How do you bring this up when your with somebody new?

**liminal** · 09-23-2010 09:24 AM

Hi, I am a male. I am physically unable to have sex. I have been told that their are actually a lot of women that would date a man physically unable to have sex.

I have one problem. How do I bring this up when I am on a date with somebody?

Do you think I should ask her questions such as "do you think you could be with a guy who is physically unable to have sex?"

I have also heard that if you don't hit on a girl by the second date she will assume that you aren't that interested in her. Is that true?

**Agony_Aunt** · 09-23-2010 09:35 AM

I can understand why you want to tell her.

But for the first date, see how it goes, and if it goes well. Tell her you had a great time and would love to see her again.
Then she will know you're interested.
By the second date, maybe give her a kiss and tell her again you enjoyed tonight, on that night suggest going for a meal at the weekend, or drinks?
some where were you can talk and get to know each other more, and if it feels right to tell her the by the third date, go for it.
She will appreciate you being open and honest about it.

**liminal** · 09-23-2010 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by Agony_Aunt

I can understand why you want to tell her.

But for the first date, see how it goes, and if it goes well. Tell her you had a great time and would love to see her again.
Then she will know you're interested.
By the second date, maybe give her a kiss and tell her again you enjoyed tonight, on that night suggest going for a meal at the weekend, or drinks?
some where were you can talk and get to know each other more, and if it feels right to tell her the by the third date, go for it.
She will appreciate you being open and honest about it.

How soon is that? Are dates typically spaced out like a week between each one? Or is it like I should be saying this to her within about a weeks time (with dates much more closely spaced than a week)?

**Mes T** · 09-23-2010 10:07 AM

I think it's best to not be so technical about it. First find someone to be interested in, and then figure out what your dynamic is. Some people date once a week, once a month, or every day. It depends on a lot of things, so my advice is to "go with the flow." Don't over-analyze.

Do say something about this sooner rather than later. I wouldn't say "I can't physically have sex" because that's not true, is it. You can become erect AND you can ejaculate, so you CAN technically have sex.

**liminal** · 09-23-2010 10:20 AM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

I think it's best to not be so technical about it. First find someone to be interested in, and then figure out what your dynamic is. Some people date once a week, once a month, or every day. It depends on a lot of things, so my advice is to "go with the flow." Don't over-analyze.

Do say something about this sooner rather than later. I wouldn't say "I can't physically have sex" because that's not true, is it. You can become erect AND you can ejaculate, so you CAN technically have sex.

I can technically have sex but it's really hard to explain. But physical penetration just would give such feeling of intellectuality that it just doesn't seem fun at all to do.

I know a woman who says that the best sex she ever had was with a man who was never able to become erect.

**Mes T** · 09-23-2010 10:44 AM

It's just if you put it that way then people might misunderstand you, thinking you have ED, or something way more serious. "I can have sex but I don't feel pleasure from it" is more accurate I think!

**liminal** · 09-23-2010 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

It's just if you put it that way then people might misunderstand you, thinking you have ED, or something way more serious. "I can have sex but I don't feel pleasure from it" is more accurate I think!

Oh, well ED is actually much better than what I have IMO. In the case of ED their is no possibility of penetration but you don't have the embarassment of appearing physically different and you can have genital sensations of pleasure that I can't have, those sensations just doesn't lead to erection. You also have to consider that I prematurely ejaculate even when i masturbate. (it usually takes less than 30 seconds of physical stimulation) I don't come out and directly say all these things because of the stigma I feel and because its so hard to explain.)

I have always thought of sex as something beyond simply penetrating somebody.

**Mes T** · 09-23-2010 11:14 AM

I understand, just be careful with your phrasing. Even on this forum it took us a while to figure out what exactly the problem is, imagine how much tougher it can be on a date!

Perhaps you could join some support group (use google to find something in your area) of people with similar issues so you can get comfortable talking about it.

**WildChild** · 09-23-2010 11:15 AM

Get a copy John Grey's classic, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. He was monk for a number of years, left the monkhood and eventually became a relationship counselor. He tells his story of starting to date and interact with women. I think you would find it very helpful to read. In essence he was completely up front that he knew nothing about pleasuring a woman but was willing and eager to learn whatever a woman wished to share. If you gain some skill in the arena of pleasuring a woman and show her your willingness to do so, I think you will not lack for possible partners. Some women, such as myself are very orgasmic with intercourse, but many are not and never orgasm with intercourse. They need other kinds of love making and you could become a master at that and have some very happy women in your life, or one special happy woman.

**liminal** · 09-23-2010 11:25 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Get a copy John Grey's classic, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. He was monk for a number of years, left the monkhood and eventually became a relationship counselor. He tells his story of starting to date and interact with women. I think you would find it very helpful to read. In essence he was completely up front that he knew nothing about pleasuring a woman but was willing and eager to learn whatever a woman wished to share. If you gain some skill in the arena of pleasuring a woman and show her your willingness to do so, I think you will not lack for possible partners. Some women, such as myself are very orgasmic with intercourse, but many are not and never orgasm with intercourse. They need other kinds of love making and you could become a master at that and have some very happy women in your life, or one special happy woman.

I honestly don't feel like I relate to stereotypical depictions of male gender. (maybe it's physiological) Is that a book about sex? Or is it about dating? What's it about?

"Some very many happy women in your life" - How often do men have more than one girlfriend? Do you have more than one boyfriend?