Not sure I'm doing the right thing

**confused33** · 09-06-2010 07:03 PM

I don't know what else to do, but I feel I need some outside opinions. I am 27, and I've been with my boyfriend, well I guess ex boyfriend, for seven and a half years, for the most part very happy. No cheating, no abuse, nothing like that. We lived apart for a year, and other than that we lived apart summers while we were at college. So we've always had complications with money, traveling, time, etc. I moved 300 miles for him when he got a job out of college, and i started grad school down there. Then he was transferred a year before I finished, and he essentially supported me while I finished. He continued to pay our rent and my utilities for a year, while he lived at home with his parents. My point is that he has sacraficed a lot for me, and I think at times I took it for granted. he has a job where its hard to take time off, he works nearly every weekend, so when living apart we never saw each other. it was so hard for me. i cried all the time, I felt so alone. i moved back home, and everything was supposed to be great again.

anyway, my life is very hectic. i'm applying to dental school so i only work part time because i had to prepare for that. so i told him i can't live with him because i can't afford bills, and he doesn't think its fair that i continue to live free essentially. i agree with him, as I"m a pretty independent woman, but to get to the point of this post, why would i continue to give my life to someone that won't marry me? we've talked about this for a while, and he can't explain to me why he won't get married, but says again and again it has nothing to do with me. i believe that for the most part, i think he probably wouldn't marry anyone. he has problems showing emotions, especially love, which has led to me feeling lonely alot, but he has a ton of family baggage from his past. both of his parents have been divorced twice, and I have the feeling he just doesn't believe it works. anyway, we had a very long conversation, and i ended up saying we had to break up if this relationship is going nowhere. we were both crying, and i couldn't even make it permanent, we decided on a trial separation. it was the hardest thing i've ever done. this was four days ago, and i'm miserable. i've been crying and i just feel hopeless. the worst part of this is that i understand how he feels. i really don't even know why i want to get married. i think i feel like it will make me feel wanted, maybe because living in this long distance/part time relationship has worn on me. everyone tells me that a decent guy would marry me, and that i could have anyone i wanted. i tell myself that a guy that loved me would marry me, and that how could i live life not being married, when at the same time I see so much unhappiness in every single married couple i see. i'm so confused. i feel like i'm making a terrible mistake letting a guy go that really is a good person that i love being with, but i resent him for not wanting to get married. i need advice.

**sourpuss** · 09-07-2010 07:58 AM

When people say 'any decent guy would marry you', that's just rubbish. Any decent guy would support you for 7 years while you live 300 miles away, that's love. I understand where he is coming from, but I also understand where you are coming from. If he did marry you, that wouldn't change the fact that he doesn't show you emotion and affection. It may even have the opposite affect.

If marriage is important to you, then you need to go your separate ways. But if you're both on the same page as far as the future, commitment, children/no children...then it may be something you two should work on.

I honestly don't think marriage works either, cynical I suppose, but I've only seen a handful work in my lifetime and I've seen hundreds that didn't work. I have a feeling that the real issue is that you're wanting more affection and reassurance in the fact that he loves you. Have you talked to him about that?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-07-2010 08:01 AM

If I were him, your eagerness to marry during such a hectic time in your life would be alarming to me.

I can't tell from what you've posted whether this is a good relationship for you or not. But I can tell you you're strong desire to have this man commit his life to you seems to come from a lot of insecurity and lack of confidence on your part.

It might be time to use this seperation and try to figure out your insecurity. Do you feel loved by this man?

I understand 7 years is a LONG time, but you started dating young. You've both been in college, then you started grad school, now you're applying to dental school.....it's been hectic, busy, not really a great situation to start a marriage.

Have you asked him what his intentions are with you? Does he ever see himself marrying you? If he doesn't..... and that is what you want, then maybe it's time to move on. 7 years is a long time...but you don't want to stay in a relationship just because it's what you're used to, what you're comfortable with.

