how do u stop previous relationships affecting your new one?? HELP!

**claire7** · 09-25-2010 12:02 PM

Ok so Ive been with my boyfriend for about 6months but its not always easy. Ive had pretty bad luck with men in the past, have been cheated on and treated fairly badly by most of them. I met my current boyfriend 6 months ago and we started dating and in lots of ways hes fixed some of my issues. Hes not perfect but neither am I and hes basically a good guy who loves me. The problem is I have issues that come from exs, issues with jealousy and the fear hes going to eventually hurt me and I sometimes give him a hard time. I hate that Im like this and I hate these petty fights we have, I just need some advice on how to get over the past. I do love him and Im scared Ill push him away

**jns** · 09-25-2010 05:52 PM

Please give more details of his actions that set you off and your reactions to them.

**dr.mansview** · 09-25-2010 11:08 PM

just because 2 or 3 or even 4 bf's have hurt you, doesn't mean they all will, but for sure if you imply that you don't trust this one without any reason, he may not stick around..you wouldn't want him having the same doubts about your character without just cause, would you?

**claire7** · 09-26-2010 07:38 AM

Originally Posted by dr.mansview

just because 2 or 3 or even 4 bf's have hurt you, doesn't mean they all will, but for sure if you imply that you don't trust this one without any reason, he may not stick around..you wouldn't want him having the same doubts about your character without just cause, would you?

I know and thats my problem, I dont know how to stop feeling like this and I know if i dont stop i will wreck everything

**WildChild** · 09-26-2010 08:41 AM

It sounds like you haven't completely let go of those past relationships. Try writing it all out. You may need to do this for each one. First do a good page of dumping, all the hurt, frustration, anger, the rotten things they did. Then write a letter as if you were sending it to them, telling them how they hurt you, how you felt about what happened in the relationship. Then write what you want to hear from them. An appology, an admission that they were wrong? Whatever you need to hear, write it. Finally you write your forgiveness to them. Forgiveness doesn't make what someone did OK, it doesn't mean you forget it. It's more like just gently giving it back. "Here, this is yours. I don't need it"

It may take a few days to do but it really can help.
Give it a try?

**CharlesV** · 10-01-2010 05:40 AM

Its ok, and normal to be wary. Looking after yourself is not a crime. Truat has top be earned, not given. That will take time, and if he loves you he will invest that time.

**claire7** · 10-01-2010 10:08 AM

Well I think its over as of last night so I may start a new thread on how to stop crying

((((((((((((

**lonestar** · 10-07-2010 03:26 PM

Claire- I hope you read this:
The last boyfriend I dated abused me for a year- we were together for two. He scarred me physically and mentally; it does without a doubt make future relationships harder (especially when your ex starts stalking you... which happened when I started dating my current beau). But if you find the right guy- which if he ended it, he is NOT- he will be there for you. Be clear with him why you are so lacking trust. Men can be selfish $$holes, even the good ones. That being said, us girls can be too. Just be clear with him; you must talk about the past no matter how painful it might be, it will help your current relationship. My current boyfriend has had to put up with a lot from me because I am damaged goods, but like I said and what others have posted, the right guy will invest his time in you. He will WANT to help you. I understand what you are going through, but he will come. I promise. In the meantime, have you thought about seeing a counselor? It helps to talk about these things to an unbiased 3rd party.