Older men : pros and cons

**cocoa** · 07-31-2010 12:04 PM

I know there are a few threads on this already, but i'm curious about this because i find that i'm noticing and have become much more attracted to older men in the last year. I'm 31. I don't think i'd be ready for a relationship with someone older, but i find that i don't gel well with men in my age group - i think part of the problem is culture and experience. I have limited relationship history which would make some wary. In terms of personality, I'm more reserved, conservative, and traditional. I'm definitely not the type to "have fun with" but i'm interesting in my own way. So i'm curious about about what older men - those 10-15+ see in younger women, or how those who're more interested in long term more settled, emotionally responsible relationship, approach dating, communication, and relationships with younger women. So, opinions of what a 30-something can expect from a relationship with an older man would be appreciated.

**rcoreyus** · 07-31-2010 11:43 PM

Younger women can be interesting to older men because they make them feel young again. They get to have a sort of second chance at all the things they did wrong in their earlier relationships. They get to feel mature, knowledgeable, worldly, but still have fun. Younger women have not yet settled down to a comfortable dull life.

Older men can be interesting to younger women because they are more mature, more caring, typically have a higher opinion of women than younger men do. Older men are typically wealthier, able to do more interesting things.

The down side is that people of different ages do think rather differently, care about different things. There is a natural power imbalance in this sort of relationship, the women is sort of lover and child at the same time. Later in life the older person becomes elderly and feeble early, leaving the younger person to care for them.

My personal opinion is that relationships with a big age difference are fine if both are in it for short to medium term fun, but not if either wants a lifelong relationship.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-31-2010 11:53 PM

I think once you are over 25.. you have obtained your full level of maturity making you more of an equal to a partner of any age above your own. I've recently heard some studies about the brain still developing as far as decision making skills etc all the way up to 25.

While a man that is say 40-45 may have more life experience than you do at 30... you are capable of being an intellectual match with similiar values, interests and goals.

In other words I think over 25 and definitely over 30... age is not much more of an issue other than planning your future and realizing that while 45 and 30 are not so different. 55, retired/on social securitiy etc.. is a totally different place in life than 40. You'd be just reaching your sexual peak while they are coming into being able to get senior discounts and an aarp card.

I'm not saying thats a bad thing... I'm just saying those are things to consider. I think an age difference plus or minus 5 years is close enough in age that you will hit the major stages of life together, this is of course if you are marriage or long term commitment minded.

For just dating purposes and not thinking that far down the road I think a 30 year old and 45 year old can get along just fine. Its all dependent on the individual there are some 50 year old men that are more active than their 30 year old men, more full of life, sexual and vibrant and fun. Same for women.

There are some women that are wild loose and party animals at 40 and some that are ready to settle down and stay home knitting at 22.

I think age shouldn't be as much of a factor as how you are attracted, your common interests and how well you get along.

**WildChild** · 08-01-2010 08:08 AM

Speaking as an over 50 woman, men over 40 seem to have many of the same insecurities that younger men do. Perhaps more since their sexual performance levels are changing. Yes, they may be more secure financially and in a career, although with the current economy that is less true than 10 years ago.

As we get older we all have have a lot more baggage and many men seem to have some real issues with letting go and moving forward - they're stuck. They may have a life that they feel works for them; work, TV, church/some some social group, friday night with the guys, the vacation they always take with or to..., fitting a woman and an actual relationship into their lives may not be priority or even a possiblity. I've encountered quite a bit of "all women are the same" thinking, "women will take advantage of you". My observation and experience has been that at some point they "lock in" to a pattern of how they treat women, how they interact with others, what their expectations are. Intially they may put forth an actual effort to draw a woman close but they can't sustain it and slip back into old patterns, which you either adjust to or walk.

Our generation came out of a time of shift; we grew up with the attitude that a woman's place was in the home and in our teens the message changed and all at once women were supposed to be going to college for something other than an MRS. Women were supposed to bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let him forget he's a man, to paraphrase an old ad. He was still the boss even if she was producing an equal income. That isn't to say that there aren't plenty of younger men with the same attitude or plenty of older ones who don't have it, but it's pretty common.

Now over 60 I see more men letting go of the carp but again they may be so set in their ways that a real relationship still involves the woman doing pretty much all the adapting, accepting and accomodating. I see a woman who is very close to me doing this. She dating a man who is about 15 yrs her senior, he is attentive and caring and she has been thrilled with that, but she has gone through a huge amount of accomodation and change, from her diet, to lifestyle, to plans for the future, to what she is doing with her home. They have worked together on a number of projects on both their properties but she follows his lead, he choses the destinations for travel, the activities. He hasn't altered his essential long term plans or lifestyle, this seems to be a common pattern. I would say that I see it with couples my age who've been together for years too - he'll show up one day with a new car or massive TV or whatever. And she's standing there with her jaw dropped. I have a gf who drives a massive SUV - she hates it but that is exactly how she got it. Her husband recently made a comment about she has "her" vehicle, he thinks he's like something sportier. He was bit surprised when she let him have it - the SUV is "his", he picked it out with no discussion, she hates it and the next vehicle will be hers to choose. He feels that she is being very unreasonable, after all she's got this great big monster he brought home for her, I might note that she has earned most of the payments without having had any voice in the selection.

