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Thread: Does he care more about his friends than about me?

  1. #1
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    Default Does he care more about his friends than about me?


    I was in a relationshiip with someone for two years, we broke up but still kept in contact which was very very hard for me because I still loved him. Now two years later after not being together he wanted to try again and see if things will work out. I think this will be good for me because I had been hanging on to hope for 2 years...so if this doesn't work out I know I will have closure and can move on. Its going to either work and get married later, or not work and say goodbye. That being said, I am pretty scared about the idea that we may have to just say goodbye. I feel like he puts his friends above me...and I do not want to live my whole life feeling like that. For example, I was on a short trip for 4 days with my girlfriends and just got back yesterday, of course i'm eager to see him. While i was gone, he was out with his friends on all of those days too....he called last night to tell me about how great is was, and told me a really funny story that happened, but then when i started talking about stuff, he fell asleep (happens a lot, cuz he likes to call me at bedtime). This morning he apologized, and said he would really like to see me tonight...then five minutes later he remembered that today was "Monday night at the bar Night" and that he would see first if his friends were going to cancel. If they cancel, he will come see me, if not he goes to the bar night. So, my heart sank just a bit, cuz i felt like "second place." I tried to explain it to him, but he doesn't understand why I should feel upset. Am I being unreasonable? I believe having friends is very important for everyone, but I feel like this sort of thing may happen a lot with us and not sure if I am behaving like a selfish immature girl, or if it really means he is just happy having friends, and doesn't need a woman in his life?

  2. #2
    VIP Member Array Jayla2251's Avatar
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    He has to make time for everyone. Including you. And it sounds like he hasnt made any time for you. He made plans with you, then remembered other plans, and is just going to let it go and see if his friends want to go out. Since it's still early. I would just try and let it go. Make a date, a real write it on the calender date. Maybe like a week away. If he makes the date, and that's making time for you, good. If he doesnt keep the date then it will show you that he may not be ready for a real relationship.

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    jns
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    Triple Diamond Member (3,000+ posts & member 3 years+) Array jns's Avatar
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    restating: at this place in the relationship, you are not at a position for him to cancel an ongoing commitment to take up a later commitment with you. I can see how it would make you feel second best. He obviously handled it clumsily. How many nights a week does he have time to get together with friends? If he gets together with them a lot, he was wrong. If he doesn't, do you want him to dump his friends to spend time with you? I can see this happening as a relationship matures, but usually not if the relationship is still young.

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    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Array kygirl's Avatar
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    I would have to agree with jns somewhat. I'd pick a date next week sometime...maybe give him two days and say, hey would you like to go eat or something one of these days. Tell him to doublecheck his calendar. If he never has a free day and/or if he starts making dates with you and then cancelling to see his friends I'd hit the road. It's one thing to not want to cancel his previous commitment with them but it's a completely different thing to always have you waiting as a "backup"... Hope it works out for you. It's going to have to be about balance eventually.

    maybe you should also try to talk a little earlier when you talk? I think I'd get quite frustrated if someone always fell asleep on me.
    If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
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    Wow, i think this forum is really helpful, thanks for all your advice. True, he does have a "monday night bar Night" thing with some of his friends that he really likes to do... i guess i was just really eager to see him after my trip, i can stand to wait another day. However, he does tend to go out with his friends to bars/late night bonfires etc... on weekends and also a couple weekdays every week...he has more friends than i can count so its a bit hard to balance....you are right that this early in the relationship I shouldn't expect to be number one. It feels differently though since we were in a committed relationships for 2 years before...so I kind of was thinking like we were back in that place again.

