Boyfriend has no motivation to get a job...

**echoskybound** · 09-13-2010 11:29 PM

My boyfriend graduated several months ago. He moved back with his parents for the time being, while I'm still at school working on my last year. I love him dearly and I couldn't even express how much he means to me, but he has very little motivation to do work. He went to art school with me, and in the industry he's aiming for, a strong portfolio with a lot of focus is an absolute must. His portfolio is relatively weak, full of obviously-minimum-effort work. He's in a state where he doesn't want to apply to jobs until he improves his portfolio, but he hasn't done any work for months. I'm probably making him sound like a total bum, but trust me that he is a wonderful guy and he treats me with an unparalleled kindness, and if it weren't for his laziness when it comes to his own work, I wouldn't have even a single complaint about him. I don't know what to do, because I keep dreaming of this wonderful plan of living together soon if he gets his act together, gets work done, and gets a job. I want to be with him, but I'm a full time student while working 9-5 half the week, struggling to keep on top of bills and the hours and hours of school work, and when I call him at the end of the day, he hasn't done anything. He almost always says "I'll do lots of work tomorrow", but there's always this perpetual "tomorrow" that never seems to come. I'm just getting upset because I want to be with him and it's completely in his hands, I'm tied down with work and school, but he's not making any moves to advance his life. I have to shamefully admit that thoughts of a co-worker of mine have been quietly popping up in my head. I refuse to think about it for many reasons, but it upsets me because I know that it's a sign of disappointment in my boyfriend, and a longing for him to be passionate about excelling and getting work done.

**SaharaJim** · 09-14-2010 03:03 PM

Times are tough economically speaking. But you need to ask yourself; "how am I going to feel" when you are working hard and he isn't? When you have less money for "fun" and it's going to cover his failures? If you are serious about a "future"- how does that play out when you want a house, or children? At his age do you realistically see him "changing"? Or will he coast as long as his parents let him? Why do you think he will treat you better than he treats his parents? Is his weak portfolio, "full of obviously minimum effort-work", typical of his efforts? Unless you are willing to support him in return for his "unparalleled kindness"--WAKE UP!

**Mes T** · 09-14-2010 03:10 PM

It's a tough one. Like the above poster said times are really tough today... BUT that doesn't mean he can't spend his waking hours trying to move his life forward. It's hard to say whether or not he'll "wake up" so to speak... You do risk being with someone eternally supported by his parents... or supported by you, once you move in together!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2010 02:40 AM

He has no passion in life.

Find his passion, outside of work, something he loves...

I believe that once people see things are passionate and focus, they can focus on other things as well and achieve.

CW

**echoskybound** · 09-15-2010 10:02 PM

Originally Posted by SaharaJim

Unless you are willing to support him in return for his "unparalleled kindness"--WAKE UP!

How long do you think is an appropriate amount of time to wait for someone to get their act together? I don't think I'll be supporting him anytime soon... not while I'm still taking classes for my degree. But I don't think it would be easy for me to drop a guy who is incredibly wonderful in every respect, except his motivation. I could go on and on about how much the guy means to me, and he's worth a lot of patience. I read about the horror stories other poor women on here have with men, and I feel extremely grateful to have a boyfriend who has done so much to make me happy. I don't think leaving him would be an option unless this continues for an unreasonably long time. I just wish I knew how to get this guy to feel self motivated.

CW: I am afraid that he has no passion. He's very okay with living a quiet life. He's actually very social charismatic, funny and kind, but he's perfectly okay with just saying home and reading a book or playing a game over working hard and getting out. I know that I've gone through very long periods where I felt no passion, and I keep hoping that he'll find his soon.

**SaharaJim** · 09-16-2010 10:12 AM

I am opinionated as you have probably already figured out. BUT it is YOUR life not mine and I believe you will make the choices that are RIGHT for you. You need to look at your life not just now but in the reasonably forseeable future. While you remain in school and are working besides you have no real reason to "rock the boat" if you are happy. But you probably need to think about what your life will be with a person who "is incrdibly wonderful in every respect, ecxcept his motivation". From what you say he is content to simply drift down the path of least resistance. Which means that YOU will have to constantly "push' in order for him to do anything in the way of employment. Most people quickly tire of "carrying" another who makes minimal contributions. And if you want things like a house; or want children...where will the money for these things come from?
He shouldn't be Sitting in his parents home waiting for a job to fall in his lap. Almost certainly won't happpen. If he needs to do work to improve his portfolio...he needs to get off his _________; NOW and do the work. If he isn't doing any work in the next three months- Imagine if you had a mortgage payment due or overdue...or your children needed medical care or school clothes or a hundred other things kids need....How long is "unreasonably long"?

**Mes T** · 09-16-2010 11:04 AM

That's always how it is, though, isn't it? EVERYone's boyfriends are "great except for that ONE thing." Oftentimes it's the "one" thing that becomes a deal breaker.

**lonestar** · 09-20-2010 09:46 AM

You won't be supporting him anytime soon cause the man still lives with mom and dad.
However, I understand artist's block. I am a writer who went through a bit of a "dry" period where I coudn't come up with any ideas and my stories would lay stagnant for months. But in the meantime, I found something ELSE to do...
But I urge you to look in the long term- you say you want a long term thing with this guy and that's concerning. I don't doubt he is a wonderful guy who is just a little lost, but unless you are okay with being the sole bread winner (and even if you say you are... how long will you be?), you will be unhappy.

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