too sensitive/passive to say what they want . . .

**cocoa** · 08-22-2010 02:55 PM

I've noticed that in the interest of respect and taking things slowly, sometimes guys/men can seem a bit too sensitive or passive in expressing their interest in someone directly. I'm sure there are a number of reasons, whether it's because they don't want to seem too forward, are shy and don't want to seem impose themselves, or they don't want to seem desperate, etc. I don't know. The scenario i'm curious about is one in which the person may be interested (you think) but they don't express the interest in a clear or direct way. In other words, you're not sure. And you're wondering whether you should wait around to find out.

Women, if you're interested in someone, do you find that the men are fairly direct, or not direct enough in expressing their liking or interest? Do you find yourself unsure about what to think or whether the interest is really there simply because they're not direct?

Or, does that old fashioned truth still stand that if a guy/man is interested, he will let you know, and there's no question? In other words, is it still true that if i'm not getting "clear" signals, whatever those are, of someone's interest, then they're "just not that into you"?

**jns** · 08-22-2010 03:16 PM

If a guy has been hurt before, he may not be willing to put his heart out there initially to let it get trampled on. Some guys will always reserve their options, so getting a straight answer may be difficult. Some guys may put an answer out there, but it could be subject to change. Some guys may lie. I believe as guys get older, they are more sure of shat they want, especially if they don't have it.

Socialization makes being opinionated a bad habit. More guys these days are more likely to think before they say something that may be misinterpreted. However, there are still those who engage their mouth before they engage their brain.

That being said, the communications in a relationship or leading up to a relationship can be very convoluted as each side wants to present their case without the other side getting angry or leaving. Generally, if you want a straight answer from a guy, say you want one and state your question directly and clearly. Look at him, hold his gaze and expect him to answer, giving him the time needed.

**cocoa** · 08-22-2010 03:46 PM

jns, you're right, i'm sure many want to keep their options open so they'd rather not be too direct. But as i get older, i have less tolerance for games. I've been through enough situations where someone played at seeming interested but wasn't. And so, i've become weary of anything which is too vague. However, i wouldn't want to write someone off too quickly if the reason is that they're being cautious or careful. I just don't want to be left wondering for too long about what's really happening. I've been single for a very long time, and i'm interesting in moving forward into dating. Yes, i want to be careful and cautious, but i'm weary of false interest, promises, or pretense (as everyone is). It's tiring and draining. Of course, never did the course of true love run smooth (Shakespeare).

**Mes T** · 08-22-2010 06:33 PM

I think sometimes it also has to do with men's (and women's) experiences... Like, if they've been in serious relationships before, they're more likely to be in tune with how things go and are less likely to play games. I've found that to be true in my experiences, anyway.

**cocoa** · 08-22-2010 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

I think sometimes it also has to do with men's (and women's) experiences... Like, if they've been in serious relationships before, they're more likely to be in tune with how things go and are less likely to play games. I've found that to be true in my experiences, anyway.

Yeah, hopefully

**GetTheDudeDotCom** · 08-29-2010 12:01 AM

Originally Posted by cocoa

jns, you're right, i'm sure many want to keep their options open so they'd rather not be too direct. But as i get older, i have less tolerance for games. I've been through enough situations where someone played at seeming interested but wasn't. And so, i've become weary of anything which is too vague. However, i wouldn't want to write someone off too quickly if the reason is that they're being cautious or careful. I just don't want to be left wondering for too long about what's really happening. I've been single for a very long time, and i'm interesting in moving forward into dating. Yes, i want to be careful and cautious, but i'm weary of false interest, promises, or pretense (as everyone is). It's tiring and draining. Of course, never did the course of true love run smooth (Shakespeare).

