So what's a girl to do?

**sungoddesschelsy** · 07-20-2010 01:37 PM

I'm a new user, just joined and I hope to get some insight so here goes.
My man and I have been together for 3 and a half years, I was 19 and he was 30. So in short it was my first serious relationship and his umpteenth. He has 1 child by an ex-wife and 3 by a woman he never married. Here is my problem, we've had a really rocky time this past year. Partly because he decided to move back to his mother’s house which is in FL and I live in KS, and partly because I strayed from our relationship and cheated with someone he knew here in KS. This happened Oct of 09 and he returned the next month after that and I felt so horrible about what I had done I came out and told him that I had cheated on him. (He says he knew when he was in FL and he wanted to see if I would tell him the truth) We haven't gotten past this. I think he hasn't forgiven because he'll bring up the guy all the time, I'll ask him a simple everyday question and he'll say "ask Mike..." and of course arguments are always opportunities to tell me how much I messed up and how he really found out what I was about when I did that to him. Not to mention that he cheated on me about 6 months into the relationship with the woman he never married, she got pregnant and he never told me about the baby. I found out about him cheating and this baby because she called my phone one day and asked to speak with him, I told her that he wasn't there and she said "well I'm the mother of his 3 children and I need to speak with him"... I was only aware of 2... I've forgiven him for this, it hurts more than anything because there is a child involved and it’s not mine but I've gotten past it. So what I’m saying is do I keep trying to make this relationship work? Is this going to go on forever? I’m at the age that I’m starting to want children in my life and I have no intentions on marrying a man that will torture me with this for the rest of our lives. Another doubt I have is how much he currently sees his children, he’s lived with me since a month after we started dating and they’ve never been to my house. Ever, in almost 4 years and he’s gone to see them but that isn’t what I want for children. It’s old fashion now a days but I want a husband to be there for my whole life and for him to see his children every day of their lives no matter whether I’m with their father or not.

**LanaBear** · 07-20-2010 02:36 PM

Some people can never forgive and even few will never really forget. You were able to forgive him. He cannot forgive you. So, you have a choice to make, can you be in a relationship where your mistake is thrown in your face continuously for anything that you do that he may not like?

He's got children who he doesn't see, so, you should be prepared that if you have children with him and things don't work out, the same may happen to you. Not to mention, he's already responsible, financially and emotionally for three children.

IMO, you'd be better off cutting your losses and finding someone who can and will love you. You cheated because something was missing. Find someone who gives you all of themselves, someone who can be there for you emotionally. I'm not saying you were right in cheating on him, but if you were 100% happy and satisfied in your relationship, chances are you would not have. Find that someone who can give that to you.

**jns** · 07-20-2010 07:12 PM

Originally Posted by LanaBear

IMO, you'd be better off cutting your losses and finding someone who can and will love you. You cheated because something was missing. Find someone who gives you all of themselves, someone who can be there for you emotionally. I'm not saying you were right in cheating on him, but if you were 100% happy and satisfied in your relationship, chances are you would not have. Find that someone who can give that to you.

I agree with LanaBear. Make a pledge not to cheat to yourself.

**KMonte85** · 07-21-2010 07:52 AM

It is absolutely not old fashioned to want the father of your children to be their for his kids. You've seen already that the man you're with is not a good father, and really, he's not going to be good spouse material for you. He cheated, you cheated - apparently to him your indescretion was worse for some reason? He's still punishing you for what you did, all the while he kept secret that his cheating resulting in his FOURTH child.

You're young, this is your first serious relationship, but even you can see that staying on this path will not give you the life and companionship that you want and deserve to have.

Let him go, take some time for yourself, realize that you're worth so much more than the emotional abuse, lying, and cheating. It is obvious by the words you've written here that you already know what you need, what you want, what you deserve out of life. You've put it in words, now put it in motion!

**echoskybound** · 07-21-2010 08:38 PM

So he cheated on your early in your relationship, fathered a child while he was with you with someone else, and won't let go of the fact that you cheated on him once? I know that cheating is a mistake, but you told him and you've apologized and forgiven him. What I think I see here is a guy who thinks he doesn't make mistakes. That's my own father - everyone else is wrong but him. he thinks he never does anything wrong, but everyone else does. I can tell you that I hated being raised by someone like that.

My straight out answer: This relationship isn't working for you. If I were you, I wouldn't want to raise children with him, let alone expend my energy trying to make it work. I wouldn't want to be one of the mothers of his many kids. Children are going to be the most important thing in your life... raise them with someone who's important enough to you to stay committed to and enjoy life with. You're going to want a partner who can be the father that makes your heart swell with love when you see him playing with your kids, not the guy who shows up and takes them away for half the week.

As LanaBear said, you cheated on him likely because the relationship wasn't right, and that's probably why he cheated on you. I think you're going to want to be with someone who you would never, for a moment, consider cheating on. I would never even consider being disloyal to my current boyfriend who I love dearly, because it's a relationship I want to keep and there's no question about it. I think if you have to ask about whether or not to keep the relationship, then something's really not right.

**sungoddesschelsy** · 07-22-2010 10:13 AM

I'm sure you are all right... and I've told myself that so many times. My huge problem/excuse is that I just don't want to be alone. I'm not huge on going out and partying like alot of people my age, I'd rather stay in the comfort of my own home and have a good time with one or two friends and that makes it extremely difficult to meet new people. The next excuse is I've got to get him to move out... sadly he lives with me like I said so when we decide to break up he pulls the "nowhere to go" thing and I'll let him sleep on the couch. he'll come into bed at some odd time in the AM and I'll cave and have sex which he thinks makes it all better and we are back to the same spot we started in.
Thank you all very much for your reply
Chelsy

**prawnprincess** · 07-25-2010 10:01 AM

sungoddesschelsy,
I know it is difficult and messy just thinking about breaking up. I was in a similar situation with an older man who had a child. It was my first serious relationship, and it lasted almost a year. I had to make him move out and he was really terrible about it. The good news is that although it took me a long time to recover, when I was dating my next boyfriend things were so much better that I couldn't believe that I had stayed with that guy for so long. I didn't realize how easy and wonderful a relationship could be! I know you can find a man- a real man- who is sweet, considerate, caring, and loyal. The more time you give to this guy, the more you're missing out on being able to meet a decent man or even live a life without so much drama.

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