to initiate intimacy, 99% of the time I was rejected. For the past 6 months he was done everything he can to avoid being in bed with me when we are both awake. Several times I have asked him if he wants me to leave. He said no, but yet the avoidance continued. After my discovery last week, I was so relieved. All this time I was thinking there was something wrong with me when in fact we are just sexually incompatible!

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