Guess what I'm saying here is don't expect older men to be some sort of vastly different creature. They may mellow and be less volitile but unless they have been and are open to learning, to change, to intimacy as younger men, what they are as older men will be just a more mature version what they were when younger. A good man will be a better man, a marginal one may or may not improve with age, a loser/whiner/blamer/abuser may tone it down but will still not be relationship material.

**cocoa** · 08-01-2010 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Guess what I'm saying here is don't expect older men to be some sort of vastly different creature. They may mellow and be less volitile but unless they have been and are open to learning, to change, to intimacy as younger men, what they are as older men will be just a more mature version what they were when younger. A good man will be a better man, a marginal one may or may not improve with age, a loser/whiner/blamer/abuser may tone it down but will still not be relationship material.

Great advice. This is the kind of thing i was looking for. The key as you've said is being with someone who is open to learning, changing, and adapting - willingness to compromise.

**jns** · 08-01-2010 01:39 PM

cocoa, with older men you get a lot of men set in their ways. However you can benefit from experience if you get the right one. Some men have a number of lovers in their lives and learn how to bring arousal and pleasure to each one. When they are older, they bring these learned skills to a relationship and can give a woman the pleasure she never had in a relationship when she was younger and with younger men. This can cause a woman in her 30s to throw caution to the wind and go with a man in his 50s.

**cocoa** · 08-01-2010 02:23 PM

Originally Posted by jns

cocoa, with older men you get a lot of men set in their ways. However you can benefit from experience if you get the right one. Some men have a number of lovers in their lives and learn how to bring arousal and pleasure to each one. When they are older, they bring these learned skills to a relationship and can give a woman the pleasure she never had in a relationship when she was younger and with younger men. This can cause a woman in her 30s to throw caution to the wind and go with a man in his 50s.

So, there are some great pros then.

haha. I don't doubt that an older man has some unqiue things to offer which a younger man or someone my age may not, but I guess the question is whether it's possible to find someone who is willing to grow with you, instead of someone who is immovable.

My other concern about dating an om, is a fear of this person being fatherly. Like most people, i'm seeking an equal, partner, someone with whom i have a mutual respect and develop a relationship in which we can learn from each other, but i don't fancy the idea of dating someone who relates to their younger partner as a parent or "teacher". Because then, i see the potential for someone to be controlling and dominating.

Also, although it's unlikely, i'd rather someone who doesn't have kids, especially adult children, although i don't mind if they're divorced. But it's unlikely to find older men who don't have children. I'd rather not be compared by their children to a former spouse or previous partner. But i think this is probably idealistic. Don't think the perfect situation exists.

**Day Tripper** · 08-10-2010 10:12 PM

Originally Posted by cocoa

So, there are some great pros then.

haha. I don't doubt that an older man has some unqiue things to offer which a younger man or someone my age may not, but I guess the question is whether it's possible to find someone who is willing to grow with you, instead of someone who is immovable.

Yes, this is the right question and speaking as a 54 year old man, I can say there are lots of men out there that are moveable and still young at heart.

My other concern about dating an om, is a fear of this person being fatherly. Like most people, i'm seeking an equal, partner, someone with whom i have a mutual respect and develop a relationship in which we can learn from each other, but i don't fancy the idea of dating someone who relates to their younger partner as a parent or "teacher". Because then, i see the potential for someone to be controlling and dominating.

I agree and this is why I believe that the the 5 - 10 year age difference is optimal because the generations have common ground and there is less chance of the older person speaking down to their partner as if they were a child. I was recently in a relationship (sort of still am) with a younger woman 9 years younger and we related equally. I never pulled rank and, it's true, I do feel younger than my years when we are together. I think I look younger too because of it. In any event, it works.

Also, although it's unlikely, i'd rather someone who doesn't have kids, especially adult children, although i don't mind if they're divorced. But it's unlikely to find older men who don't have children. I'd rather not be compared by their children to a former spouse or previous partner. But i think this is probably idealistic. Don't think the perfect situation exists.

I think it is mature of you to think in advance of the complications that can exist. If you do get involved, be careful. On the other hand, I have very little baggage and no kids. I was married before, but, she is living in Denmark now. I live in NYC and there are lots of men my age that don't have baggage, so, although, the majority may have kids and some extra baggage, there are many of us who are free spirits. Cocoa, if I may give you a bit of advice, if you are 30, I would not seek out men much older than 10 years if you are interested in a possible long term relationship because of the generation gap - it's real and it exists. Also, I think the older you get the bigger the gap gets. 30 and 45 could be vibrant with lots of movement, but, 49 and 74 (same age difference) is a pretty big gap unless the senior is a very young 74. However, the most important thing to consider is health. Without it, nothing much matters. You might find someone 45 going on 60 because of poor health and then find some one 60 going on 45. So chronological age isn't the best indicator either. I hope this helps from an older man's perspective. Good luck!

Day Tripper

**jns** · 08-11-2010 12:14 AM

74 - 49 is 25, 45 - 30 is 15.

**Day Tripper** · 08-11-2010 06:37 AM

Originally Posted by jns

74 - 49 is 25, 45 - 30 is 15.

Thanks for the correction. I guess my math skills go south after 10pm (LOL). Still there is a significant difference in age between 64 and 49. That was my point. At 15+ years, the significance is enhanced.