I think I messed up and want to know if I was being irational.....

**msclingy** · 09-02-2010 05:18 PM

Hello everyone. I am new to this kind of thing but something recently happened between myself and a guy I am dating. I really need some advice as I am not too sure what I should do.

for starters, this guy Im seeing left in a leave of absence to visit family about 3000 miles away from me. The trip was planned before we became exclusive and I was feeling a little uneasy to begin with but knew he was leaving. He reassured me things were fine and he wasnt going to meet other girls or to hook up. I believe him. He did contact me the first couple of weeks, but then the last couple of weeks he was mysterious. I left him alone, I didnt want to be all needy. So he finally did contact me, and the conversation was fine. He had been there a month total. So on the last night before he was to come home, I texted him a breif meassage asking him if I can pick him up from the airport so I can see him, to his replay was I have a long flight and I am not too sure. Something inside me triggered and I snapped, I texted if you missed me then being exhausted would be the last thing on your mind, i then proceeded to text, Its been a month, lets just end it now and that his actions were proof that he doesnt want this. He responded ok. I then sent another message (big mistkake) You can't even fight for me can you? knowing that you're pushing me away. He then said, Im with my family. Really? Then I said it, sorry I bothered you., 10 minutes later I felt so bad with that reply, I texted back Im really sorry, I was overemotional and didnt mean to intrude or be rude on your time with your family, thanks for texting me when you did. Have a safe flight and take care. No hard feelings? His response. It's all good, I just can't text..... I should have left matters alone, I slept so horribly last night that as soon as I got up this morning I texted him again, and granted he is on his way home, I said, Hi, no long fat discussions, when you have a chance, Will you call me? I promise not to take alot of your time, and btw welcome home.
So my question, is this type of reaction forgiveable and I am aware it depends on the person, but did I really mess this up? I am uncertain if he will even call me or not. I dont know where I stand and I dont have any control over the fact that he is on his way home and did not even get the text I sent this morning.I don't know why I felt he had to see me. I failed to realize what he has to deal with on his return home, and what he's had going on the last couple of weeks. I don't want him to think I am needy, it's just that I missed him so much and just wanted to hug him. Please offer your advice and perspective. Thank you

**raindropsugarcane** · 09-02-2010 07:08 PM

Hi. It does seem a tad bit irrational. but I understand that you missed him. It is really hard to do but sometimes you just need to read his signals and step back. this was a time to step back. I have had to learn to do this. perhaps if he gives you another chance to talk to him you can try to explain that you just missed him and were hurt at his lack of communication during the last leg of his trip. when a long distance is involved its really easy to distort situations and let your imagination run wild. Live and learn! it will get better. keep us posted?

**LanaBear** · 09-02-2010 08:01 PM

It does seem needy, especially with the repeated text messages towards the end. Flying is exhausting/stressful, being with family is exhausting/stressful, etc., he probably just needed time to decompress by himself before wanting anymore company for a day or two. You should have respected that.

Depending on what he responds with when he lands or if he even responds, I think it would be wise to give him the few days he's asking for. No texting, no e-mails, no calls, etc. Then call him and see if this relationship is salvageable, be courteous and let him know that you are sorry for the irrationality of the entire event, you realize you should have respected his need to be with his family to deal with whatever was going on.

Good luck.

**caterpillar79** · 09-02-2010 09:39 PM

I'd like to know how long the relationship is by now - the dating stage, before being exclusive up to the present. I'd like to be able to establish time and know how well you've known each other. I kinda have an idea but I don't want to guess.

**geedee** · 09-02-2010 10:24 PM

Is he normality romantic? Does he usually text you or call you when he was away? His reaction to your offering to pick him up from the airport seemed really cold from him.

**msclingy** · 09-05-2010 10:05 PM

Met him March this year. Just recently became exclusive with each other, right before his trip, we decided to stop seeing other people.

**msclingy** · 09-05-2010 10:07 PM

He called me the night he flew in and explained why he could not text. He is usually romantic and does wonderful things. His text was really cold, and he could have re phrased his response differenty. The first two weeks, he was texing me everyday on his trip, but it was also not the portion of the trip he was with family.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-05-2010 10:27 PM

Do I think you reacted irrationally? Yes. Do I think its unforgivable? No. Women, generally... are emotional creatures, and a mature man is well aware of this and can be understanding of an occasional freak out... but thats just it... its got to be rare. If you are freaking out every day , its more than most people can deal with in a relationship... no matter how much they love a person.

You owe him an appology and your best bet is to give him some time when he gets home, don't call him right away, hide your phone from yourself if you have to

give him some time to rest and settle in... being away from home sucks after a while and you can't wait to get back and settle into your routine... give him a little time to do this. He probably wanted to delay seeing you so that he wouldn't be jetlagged, grouchy, stinky , hungry , tired... when he first got to see you ... give him the benefit of the doubt on why he wanted to relax a bit first.

The next time you speak to him, honesty is the best policy. Don't have to be cool, don't have to be burried in your own pride -- tell him the truth that you missed him , were looking forward to seeing him and when it felt like he wasn't... it hurt your feelings, you got a bit insecure and overreacted.

If thats not the kind of girlfriend you are, you need to be clear on that, and say sorry... because if you don't he's probably invisioning a lifetime of you freaking out on him whenever he's busy.

I know that I've gotten my feelings hurt and rapid fired some texts off when in an emotional state and regretted later, but I owned up to how rediculous I was being and didn't make excuses for it that in anyway blamed him. I was out of line, appologised and we both moved forward and I learned to give him the benefit of the doubt and not always assume worst case scenerio, he deserves that from me... just as your guy deserves that from you.

**msclingy** · 09-06-2010 05:35 PM

Thanks for that fedback, and trust me, I owned up to the whole thing and apologized. I think all is okay at the moment. We did finally see each other and it was a great time. We both missedeach other. I nw have another issue. I know I had told him before that I didn't want a label. Well, I do kinda wanna be more than exclusive, I want to be his girlfriend. I am not too sure if I should approach him with this or if I shoud wait until he is ready, and if that will ever happen because I had explained a few months ago that I didnt want a label. I am a little fearlful that I will push him away if i approach him with it though. Any take on this?

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-06-2010 05:48 PM

I wouldn't seek a label this close to you guys havign that argument... give it some time for you guys to get comfortable fully with each other in what you had before he left first.

Eventually you can ask him , if you guys are having sex with each other... if he is sleeping or planning to sleep with anyone else. When you are in a sexual relationship with someone... that is a very fair and important question to have answered.

When you get an answer from him on that you can gauge his reaction... you can later ask him if he has found what he's looking for , if he's happy or if he's still looking for something besides you... again, gauge his reaction. If he says he is not persuing any other avenues... you are his girlfriend, label or no label, if you guys are exclusively sleeping together and not seeking other people -- its a relationship.

I'd let him take the lead on the label thing... does he introduce you to his friends and family? If so what does he introduce you as? When he is with you and gets a call does he say he's with you? Does it seem like the people on the other end of the line know who he's talking about?

I think if I were you, I wouldn't push for anything right now or it could really come off as pushy after just getting over that little fight.