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Thread: Can I trust him again?

  1. #1
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    Default Can I trust him again?

    Sorry this is a novel, but I could really use some help... especially from anybody who's been through trying to trust again. :/

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. From the beginning it was, for lack of a better phrase, too good to be true. He's smart, good-looking, funny, attentive, and romantic. The conversation is always interesting, and we have a great deal of fun together no matter what we're doing.

    I came into our relationship with trust issues. About 2 months into our relationship a girl he'd been friends with for a few years began to text him every morning, every afternoon, every night. She would attempt to flirt, she would invite him over to her house. He never went and never reciprocated, and was always honest about it and how uncomfortable it made him feel. Long story short, I would get very upset whenever she'd contact him, and it led to him deleting her texts and lying to me about them. I cornered him, and he continued to lie but eventually confessed. I realized that I was unfair to him and forgave him under the promise that he was never to lie to me again.

    Cut to a couple months later. While with him, he got a text from an ex. I asked him if he'd contacted her, he told me no. I knew he was lying, and things blew up. He finally told me (after continuing lying for close to half an hour) that he'd texted her that morning to see what she was doing the next day because he wanted to catch up "as friends" (I still don't know if I believe that). I was furious that he lied, but I knew how much I cared about him and didn't want to let it go. Again, those meaningless promises.

    After that incident, things got tremendously better. I really worked on myself, and the trust aspect of our relationship improved. We were really happy. We talked about it a lot, and about how happy he was with the improvements I'd made and how hard I was trying to trust him.

    I work at a movie theater, sometimes until 1:30 am. From about 11pm until then, I don't have much to do... so I decided to drive to his apartment (he gave me a key because he wanted me to be able to stop by whenever). I walk in the door, and the first thing I see is a purse on the floor. He comes out of his bedroom and just says hello to me like nothing's going on. Then out walks this woman. She was older than us (31) and married.

    I was pretty shocked and confused, since he'd promised me that no girls would ever be in his apartment alone with him, and definitely not at all without my knowledge. So she went into the bathroom and I hissed at him that she needed to get out immediately. She left. And guess what? He starts to yell at me for being upset. He was mean and angry and a completely different person than the one I knew. So I walked out.

    Later that night he drove to my theater to "try" to work it out. I was crushed, hurt, and broken... I told him I love him for the first time. He said he works with her, that they were just friends, and she was coming over so he could burn her a CD since she was undergoing surgery the next morning. I asked to see the texts in his phone, he told me he deleted them. I looked for her name in his contacts, it wasn't there. He then told me it was because she was in his phone as "Mike" so I wouldn't ask questions about it. I was naturally furious, and again he began to yell at me and insult me so I told him he needed to leave.

    That next morning I stopped by his apartment to give him his key and pick up some of my things that were still in his apartment. We ended up talking and I gave him the opportunity to tell me the truth about everything, to give us another chance. He told me that he texted his ex that night. I asked him if he talked to the woman, he said no. We were sitting there talking and who texts him? The woman. Asking how he slept. He put his phone down and I asked him to respond to her, since that was a strange question to ask if they hadn't spoken since she left. She then said "I can't believe I sent those". I asked him what (even though I obviously knew already). He said he didn't know. I asked him if they were pictures, he said he couldn't remember. I then told him that if he was that confused he might as well ask her, and he came clean and said they were pictures of her breasts.

    This was news. How does a "platonic" relationship escalate into nude pictures in the space of 3 hours? It doesn't. He wouldn't be honest so I left again, for about a week. He tried and tried to contact me, and finally in one phone conversation I lost it completely. I admit I was mean, I was condescending, and I was incredibly disrespectful. But it drove him to tell me the truth (at least as it stands now).

    They'd met at work in a supervisor meeting about a month before. They started talking and ate lunch together at work a couple times. He told her he didn't have a girlfriend (possibly the most painful part of the entire situation for me... that he could pretend like I didn't exist). When he was with me and wouldn't text her back, he would tell her he was with his mom. He said she flirted a lot, but he never flirted back except when she texted him one morning saying she had a sex dream about him, and he said he did too. He said she'd come over once before to see his new apartment, that they sat in his bed and watched TV for about 15 minutes and then she left, that nothing happened. He said he knew there was a strong possibility she would come on to him the night that I found her there. He also says that he doesn't think he ever would have done anything, but he liked the thrill of the possibility. He admitted that the ex he'd texted came over the night I left and they'd had sex. As far as I know, this is everything. And let me tell you: that hurts like .

    I didn't know what to do, I didn't talk to him for a few days. I contacted one of his best friends, a girl who puts her faith in God and love above all else,who's known him for 18 years, and who he respects and loves to death. I told her everything. I didn't know what to do, he wasn't even being himself. He acted like he didn't care what he'd done. She talked to him, and for the first time I saw the emotion in his eyes again. He said that the way our relationship was in the couple months before it got good (it was pretty rocky with my constant suspicion and accustions) had driven him into a place where he just detached emotionally. I do understand that, because it's something I do as well and I have to fight myself to stay out of there. But that's no excuse to do the things he did.

