Seeing an older man, and confused. Please Help!!

**Agony_Aunt** · 09-14-2010 08:36 PM

Okay, where to start?
I've been seeing an older man for over a year now. There's quite a big age gap. I'm 18 and he's 38.
(if it helps he doesn't look his age!)
It kinda started as a bit of fun, nothing serious. But we continued to see each other and we had been friends before this. Now over a year later, we have both admitted to each other that we have very strong feelings for each other and have fallen for each other.
6months in to the relationship I thought, it has got to end because it will never work, but now I'm starting to think there might be a chance we really could make it work.
But i don't know what my family would think, and I know it is "not socially acceptable" especially as i live in a small town.
I'm very stuck and confused as to should i try make it work with him, or be glad for the time I've had with him.?

. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

**Mes T** · 09-14-2010 08:47 PM

First off I immediately have a damaged view of him because he was 37 and you were 17??? when you met? You must have been mature for your age, which is fine, but he must have been very IMmature for his age in order for it to balance out?? I don't trust immature almost-40-year olds... >_>

That aside, big age differences can work, but it can be a tough situation for sure. Without knowing the details of your feelings for one another, and looking at it from a complete outsider's perspective, I think you have to think about the following:

- He's lived a full life, knows who he is, where he is going. You're only beginning. You might end up getting completely lost, none of your hopes or dreams fulfilled, if you committed to this guy.
- Some years down the line, you'll still be a young and vibrant woman, and he'll be an old man that you'll need to take care of.
- If you have children together, unless you do it fairly soon, his greater age can increase the chance of birth defects.
- Your family and friends might not understand. I know that we should live our lives the way that WE want it, but the people around us are worth considering, too. It's a lonely life without the support of others.

Those are just some initial thoughts I have. You can obviously see my stance but... Whatever you decide, I hope you can ponder both sides of the coin!

**Agony_Aunt** · 09-14-2010 09:03 PM

First, Thank You, for the reply.

I would consider myself to be mature, and that is one thing he said attracted him to me, besides other factors.
The age difference is causing two problems: 1. My family dont understand why i want to be with him, and cant understand why he makes me happy, but all they are thinkig of is the age, not the facts that he makes me very happy, they are always telling me about all the "younger guys" out there. But should they not support my choice more in order to maintain my happiness? Rather than me being left miserable by not choosing to be with him because of their opinion?
The second problem is, his insecurities. He worrys that in 5 years down the line i'l leave him for a younger man or not be attracted to him anymore? Sometimes i do question myself about that but at the same time I would be very happy to still be with him in 5 years time.

**angel wings** · 09-15-2010 01:40 AM

First off i dont beleive that anyone is defined by their age...........and you also cant help who you fall for and click with.....and yes unfortunately society is always going to judge, but at the end of the day if you are happy and he is happy it really doesnt have anything to do with anyone else.......and as with anything in life there are no guarantees.....yes you could be with a younger guy but is that going to make u happy? Go with your heart, whats meant to be will be...and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks....

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-15-2010 01:53 AM

He doesn't look his age... now, however... 20 years is TOO big of an age gap to plan a long term relationship with.... unless you don't mind how far apart you will be generationally as you both age... take for example when you are still in your 30's (think the ladies of sex and the city)he will be a senior citizen (think about that). The older you guys get the less you will have in common... do you really have anything in common now? Understably he's attracted to your youth and beauty, and you his looks and maturity... as he is obviously very very mature in age... but his willingness to date an 18 year old kind of points to his state of mind on what matters in a relationship... and it very likely isn't anything on a mental level. No offense to you.. as I am sure you are very bright... but there is so much growing up to do between 18 and 38 and you guys are worlds apart in life experince..

You weren't even born yet when he was your age so you can see right there he's been around the block and back. If you want to have a fling, a friendship, or even a relationship... is up to you -- but it wouldn't hurt to question his motives, not to mention your own.... it begs to ask "is your father in your life?" and if so... is he emotionally available to you? Has he always been?