Cocoa, I'm not a woman, but I'm going to suggest something to you that you may not have considered. Correct me if I'm wrong. What you are really looking for is a man to take the initiative and lead the interaction in a masculine way. You don't want to be uncertain or in limbo anymore. My suggestion to you is to continue to put yourself out there in a confident, feminine way. Keep your eyes open in your day to day activities and see if men catch your eye and approach you. Don't be afraid to flirt a little. There is no need to wonder about some guy who can't step up and ask you out if you don't want to. This is my recommendation for you if you know you're attracted to a confident, masculine man who will never make you doubt if he's attracted to you.

Now if you like shy guys too, they need a lot of reassurance. This comes in the form of dropping hints that you're interested. Keep dropping hints, but don't overtly ask him out. Let him muster the courage to do it. But you might have to kiss him first.

It all depends on the type of guy you're attracted to. Just my opinion.

But this dynamic really doesn't have much to do with taking things slowly. As the woman, you can set the pace of the relationship by saying no to sex or commitment until you're ready.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-29-2010 12:10 AM

I much prefer passiveness to arrogance, any day of the week. Quiet confidence is fine... but cockyness is a major turn off for me. I know some women... A LOT of women actually, prefer the assertive guy... but I've always found the more assertive... the more cocky a man is... the more he has to prove... the more insecure he actually is... the more its all an act he is putting forth... so stripping down the layers to get to the real person under all that 'persona' is sometimes not worht the effort.

**GetTheDudeDotCom** · 08-29-2010 12:15 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I much prefer passiveness to arrogance, any day of the week. Quiet confidence is fine... but cockyness is a major turn off for me. I know some women... A LOT of women actually, prefer the assertive guy... but I've always found the more assertive... the more cocky a man is... the more he has to prove... the more insecure he actually is... the more its all an act he is putting forth... so stripping down the layers to get to the real person under all that 'persona' is sometimes not worht the effort.

Do you prefer quiet confidence to passiveness then? A quietly confident man is probably not passive, though. He just doesn't feel the need to prove himself.

**cocoa** · 08-29-2010 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by GetTheDudeDotCom

Cocoa, I'm not a woman, but I'm going to suggest something to you that you may not have considered. Correct me if I'm wrong. What you are really looking for is a man to take the initiative and lead the interaction in a masculine way. You don't want to be uncertain or in limbo anymore. My suggestion to you is to continue to put yourself out there in a confident, feminine way. Keep your eyes open in your day to day activities and see if men catch your eye and approach you. Don't be afraid to flirt a little. There is no need to wonder about some guy who can't step up and ask you out if you don't want to. This is my recommendation for you if you know you're attracted to a confident, masculine man who will never make you doubt if he's attracted to you.

Now if you like shy guys too, they need a lot of reassurance. This comes in the form of dropping hints that you're interested. Keep dropping hints, but don't overtly ask him out. Let him muster the courage to do it. But you might have to kiss him first.

It all depends on the type of guy you're attracted to. Just my opinion.

But this dynamic really doesn't have much to do with taking things slowly. As the woman, you can set the pace of the relationship by saying no to sex or commitment until you're ready.

You've hit the nail on the head

I do prefer more assertive guys. By assertive, I mean someone who is clear, serious, and confident and "takes the initiative" while being respectful and considerate. I'd avoid someone who is pushy, egotistical, arrogant or too forward. That's definitely what i'm NOT looking for in a mate. And I don't want to have to ask someone out and embarrass myself in the end if they're not interested. I don't like men who're too "coy" and who like playing guessing games. On the other hand, I've always been a little weary of men who're too nice or overly social because I'm sometimes find myself too often mistaking general politeness or someone simply being nice for romantic interest, which can be quite awkward if you're interested and the person is not. I like when someone is pretty stratightforward and honest in their intentions (but who doesn't

)

Originally Posted by GetTheDudeDotCom

Do you prefer quiet confidence to passiveness then? A quietly confident man is probably not passive, though. He just doesn't feel the need to prove himself.

Agree that someone is truly confident and comfortable with who they are, they won't have anything to prove.