    We gave it a little time and I decided that I was strong enough to try again. I don't do well with "what if?"s. So while I felt slightly idiotic for giving him yet another chance, I knew that if it happened again, I could recover, could move on with my life. But living forever with wondering if he really would change? That would hurt more.

    Since then, he's done everything in his power to reassure me that he's being faithful. There have been several times that he's crossed paths with her at work, and he immediately calls me. There were a few times right off the bat that she texted him, ****ed that she didn't get her CD, and he immediately thrust his phone into my hand and asked me what I wanted him to do. He told her he never wants to see or speak to her again, that she means nothing to him. He lets me know whenever he's working with a girl and has made an effort to bring me to get-togethers and introduces me to them, tells them how happy he is with me.

    I needed to know what was different. He said that before this happened, he knew he loved me but he thought I didn't care (I'm not quite as open emotionally as he is) and tried to step back. He said that he didn't really think I cared if I had him in my life or not. He said he didn't take us seriously, because he always thought I'd leave. When we had our week or two of not really talking I had some things that I needed to ask and drove to his work. The way the office is, I can hear them long before they can see me. One of his coworkers was confessing that while his wife was away in India, he'd been having an affair. My boyfriend was incredibly upset, and was telling this guy that he needed to end the affair, and be honest with his wife. He went on to talk about what happened with us, saying it was the biggest mistake he'd ever made in his life just because he was too afraid to see that I was the only thing he'd ever want, that honestly and loyalty are the most important things.

    It's been about 2 months since all of this happened, and I still don't trust him. Some days I'm so disgusted by it that I can't even hold his hand, I just have to leave. But the rest of the time, it's the same as before... we're happy when we're together. We understand each other and I can always count on him to help me figure out tough things in my life, to be a sounding board and a support system. But I go in and out of trusting him. Some days I feel like he's just a jerk, trying to play me. That I'll end up years down the road finding out that none of this was real, that there were always girls on the side. I see the difference in him, and it helps being able to say openly that we love each other. But I don't trust it.

    I don't want to just abandon it and run away out of fear. But am I being an idiot? Is it worth even sticking around to find out?

  2. #2
    jns is online now
    Triple Diamond Member (3,000+ posts & member 3 years+) Array jns's Avatar
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    I doubt you will ever trust him whether he is doing anything or not. His track record isn't very good. It would be best to start over with someone else that you can trust and gives you no reason to distrust.

  3. #3
    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    You may have had 'trust issues' but he gave good reason for them. He's lied to you repeatedly and he's slept around. I too doubt very much that you will ever trust him again. There are plenty of men who are honest and faithful, why waste your time on this one?
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer

  4. #4
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array PandaPaws's Avatar
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    That was so brutal to read. Big, big, hugs to you! Only you can answer the question of if you can trust him again, and HE would have to do a LOT of work to prove it to you. And it would take many months, possibly even years to fully gain that trust back. How much do you love this guy? Is he worth trying to get over that stuff? Because trying to learn to trust him is going to be serious stress on both of you. You will question everything he does, and he will get angry at that. And obviously it will be stressful if you break up too, but possibly not AS stressful as trying to work things out.

    People can post their opinions all day, but ultimately you have to decide for yourself what to do here. And you don't have to decide over night, give yourself some time.

    Do you really think this guy learned from what he did? And that the reasons WHY he did it in the first place have been addressed? Is he only stopping now because he got caught, and what's different aside from that that will prevent him from doing it again?

    If you decide to try and work it out, he should give you full access to his phone, email, computer, everything too. Yeah, it feels like invasion of privacy, but my goodness, he needs to prove to you that he has nothing to hide.

    Best of luck to you either way.

  5. #5
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    I really do love him. And if I could know he'd be honest with me, he'd be more than I've ever even expected.

    Since he got caught he's been very patient with me. Even when I freak out and get incredibly angry over something, he stays calm and loving with me and does everything he can to prove that he's not doing anything to hurt me. He describes to me in detail the differences in the way he feels now from before... and how he's disgusted with the way he acted and the things he did.

    It's good to hear somebody else say that I should have unlimited access to his phone/computer/etc.! He and I both agree on that, but most of my friends say that if I want to give him another chance I need to just trust him completely. The way I see it, these are the consequences for what he did and if he wants to be with me I need that peace of mind. But at the same time I fully recognize that he can lie to me or cheat on me without using any of those in a way I could ever find out.

    I don't know. I guess I want to just give it time, and see if it makes any progress? What scares me is that I can't seem to find one person with a success story, whose partner truly did change after something like that.

  6. #6
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array PandaPaws's Avatar
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    Well, I think you need full access now, and then once he's proven his trust, you'll feel the need to check less and less. I still think both partners should be able to have access at any time if asked though. There should be no secrets. And yes, of course, if he really wants to do that stuff again, he will find a way.

    It's great he's been patient with you as you go through this, and that he's openend up to you. That needs to continue until you feel comfortable, but eventually you will really have to be able to put this in the past in order to move on with your relationship (if you so choose). You will NEVER forget it, that's for sure, and you may not even forgive, but if you choose to stay, you will have to at least set it aside to move forward in your relationship.

