I'm not sure what to do...

**TML** · 08-07-2010 06:52 AM

I know this is a women's site but I just have no one to turn to. I am confident that you will give me the best advice.

Anyway, I am moving 45 minutes away to go to school, me and my girlfriend are very sad that this is happening. I am even more torn up at what she told me the other night. She said that long distant relationships never work out for her, ever. She said that she gets lonely and needs someone, so she goes looking.
I love this girl to death and would do anything to make things work. We've talking about starting a life together and having a family and our future. I just don't know what to do.

Can you please help me save this relationship... I can't live without her..
Thanks for your help.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-07-2010 08:28 AM

Her telling you that she eventually goes looking was not the most comforting thing she could have done. My guesses would be that she either told you that to prepare you for the eventual, or to see if you would have that issue yourself.

45 minutes away is not very far. Will you guys be able to see each other on the weekends? Can you skype/webcam with each other occasionally during the week?

Not all people are cut out of long distance, some need very frequent reassurance that they are wanted and loved and some just need company everywhere they go if her issue is the former, you have hope for working it out as you can make her feel wanted and loved at any distance... if its the latter however, you are going to be hard pressed to make her happy if you can't be by her side every waking moment.

My guess is if she is that needy of the presense of another person so constantly that things could go bad even if you never left the city.

There isn't much you can do if she doesn't want this... your best bet is to talk to her and ask her what she needs from you to be happy, talk about how often you can or she can visit. If she honestly doesn't think its going to work out, you'd serve yourself well to listen to her. If she loves you as much as you love her you guys will get through this.

**LanaBear** · 08-07-2010 11:47 AM

45 minutes, IMO, is not a long distance relationship. Like HD said, you'll have the weekends, etc.

If the two of you have started talking about a future together, that is rather insensitive of her to throw this out at you. If you are talking about a future together, a 45 minute distance is not going to break a caring and honest relationship.

I'd agree with HD and guess that she is probably a rather needy person and needs constant companionship and gratification to be happy. Which to be honest, won't happen in the real world anyways. You can't always be with her.

Keep talking to her, make sure she understands the love that the two of you have. If it is meant to be it will be.

**jns** · 08-07-2010 12:29 PM

45 minutes is driving to work distance for many people. And for many it's only half way there. It almost sounds like that the only reason she hasn't found someone else when she was lonely is because you were there in a few minutes. Good grief. This is how companies make billions of dollars on providing cellular service, to cover the times apart. When you get a job and have to be at work for 8 hours a day or more, will she spend her time finding guys that aren't working because you aren't there? Or is it she can hold out for only that long? What are the transportation difficulties that you and her have? How often are you planning on getting together?

**prawnprincess** · 08-07-2010 01:36 PM

Whether or not 45 minutes is a long way, she doesn't seem to want to put in the effort. Do you want to hang on to someone who isn't very committed to you? Do you think her commitment would grow once you were further apart? This situation brings to mind the quote "Don't make someone a priority when to them you're only an option." Putting a lot of work into something doesn't always change the result.

**TML** · 08-07-2010 03:44 PM

The weird thing is, that sometimes she tells me she needs space. This is with me only living like 10 minutes away.
I don't understand.
I'm so confused.
We talked about it, and I know that I'm not going to be looking for anyone. I only need to know that she will be there when I move back.
I want things to work out and I'm willing to do whatever I can so that it does.

**PandaPaws** · 08-12-2010 06:23 PM

Oh my gosh. Really, 45 minutes is not far. Me and my bf live 40 minutes away, and we've lasted 3 years. We see each other once or twice during the week, and every weekend. Heck, I drive 40 minutes to work. There is no reason for her to be looking for someone else in your absence.

**sourpuss** · 08-12-2010 09:59 PM

^^^ Agreed!
Sounds like she's looking for a way out. Enjoy your time at school making new friends and finding yourself. Make an effort to see her on the weekends and if that's not good enough for her, then she's not committed enough for you to try so hard. Like everyone else said, 45 minutes is nothing. I drive an hour and half (one way) on a regular basis to train for my sport. If she can't handle a few days by herself and a 45 minute drive on the weekends, then honestly, she's not worth all the fuss.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-13-2010 06:58 AM

First, try to stop telling yourself you can't live without someone who seems more into the "control" of this relationship than she is into you. You CAN live without anyone....so scratch that mentality while you're young.

She's into control and it sounds like she's playing games with you. She's pushing you, threatening you "if you're gone I'll end up cheating", just to see how far you'll go for her. But if she's honestly the type that would stray because you're 45 minutes away, then WHY would you be willing to give up anything for her?

I'm afraid your emotions have gotten the best of you...and perhaps you think you can't do better than her... and you're beating yourself up trying save something that is quite possibly not worth saving. If this girl loved you, she'd be SO proud of you for going to school and she'd do whatever it took to make your alls relationship work while also encouraging you through school.

Resolve yourself to the fact that you're going to school....45 minutes away. You can let her make this a miserable experience for you, or you can pick yourself up and tell yourself that this will either work or it won't and that whatever happens, you'll be just fine.

**sungoddesschelsy** · 08-13-2010 09:14 AM

I agree with pervious posts also... 45 minutes isn't far at all. IMO if you two truely have a connection it will endure oceans of distance. Sounds likes she needs to find some activities or hobbies that she can spend time on instead of dwelling on the fact that she doesn't have someone around. I struggled with this myself when my bf moved 1200 miles away for 6 months of our relationship, if that other person is your whole life and they move away it really feels like you are empty if you have no activites to fill free time.

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