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    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Array kygirl's Avatar
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    You're going to have to maintain some balance yourself as well I know it's really difficult after you have this long relationship to just "start over", but there will be some time that you're going to have to adjust and get to know each other again. Obviously whatever you all did before didn't work. I don't know if it was just needing to grow up a bit or if you spent too much time together or arguing, whatever, but be sure that you don't start doing those same things again. Let him know that even though you are glad he is back in your life, you do have other interests, people, etc. It may seem odd at first when you want to spend so much time with him and catch up, etc, but trust me...in the long haul, you'll be glad
    If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
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    It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.--Noel Coward

    Live your life and forget your age. --Norman Vincent Peale

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    WH Super Moderator Array Hopeless Dork's Avatar
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    He doesn't sound like he is in a time in his life where he is ready to be in a relationship, to be honest. Friends are crucial and important... but when someone is ready for love , friends come second... not the other way around. By that I mean, if there is an established monday bar night, it'll still be there next week, and the week after. Missing one bar night to spend with you after you having been gone on vacation is not too much to ask.

    He even states his friends might cancel ... so THEY can cancel, and its no biggie.. but not him... he can't cancel, if its on he must go. That shows his friends have priorties they place above bar night ... and he ... doesn't.

    Thing is you can't force him to want to spend time with you, to be excited to see you after not having seen you for days. That comes organically or doesn't. And it sounds like it just doesn't. That doesn't mean he doesn't love or care for you, it just may mean he isn't really as into this as you are.

    For if you met with your friends every wednesday for lunch, some miss, some go... its not a huge deal its something you guys just do. And if he were gone for a week and returned and wanted to sweep you off for a trip to the beach that wednesday... would you have a problem phoning in girls lunch week? Probably not, you'd probably not even have to think twice about missing it... as other girls miss it for hair appointments sometimes -- its just not a make it or break it event.

    If you feel the way I suspect, and can read his enthusiasm the way i saw you write it, you can see there is an imbalance on where you each fall into line on each others priority lists.

    But... it may be that things are just new again, and he is not as invested yet. Sometimes one partner takes longer to invest and especially RE-invest their feelings so I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that its doomed to fail.

    Give it time, don't whine about it because it would serve no purpose. You can't will someone to be into things if they are not. And you can't base whether or not he's into things on an isolated event. But if you see a pattern developing, your wise to notice it and then make your decision as to whether or not its in your best interest to fully emotionally invest in this reunion.
    Last edited by Hopeless Dork; 07-20-2010 at 10:50 AM.
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    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) FEBRUARY 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array stressed's Avatar
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    I agree with HD.

    You don't mention whether he had a relationship those last two years or not, so if he didn't have any then maybe he's more into his friends (and living like a bachelor) than a committed relationship. Considering he meets his friends weekly, it was rude of him to say that he'd meet you if his friends would cancel, especially after spending 4 days with them and not you. Do you know these friends? Do they have relationships, or are they a group of single men? How old is he? Is it possible that he agreed to try again with you just to have a family like a "normal person" more than because he wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him?

    Beginning or in a relationship, waiting for your friends to make up their minds before you meet the one you're attracted to/interested in does not fit. You either want to or you don't. When you want to then you can turn the world upside down to do so, even more so in the beginning. But when you don't want to then you make up excuses. I'm not sure if he has decided what he wants yet.

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    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    Start being busy and unavailable. Let him have to find a way to see you, when it works for you. Get over this business of just sitting on the shelf until he has time to dust you off.
    Falling asleep when you are talking, after you've listened to all he has to say??? Friends always come first, can't skip reg "bar night" with the guys?
    Darlin' he's just not that in to you.

    Brings to mind a young man in my family. One day he was complaining of buddies who were so into some girl they no longer had time to get together. A year later he was asking, what's wrong with these guys? Why would I want to waste time with them when OXOXO is here?
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer

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    I think you're worrying way too much about this, firstly your b/f has obviously got used to spending a lot more time with his friends during your 2year break and you cant blame him for enjoying his friends company. Secondly he wont want to suddenly start cancelling plans with his friends in favour of his g/f-thus being the 'whipped' guy! My boyfriend has a friend like this and its pathetic and sad to always see him cancelling to be with his girlfriend-boy time is just as important as girl time.

    Just explain to him that you want to spend more time with him to really work on the relationship and make more of an effort to spend time together when he's not with his friends. If you still feel you are not spending enough time together then maybe you need to start thinking about whether his heart is really in it. But dont give up without really trying or you'll be left wondering for another two years! good luck

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