Bf moved in, now I think I've taken him on to raise!
I have posted various little gripes about my bf on here, this is just the latest one, but boy did it give me the red-a!! My bf moved in with me a couple of months ago and since he has given me little b its of money here and there to help with groceries, not much. Well a couple of weeks ago his 2 girls came to stay for the month, so now I am supporting 6 people! And I bet he has given me a total of $140 since they came. Then his oldest daughters birthday was this past weekend, and she wanted a luau party at the house. So I had already been buying decorations here and there and bought a cake mold, etc. Then we go out to do the main shopping for it friday, we go to party city to get all the hula skirts, coconut bras, leis and such. He found some more tiki torches he liked even though we had already bought some. We have a basket full and go to checkout. He takes out the tiki torches and plastic cups and says he will pay for that and I got stuck with paying the rest! His came out to $22 and mine to $40, and that was after taking out a few thinks cause I was so mad! This was for his daughters birthday and he certainly didn't help me pay for my sons birthday a couple of weeks ago. He bought him one $14 present and a few balloons!! I was so mad I almost cried and couldn't say a word, he asked me what was wrong a few times, but I said I didn't want to talk about it (we had 2 kids with us). He must have guessed cause he stopped at the bank, pulled out $200 and gave it to me, saying he said he was going to give me money for bills, then paid for all the groceries after that.
That made me feel a little better, but still, why make me pay for the majority of decorations if he had the money and was going to be giving me money anyway?? I just don't get it. And I kinda feel like I'm being taken advantage of a little bit. He lets me pay for a lot of stuff as it is, and I have really been struggling with money. He has a decent job, he does have a lot of bills of his own and child support to pay, so I have been trying to be understanding, but that pushed me over the line a little bit. I still haven't said anything about it.
If you don't offer to pay in the first place he can't 'let you pay'. Don't take your wallet with you when you go shopping for things that are for him and his daughters. Make it known that you are trying to budget and save money and he'll get the hint.
A: he isn't 'making' you, you are just going along with it.Originally Posted by rhiannon34
B: He doesn't 'let' you pay, are are paying. 'Let" sounds like it's some sort of privilage
C: Bettcha he wasn't going to be giving you money anyway and that isn't very much. He was just covering his fanny because he saw you were upset.
D: You need to get over the 'little bit' and get good and POd, he is taking you to the cleaners, using you and playing you like a harrp.
E: You need to find your voice and start using it. Let me recommend that you start with a nice short word - NO.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
After you get NO down pat. Try - GET OUT. Those would be two really good words for you, I think.
Where would he be if he wasn't living off of you?
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
What is his income like compared to yours? Is he completely broke, or is he fine and just not spending his own money?
Even if he is broke, you are under no obligation to pay for his children's stay or birthday parties or anything else... that should be covered by him and the kids' mother. And really, how did it come to pass that his children would be staying with you for a month? Its one thing if you agreed to it, but if you're not happy with it then you need to S-P-E-A-K U-P!
He's got to realize that the financial balance is tipped pretty heavily in your direction right now... where does he think groceries and utilities and that roof over his (and his children's) head come from? The money fairy? No, he's most likely well aware of the situation... but instead of stewing about it and getting heated and then not saying anything when you're angry, you need to sit him down and talk to him about this situation.
Yes, I realize that's easier said than done.. I had a very similar problem to yours a few months ago when my boyfriend moved in with me and conveniently stopped paying for any living expenses. I stewed, I came on here and complained, and then I decided it was time to talk to the man! I did, and we figured it out and things have been fine since.
Moral of the story: Talk to him!
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know this sounds odd, but I don't know how much he makes or what he does with his money. He's very weird about not telling me things and keeping things from me. Not out of malice, but out of serious insecurity. I have tried to talk to him about that, but it doesn't change and I don't like to seem like a harpy. I know how much he makes , only because he keeps his check stubs in his underwear drawer. He makes more than me, not by a landslide or anything, but I recieve a hefty amount of child support, wear as he pays. At the end of the day, I bring home more than he does. He has a car payment (i don't), he has a conn's payment for his new tv ( I finance nothing), his cell phone, etc. I pay all the rent, utilities, groceries, cable, all of it. Before we lived together he was living with his sister. This is where ya'll are like, "oh, and this is all a big surprise to you". I know, I know. But he was only divorced a year, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
I agreed to let his kids come stay of course, I just thought he was going to be taking responsibilty for them for some crazy reason.
You're right, I'm just gonna need to get all this off my chest. I'm getting real tired here of raising 5 kids all by myself.
So he went from wife, to sister, to you? Did he go from mom to wife?
Has he ever not had a woman taking care of him?
This kind of dependency cycle is more common for women but the advice would be the same. He needs to get out on his own and take care of himself for a few years. He NEEDS to do that.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
I agree with WC, he needs to take responsibility for himself. It's not your job to pick up the slack on necessities because he wanted a big TV for himself. If he wants to give his kids a nice birthday party then he has to realize that he can't have a new car and a fancy TV, that's just life....unless of course, he has you to finance the essentials in life.
It's not your fault that you bring home more than him, nor is it your job to pick up the slack. You need to put your foot down and take care of you and your kids. If he can't do that for himself then it's not worth it. Relationships are supposed to be an equal team effort, not a mother-son deal. But at the end of the day it's you who needs to make the change or it's never going to get better.
Maybe he just needs a cold shower of REALITY. Don't make major "issue" just sit down with him some morning when both of you can take some time and say to him. "we are living together and there are expenses that we need to talk about." One of my fav. ways of allocating the costs and income in way that each pays proportionate to what they contribute both in terms of expenses and money. tHE RENT/MORTGAGE; THE UTILITIES, THE GROCERIES,SEX RELATED HEALTH ISSUES, ARE ALL
I think he needs a cold shower of REALITY! Sit down with him a a time when the two of you can talk without interruption. Schedule it if you need to. Then lay out for him the reletive costs and available monies. He is staying there and should contribute not just assume that you will pay and he can contribute when and how much he feels like. If you don't do this you will quickly grow to resent his "use" of you. And he will become "defensive" because he knows that he IS USING YOU.
good luck...sooner the better.
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