Question for the girls...
Hi everybody, I'm a young male with a relationship problem (shocking, isn't it?)
My girlfriend and I have been together for just short of five months now, which isn't long "per se," but it's not too short, if you take our ages into consideration (I'm fifteen, she's seventeen).
The first month of our relationship wasn't physical at all, and I was okay with that, because I knew she'd grow out of it (I'm her first boyfriend, so I was patient). Gradually she did grow out of it, and we started holding hands, cuddling, kissing, making out, etc.
The second/third month, things were very physical. She'd come over to my house and we'd kiss a lot, make out a lot, get on top of each other.. etc. I really liked it. I felt very attracted to her, so I was always quick to initiate physical things (understandable considering that she's two and a half years older than me, and I'm attracted to her in about as many ways as I have skin cells) I felt like our relationship was progressing nicely, but she began feeling we were too physical. I agreed to a degree, so I backed off a bit.
Later, she nearly broke up with me because we'd been fighting a lot for varying reasons... I think she was always a bit on edge because of the time of the month, her attempts at weight loss (without my support, by the way... She's very skinny as it is), various sports-related injuries, and possibly a few other factors. I did all I could, and we went out on the Fourth of July, then things were basically back to normal.
After that, we went out to dinner, and I had her back over at my house (we were alone, in my basement watching a movie) when I tried to kiss her. She kissed me three or four times, then pulled back out, and we watched the movie... About twenty minutes later, the movie got a bit boring and montage-ish, so I kissed her again... We made out for a second or two, then she pulled out yet again. When the movie had ended, I tried to kiss her, and she wouldn't. I did all of the things she liked physically.. Kissed her stomach, held her close to me, and tried again, and she still refused. She left a bit flustered.
I texted her later and asked why she didn't want to kiss me any more. She didn't really have an answer at first, but finally, after an hour of pestering her, she said she felt like she was an object to me. Like I was using her for physical pleasure, and she didn't want a part in that. I didn't know how to respond.
She said the novelty of kissing had worn off, and it simply wasn't special to her any more, and she didn't want to do it any more. She used to really enjoy it and be turned on by it, but that just disappeared. I don't know where it went, or why she suddenly thinks I'm a pervert for wanting to kiss my girlfriend (part of that might be that I explained I have a few physical needs, because I don't masturbate or watch porn or anything like that... I need a tiny bit of a physical release, and if that doesn't happen with her in mild exposures, I'll end up stressed all the time, and having wet dreams, etc.) It's impossible to be with her and not want to kiss her, I'm crazy about her, and I'm turned on by her presence.
So if any of you managed to read all of that, thanks. What should I do? Any input is appreciated!
(For the tl;dnr crowd, just read the last three paragraphs)
Does she still want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? If so, how does she want the relationship to progress if she is now going to be anti-intimacy?
Any reason you don't masturbate? That may help you take the "itch" off...
I must say though... You do sound incredibly put together for 15....
Friendship Prayer
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
Amen
Whoever said anything was possible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
Yeah, she's fairly crazy about me. She just wants everything to be strictly emotional and mental... Sounds like she has friends who have done that and are still together(for 2+ years, as well) so she has it in her head that that'll be a good idea.Originally Posted by LanaBear
I don't masturbate because of religious reasons... I never have... I was raised Catholic, so I'd be guilty about it if I did lol
Haha, thanks for that last part
Well, you've obviously got to respect her wishes, even if you disagree with them. So, I guess what it comes down to, is this something that you can deal with? Wanting more but not getting it, even with what little more you want. Does she happen to feel guilty after, as you may if you masturbated? Does it have to do with her own religious beliefs?
Is she still okay with holding hands, hugging, cuddling still?
Friendship Prayer
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
Amen
Whoever said anything was possible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
Well, I don't think she's guilty... She just doesn't seem to look at kissing the way most people do, I guess. She's not a *total* intimacy nazi... We can hold hands and cuddle. I don't think it's related to religion, she feels like I'm using her as (obviously a very mild) sex object.. Like just somebody to kiss. Which isn't true.
Have you thought about the age?
Most people think it's 'pervy' for a boy to be with a younger girl so maybe she feels funny being with a younger boy and having any form of sex with someone that's younger than her, personally i have never been with anyone younger than me and it would seem pretty wierd if i was.
Maybe just ask her why she is the way she is, ask her if there's anything you can do to make her feel more at ease.
She might even feel better if you explain to her that that's not all you want and you want to have the motional side to the relationship to.
x
Last edited by Jex; 07-10-2010 at 01:51 PM.
Thanks for your responses everybody... I think we're doing okay. I called her and really explained my feelings in depth, and things seem to be a little bit more back to 'normal.' She said a few physical things will be fine in moderation, so hopefully we won't end up with a huge rift in our relationship or anything like that.
I just want to commend both of you for your maturity. But I must say I'm very proud of this girl, because at her age she could easily jump into the physical side of things and ignore the rest. Sounds like she's trying to maintain some self control. Physical intimacy does not establish a foundation for a relationship. So here's sort of how I see it:
-She put on the brakes and communicated with you that she wanted to hold off on the physical aspect of things.
-If she makes out with you, you're getting hot and bothered then you're telling her you have this physical need for release that you can't take care of on your own because of your religion. But does your religion not stop her from taking care of that for you too?
- She feels ALOT of pressure. She feels like everytime you're around her you're trying to take things to a physical level, which is what she's already explained she doesn't want, and if she does, then in a sense she's made to feel guilty for leaving you so "unsatisfied".
So really, be careful using your religion as a reason not to take care of yourself because it sounds very hypocritical then to turn around and put pressure on her to take care of you like that. Thats like saying " I don't want God to punish me, but I don't care if he punishes you". Make sense?
I'm sure she'd love to just kiss you. But kissing you leads to making out, leads to her on top of you, leads to her obviously feeling guilt about it and feeling pressured, therefore she doesn't want to do that.
So, my advice is if you truly care for this girl, more than just on a physical level, then respect her wishes, respect her body, respect her mind, and leave the physical stuff alone. Otherwise, pressuring her (i.e. telling her you need release, trying to make out with her over and over and over when she clearly doesn't want to) will push her away.
Good luck!!!
Oh dear.
I'm probably not the best person to comment on your situation. I don't want to disrespect anyone's belief systems but... isn't sex kind of an all or none deal with most religions? If you come right down to it, it's all about control through guilt and all of it is considered wrong. I just don't see how the making out is OK but masterbation isn't. But then the only thing I see wrong in sex is if it's not consentual, caring or respectful (of course you must always practice safe sex). I've never understood the whole virginity thing or why people feel a need to play games with themselves and others sexual needs. But you are young and have plenty of time to figure it out.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Well, it's not like I'm trying to get her to give me a hand job, or anything extreme like that... If what I'm asking for can happen in a PG-rated movie, I don't think there will be a major religious outburst over it.
I'm very attracted to her, (in many ways besides the physical.. She has a 4.0 GPA while she's in sports, band, choir and holding down two jobs, she says lots of cute, funny things... The list goes on..) and it's more like her presence is what gets me 'bothered and hot' which makes it very hard to be around her and resist the urge to kiss her a little, etc... Which she (until recently) has felt was me doing it solely out of selfishness.
I don't think I should bother with derailing this thread and going into religious reasons as to why it's not a hypocritical situation on my part, so please take my word for it that it's not
(On top of that, if she thought I masturbated, she'd probably dump me...)
I did my best to make her understand how I felt/feel, and now she does, so we're working things out.
Thanks again to everybody for your concern and advice
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