**confused33** · 09-07-2010 12:46 PM

I agree with you both, and I'm not sure if i expressed to him that I"m not interested in marrying tomorrow. I'm in no place to be married RIGHT NOW, however i would have liked a long engagement, or at least him expressing i'm the one. That might have been a problem, and I suppose i need to talk to him again. I know that I feel a mess right now, my life feels so unsecure, I'm upset all the time, the anxiety of spending so many years in school, and four more years is weighing on me. I feel like I have nothing right now, and i'm so afraid to spend more time with a man, only to find out when i'm 32 he's still not sure. I would like to start having children in five years. I really have no desire for them now. He claims to just not know if he wants to get married. At times he seems so against it, then he seems to just be against it now. How am I supposed to build a future on that, thats my problem. I know someone would not give what he's given if he didn't love me, but i also know that i feel lonely a lot. Part of that is the situation we're in, but part of that is him. Again, something maybe I haven't made clear enough. I'm actually going to see him this week, and maybe I should talk to him again. Maybe I do need to tell him we need this separation so I can figure out what I want. This has been so hard. Its been nearly a week and I'm already wishing I wouldn't have done this. But at the same time I do think we need to separate to figure outselves out.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-07-2010 01:09 PM

That's a touch situation to be in. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married some day. But what is important is to ask yourself, "why do I want to marry this person?", "Am I too concerned with being engaged and planning a wedding?" , "Am I caught up in the standards society has set for me?".

Honestly, there are so many gals out there that just WANT to be engaged...because of the attention they get from it, because of the wedding planning and the endless shopping, because of "their" day as so many like to put it. If I were a guy, I'd be scared senseless that I'd end up with one of those girls that cared more about the engagement and wedding than the marriage.

You shouldn't even WANT to get engaged to someone you're not entirely happy with. Fact of the matter is, he could tell you tomorrow, "Yeah, I want to get married to you in the future". That might appease you for a bit....but then you're going to want to know, "when???".

Where did the "5 year" plan for kiddos come from? Much like marriage, it's important to have children when you're deeply in love with your partner and want to make babies with them because you love them so much. Not because you're going to "age out" and think you may never be able to have them if you don't do it at that time. SOOOoo many women make that mistake. I guess what I'm saying, is don't put more importance on societies standards of what makes you "normal" interfere with your ability to truly make the best decisions for yourself. You seem very intelligent.

You're a planner. There's nothing wrong with that in most areas of life. But in some, you have to be willing to have some uncertainty.

I just don't think the issue here is marriage. In your heart of hearts....you just aren't quite convinced that he truly loves you. To you, him proposing to you would be the ultimate expression of his love. But in reality....lots and lots of people get engaged every day that do it for reasons other than love, and they so much of the time end in divorce.

You seem like a smart gal. I'm sure you'll try to sit down and talk to him about this, but try hard not to make the issue about marriage when it's really in fact not about marriage.

**PandaPaws** · 09-07-2010 01:12 PM

Well, I don't know, I feel like you've waited long enough. 7 years?? Seriously? I mean if this wasn't important to you, fine, but obviously it is. I think that if YOU want to be married, then just living together and loving each other is never going to be enough. You're always going to want more. You're going to hold on to hope that maybe one day he will decide he loves you so much that he will do that for you because he knows how much it means to you. You're always going to feel like something is missing or you've been short changed. You're going to wonder years down the road, "had we broken up, would I be happily MARRIED to someone else by now?" and then you're going to be mad at yourself for staying in a situation that you knew wasn't going to give you all that you wanted.

At least that's how I would feel. I have thought about all this because my bf is a bit scared of the M word as well... we broke up for 30 hours because of it, and that's all it took for him to realize that he couldn't live without me, and that he wasn't ready to propose yet, but it's definitely something he sees happening.

I think you know what you want. You're just trying to figure out if compromising would still make you happy. Maybe it will, and if it does, great. I'm just speaking from how I know I would feel. I hope it works out for you two.