    It sounds like you're not ready to break up with him and you want to give him time, so do that for now. Then, even if it doesn't work out, you'll know that you gave it everything you had, and then some. Re-evaluate in a few months and ask yourself if you're both truly happy, and do you really feel like you can trust him? If not, how long are you willing to wait to figure that out?

    Do some things to really work on your relationship. Spend some quality time together. Go on some romantic dates. Do little things for each other. Whatever. Just really put in some effort (him especially).

    And, I know of 2 success stories in eerily similar situations, so it can happen . LOTS of hard work from both partners is needed, and patience. Hang in there.

  7. #7
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    I would tend to do the oposite... Yet that would make "me" the lier and I'm torn there.

    By that I mean trust him, it's important, and state you do not therefore want to look at any emails, accounts, phones... Pure trust..

    I think the only way to do this is to do exactly that..

    In a few months time, you will look because you won't be able to help yourself, and if you find something then you know what you have to do, if you don't it will assist you with that trust... But, here's the catch. Don't snoop, ever... When that time comes ask him straight out that you would like to have a look...

    It's hard sweet, as he placed her name as Mike..

    I hope that he is telling you the truth and has seen the light

  8. #8
    WH Super Moderator Array Hopeless Dork's Avatar
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    Your spider senses were tingling for a long time in this relationship. Womens intuition is a powerful thing, you know when a guy is shady... you just do. But sometimes when a woman is in love they can ignore that intuition and turn a blind eye because they don't want to give up on a guy. Then they can be forced to see something they can't deny ... like a woman in their man's apartment... and even when faced with a truth that is hard to make excuses for some women can do exactly that... because they don't want to endure the heartache of losing this man they love..

    If you have extended your trust to give him one more shot give him that... don't drive yourself crazy trying to prove he's a cheat, if he's doing wrong you will know just like you did before.

    Give it time to earn your trust back but if he hurts you again... you have to ask yourself if you are losing much. Is it the man you love, or the idea of what you wish he was that you love... because they are two very very different things. I think at this point in his life he may 'want' a girlfriend... but is no where near ready to make the sacrafices necessary to reap the benefits of having one.

    Maybe he got a wake-up call and has changed his ways and if you love him for what he is now and not what you hope he becomes then Its worth sticking it out... but you can only get kicked in the gut so many times and I think he's done it enough already.

    You have to let go of all the negativity if you do want to work this out though, if you can't forgive him, really forgive him... then theres no point putting either of you through the lack of trust (he doesn't deserve your trust at this point... but you have to give it or drive yourself nuts)

    If he's worth it, he will do right by you with this second chance, so believe that... while still keeping your eyes open to his behaviors. Don't look for problems where there isn't any... but don't ignore the obvious.
    Last edited by Hopeless Dork; 09-07-2010 at 11:05 PM.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

  9. #9
    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) FEBRUARY 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array stressed's Avatar
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    I don't like how easily he cheated on you with his ex, how easily he lied about everything and how sneaky he can be by giving male names to females on his phone, all that within 8 months. He already started causing trust issues 2 months into the relationship. Maybe he was the one not ready to commit to a serious relationship.

    As for trusting him after all this, it can happen but it takes time. It can take anything from 5 months to years, and that only if he's "clean" during all that time.

    As for checking, I'd advise you to continue doing so for as long as you need to (I know, the uncommon advice). You need to see if you can trust him with your own eyes, since you cannot trust his words at this stage. It's not just hard to blindly trust him after all this, it's next to impossible. I'd even go as far as say that you need to confirm the names on his cell phone with the actual person (i.e. look them up in a catalogue). You need to be 100% sure that he has changed, only then will you begin to trust him again. But like HD said, only if he's worth it.

  10. #10
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    She contacted him, in a way, again. We were at the movies. The credits came on and I left to use the restroom. When I came back he immediately showed me on his phone that she'd sent him a FB request. My first response was that they must still be in contact, for her to reach out like that. So before I even asked he texted her asking why. She responded that it was an accident. Which I think is bs. But needless to say, I was furious.

    I ended up texting her this...
    "I don't know if you're a homewrecking ... or you're just stupid, but you don't seem to understand the concept of staying the (EDIT) away from my boyfriend. So since you seem to have replaced brain mass with silicone, let me make this perfectly clear: do not ever contact him ever again in any way. Do not look at him, do not walk by him, do not wave at him, do not facebook him, do not text him. Because nobody buys the (EDIT) that you 'accidentally' hit the add button. Stay the (EDIT)away and try to dedicate a little less time to being a (EDIT)and more to being a decent human being and a parent your kids can actually look up to."

    I sort of regret it. I know it was immature of me, I was just so incredibly angry that after all this time she still doesn't get the picture. But the main feeling I have right now is fear. I guess I should take comfort in the fact that he showed it to me immediately, if they'd been in contact he would have hidden it, right?
    Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 09-11-2010 at 05:28 PM. Reason: going past the profanity filter

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