Friends with benefits too complicated?

**itry** · 07-25-2010 02:09 PM

I'm 35. Divorced. And dating. I have a "friends with benefits" situation with a guy who I know is not relationship material. Ultimately, I want to be with someone who is! I'm so attracted to him though and just get such a rush spending time with him. We started off dating almost a year ago, but after several months and several disappointments (cancelling plans at the last minute or sometimes AFTER we were supposed to get together), I broke it off with him. It wasn't just that he was inconsiderate--he is not expressive or communicative. He is a workaholic and is pretty selfish. After a couple of weeks of being without him, I started to feel over him. Then one night he showed up and poured his heart out. We gave it another go, and not surprisingly, ended up right where we started. After I broke it off the second time, I suggested the "friends with benefits" relationship. To be honest, even though I knew he wasn't the right guy for me, I didn't want to give him up. I also didn't want to hold myself back from the potential of finding the right guy for me. Let me be clear though, that I had no intention (and still don't) of being sexually intimate with anyone else other than my "friend." Now here I am almost a year later, finding myself still feeling disappointed and still wanting more with him.

We'll spend time together, he says all these terribly sweet and thoughtful things, then I think "well... maybe... we...?" Then I get disappointed all over again. I've made the decision, but I continue to contemplate! I know a life with him would be heartbreaking--so why can't I just walk away? Our relationship works when I have no expectations. When I'm just in the moment with him... He's already told me that he knows that he's not a good boyfriend and that I deserve better than him. That just endears him to me more. I sound ridiculously silly, I know. Then on top of that, I've gone on a few dates here and there, but I haven't met anyone I'm even remotely attracted to. I know the answer is to work on me and try to understand what is wrong with me to want to be in a relationship such as this. But the reason I'm even writing this is that even though I know that's the best thing, I don't want to! Any advice? Empathy? Criticism? Thanks!!!!

**jns** · 07-25-2010 02:19 PM

Many women think that by loving a guy, he will return the feelings and they will be able to fix him. It works in some cases, but I think it doesn't in most. FWB gives both of you part of a relationship which has to be torn apart to create a real relationship with someone else. That means time single in between which can be scary.

**itry** · 07-25-2010 02:27 PM

Do you think that it's possible that by staying "stuck" with this relationship, I'm keeping myself unavailable? Funny, there's an ad for Eat, Pray, Love right by your post, and that whole story is based on this woman taking that time for her...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-25-2010 04:45 PM

You are un-available

You may have been on a few dates, but we are emotional creatures and you have warm fuzzies, even though you know it's not enough you want more, how can you become attracted to someone else? Someone will have to sweep you off your feet, without you realising...You could be 40 by then

There is something incredibly sexy about, seeing someone, the wait, the getting dressed a little, the laughter, no fights, then they leave and your alone and you think, well I love that feeling, I hate this part and it tares you a little. Confusion, but the "good" part your letting outwaying the bad part.

The above really does apply to a "great relationship" though, and that also gives you more, much, much more, including the "good" part... You can keep sparks in a relationship, by ensuring both of you, that you just do... and because, you make an effort..

Your missing out big time... so go with the lonley, a little more than your doing it now, like full time.... and really see the above, you can have this and more, if you were to let go.

He's more than likely just a batchelor

Type person and it's too late to try to turn it backwards .....

CW

**WildChild** · 07-25-2010 05:39 PM

Yes, you are holding yourself back from finding what you really want by staying connected to this man. He is playing you like a harp. He gets sex and some fun time with you when he wants it, you get an illusion of a possiblity.
I think that the ONLY chance you have of ever having anything with him, is if you say, I care for you but can't do this anymore - good bye. Coincidentally this is also the only chance you have to find something with anyone else either. You will just have to plan on some down time. I know it's hard but you have to. I get to be quite cranky without sex but right now I am surviving it and since I'm just about the horniest woman in the state, it I can do it, so can you.

**itry** · 07-29-2010 10:10 AM

Thanks for the advice. I know it's in my best interest to break it off. We got together again last night, and I could not sleep. I felt so anxious and tense. My intuition is guiding me. I just have to listen to it. It's going to be hard, but I think in the long run it would be a lot more difficult to stay in this relationship. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

**PandaPaws** · 07-29-2010 04:34 PM

Yes, it will be hard. But remember what YOU want. A relationship. He doesn't, and he's made it clear. That's an ultimate deal breaker in my book. Best of luck as you deal with this and good luck.

**itry** · 08-08-2010 09:41 AM

Well, I want to thank you all so much for your replies, and I also wanted to give an update because hopefully it might help someone else who's in a similar situation. For so long I felt a tremendous amount of anxiety because I was in a situation that I knew wasn't in my best interest. As much as I wanted to walk away, I was scared to. Scared of...? Being alone? Making a mistake? And let's be honest, I was somewhat addicted to him. It finally got to the point I just couldn't stay stuck in that limbo any longer. We talked. I told him how I felt. We acknowledged that our relationship would not move beyond where we were, and so therefore I couldn't move forward unless it was without him. I spent a couple of days moping, but since we've split, this incredible weight has been lifted. While I was going through the indecision (for months), I wasn't taking care of myself. I drank way too much way too often. Some nights I didn't brush my teeth. Depressed. I was in this constant state of turmoil. Now that we've split, I've started to honor myself again. I feel motivated to nurture myself--to eat well and exercise. I don't wake up feeling anxious. Last night he left a message saying he was calling to see how I was doing. When I saw the missed call, my heart started pounding and I felt the anxiety washing over me again. I played it safe, texted instead of returning the call. I was honest and said that I doing well because now I'm focused on taking care of myself. I really am doing great! And I feel good about embracing where I am, and I'm excited about what the future holds.