Right now he doesn't look 'old' and probably doesn't 'act old... and if you are enjoying his company you are an adult and should do what you want to do that makes YOU happy... but you also should consider what you'd be giving up in dating guys your own age.. the experiences that come with learning about life with someone in a similiar stage.

Now don't get me wrong I don't see a problem with dating older or younger between adults but even bridging one generation would be difficult... bridging 2 or 3... really really hard I would imagine. Like he may get tired of listening to your music and being interested in what you are... things he's likely not that authentically into but wants to be close to you... eventually the novelty may wear off for either of you as far as tolerating being with someone you have no similiar visions of the future with... just because you think each other is cute.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2010 02:04 AM

You need to understand, your parents will always try to guide you, it's only natural...

They off course aren't going to put your feelings first because in their eyes, and possibly most here, a 20 year gap, has not been heard of working, from 17 years of age and they more than likely fear, you will get hurt.

I for one would like to hear the love tale of this relationship, for the past year if you don't mind.. I think that is important when answering.

Questions such as:-

How many times a week do you see him.
Has he met your parents.
What things do you do together.
What attracted you to him.
How did you both first get into this "fun" side of the relationship.

We see celebraties married at different ages, but remembering that they are 30 - 55, as the 20+ age difference..

When this man is 48, you will be 28.. That's not un-acceptable to society..

But, where the difference may lie is this:-

What are your goals in life?
What type of career do you want to have?

Often we fall in love.. But we don't look ahead... We also stop our growth and opportunities in life, because of it.

At 17 years of age, if you stop progressing in life, 5 years down the track it's too late, un-employed or in a job that is not satisfying, with no future... This is something else you need to consider as well...

Your future.
Your life.

Not just a relationship.

Look forward to hearing a little more.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-15-2010 02:07 AM

Very good points CW I agree... after a person reaches a certain level of maturity... age difference is less of a factor.. I think him having been an adult for 20 years and you only been an adult for a few weeks... puts the relationship at a very uneven slant. I think that if you were 30 and he were 50 you'd be more emotionally on his level and he yours because even if you didn't share interest you'd share the fact that you've both been on this earth as an adult long enough to know what makes you happy and what you want out of life whereas 17,18... you have a lot more figuring out to do.

Heck even if you were 22 it would be more reasonable... but he's attempting to date you fresh off the adult assembly line at the youngest he could possibly be with someone without it being illegal.. which again would make me wonder, what he really wanting?

When I was 18 I dated older men too... never 20 years older, but 5 and 10 years old to be sure. And I can look back and say that I was taken advantage of in almost each and every case. They wanted my energy and naivity, my youthful body and beauty but my mind was never taken seriously , they never connected with me on an emotional level other than what it took to get in my pants and moved on to the next chick... leaving me feeling used and confused.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2010 02:12 AM

Most certainly HD, emotional levels are different, as is "change".

Remember each 5 years as you got older, you changed? I know I did

How to have a person keep up with a young one, wanting still to travel, party, yet, he's 48 and wants to watch football, and stay home all the time...

Lot to consider

**rcoreyus** · 09-15-2010 05:11 AM

It might be possible for this to work, but its a long shot for the reasons several posters have mentioned. Another important problem is the power imbalance associated with age. He is old enough to be your father - and it will be difficult to keep your relationship from slipping into a father / daughter relationship. He has so much more experience of the world and such a different outlook.

I am also surprised he is interested in a long term relationship. Why do you think he is interested in someone as young as you - for a long term relationship.

If this were just a brief fling, I would have not problem with it at all - you are both adults.

**sungoddesschelsy** · 09-15-2010 07:41 AM

I can somewhat relate to what you are going through... I was 19 when I met my current boyfriend and he was 29... 10 and a half years is nowhere near 20 but its still a big age gap. We constantly talk about the differences in the way we see things because of the age gap and the way we were raised (he was raised in the south with a house full of relatives, and I was raise in KS with just my mom and dad and brother...)
Its not easy, I constantly have to bite my tongue because I know it will start a HUGE discussion that will never end in him seeing things the way I do. Your heart may want this to work perfectly, but in reality its going to be tons more work than a relationship with someone your own age. IMO relationships are hard enough without adding the extra baggage of the large age gap.