I Moved Out: An Essay

**wednesdaymorning** · 09-29-2010 05:10 AM

So I don't know if you all remember me from a month ago, but I'm the girl who wanted to move out from her boyfriend and in with her parents. I thought I'd give an update as I may soon need more help.

A few nights after I told my boyfriend, for the third time, I wanted to move out, my sister called me in tears and said: "I did something bad. I took a bunch of pills and I don't know what they were. I just can't take the pain." My big sister, my best friend for my entire life attempted--with her four-year-old son in the next room--to kill herself over a boy seven years younger than her because he broke up with her for the fourth time. Without doubt, that was the worst day of my life.

I fought two entire families across four states tooth and nail, 24\7 to get her out here away from all her problems so we could work on fixing her. Two days and a cell-phone burn on my cheek later, we got her out here and I started dedicating every bit of time I could to proving to her that life is wonderful.

My boyfriend was being very supportive and making sure not to cause any trouble. He packed up all my things for me so I could move back in to my parents house. He even took her and I out to new and exciting places to keep everything light and fun. Everything was starting to get a little better: my sister was alive and safe and my boyfriend was showing me that caring generosity that made me fall for him 3.5 years ago.

Then, suddenly, everyone forgot everything. My alcoholic mother (a very hush hush subject that has been going on since before I was born and litters the pages of my elementary school diaries) started drinking constantly. Before this, she had been sober for months. Now she is never coherent or the mother I love. My boyfriend still hasn't gotten a job and has started picking fights with me over every little thing. Mostly: "You don't give me enough sex," "I need more attention," or "I'm so bored and I wabt out of this apartment and all you do is take take take but you never give back to me!" When I don't want to go out, he blows up; when I don't want sex, he gets angry; when I don't give him sex for two days, he starts to pick random fights and blames it on his testosterone buildup from lack of sex.

As if the actual boyfriend problems aren't enough, my parents are constantly on my case about said boyfriend. My mother drunkenly slurs from the kitchen: "Wednesday, I'm worried about you! You're going to make your sister kill herself if you keep bringing her around your relationship! It'll make her lose faith!"

Oh! And to add a beautiful cherry to the top of my sundae, my sister--who had gotten a job here, started getting paperwork for her divorce going, and started lookong for a therapist--just informed me that she has started talking to her ex-boyfriend again you know, the one she tried to kill herself over.

I don't know how I've managed to at least keep my grades up through all this.

So:
-I'm emotionally wrecked.
-I need to get my sister away from this guy. Even though I already called and begged him never to speak to her again...
-I don't know how to convince my mother that she needs professional help for her drinking.
-My boyfriend is driving me crazy.
-My father is almost entirely dead weight.

Am I just overreacting?

**KMonte85** · 09-29-2010 07:02 AM

of course you're not over-reacting! Your relationship with your family and your boyfriend is strained right now, and that's a tough thing to go through!

But Wednesday, hun - you can't solve the world's problems. I know you want to help your sister and your mom, but they can't receive that help until they are 100% ready for it. And it doesn't seem like they are. If your sister wants to go back to her ex, she will - whether you call him and tell him to leave her alone or not. If you mom wants to drown her sorrows, she will... you can encourage her to get help, and support her if/when she decides to get it, but that's all you can do.

..it is an unfortunate part of life. We can't control everything, and we can't help those that aren't ready to receive it.

Just keep working on making YOU better. Stay in school, keep your grades up. I still think you're better living with your parents for the time being than your boyfriend. He may have been sweet momentarily, but he's (again) gone back to his usual habits of disrespect and guilt-trips. Go out with friends, joing clubs or take up hobbies that you enjoy, that will get you out of the house, and will relax your mind. You've done everything that you can do for everyone else... start taking some time to take care of you now.

**Olympia** · 09-29-2010 07:23 AM

Wednesday,
You have much on your plate!
After reading your thread, my mind keeps going back to things my grandmother used to say. "Before we can help others, (be a friend to yourself) we need to help ourselves".. Getting your situation/life to a happy place, then help those that you can.
But.. Sometimes, even with all the help one gives, it does not work out. The person has to Want.. to be helped to improve or turn around a situation. Believe in yourself... do not get down, if after your attempts to help, back slide.
I hope all will work out for you and your family..

**kygirl** · 09-29-2010 02:46 PM

You are only one person. I tell myself that all the time and it sounds like your stress situation is way worse than mine right now. I still think you need to drop the boyfriend. This is a rough time, you have enough going on. He should be your support. Your rock. NOT another big issue to deal with. Your sister needs you right now, and I really hope and pray she realizes that she needs to move on from this person and not possibly risk hurting herself again, but she is a grown woman and you can't force her to do what she should. Same thing with your mother. I am sorry she has relapsed in her battle, but all you can do is love her and encourage her to want more for herself.

You need to do what you need to do to make Wednesday happy. Be a good friend, a good student, a good whatever you want and realize that YOU deserve happiness too. Hopefully that is the best example you lead is to show them you are happy and they can be too.

Good luck dear. I am so sorry to hear that all has happened.

**jns** · 09-29-2010 06:34 PM

Originally Posted by kygirl

I still think you need to drop the boyfriend. This is a rough time, you have enough going on. He should be your support. Your rock. NOT another big issue to deal with.

I wholeheartedly agree with dumping the boyfriend. You need to whittle things down to manageable portions. If he doesn't want to help and instead wants to be another problem, tell him "we will have to try this at some other time".

**wednesdaymorning** · 10-01-2010 12:26 AM

Thanks again everyone.

I never really thought I was taking on too much for myself. I always thought that in order to be a good friend/daughter/girlfriend/sister, you just have to show that person you care enough to devote every ounce of your being to making them feel alright. I really don't like hurting peoples' feelings and always just thought I'd take their as long as they're happy. When I say it out loud, it's really very ridiculous. And, in a true projection type of way, I hate that trait in other people. I hate hearing the problems of those who aren't confident and strong. That's what I wished I was.

But, you guys, things are scary! I know, I know, I know, it's only scary because I don't know the future and I just have to leap in to it, but that makes my brain ache. It's like I try to make everyone happy as to protect myself from their dramatic explosions on to me of all the horrible things I might be doing.

Some days I also think I should drop the boyfriend. God knows my whole family is up my about it. I know they're only doing it because they care, but why do I still spend hours on the phone with him crying and telling him I'm sorry for things I didn't even do?! Oh god, I think I need a therapist or something... Also, let's, for fun, say that I do break up with him. It would cause so much drama. I can't even comprehend that drama with my feeble human mind, it's so catastrophic. And I do love him. I mean...he's fun and funny and cute and stuff... My heart would hurt too.

Sometimes I wish I could just clone myself and slap the out of me to knock some sense in to me. It's gotten to a point where I don't even know what's right anymore.

But enough about that. I think I do need to do some things for me. Maybe work on losing the 40 lbs of pure, rock hard stress I've packed on in the past year. I joined a gym, but someone always has a problem with me leaving for it. Usually it's my boyfriend leaving angry texts about how I'm at the gym and not with him and boys are probably looking at me. Tried to join the French club at my college. He told me I wouldn't like it because there would be people there. And the ridiculous thing is that I believed him. Good lord, what has become of me?

**Olympia** · 10-01-2010 04:16 AM

I never really thought I was taking on too much for myself. I always thought that in order to be a good friend/daughter/girlfriend/sister, you just have to show that person you care enough to devote every ounce of your being to making them feel alright.

If that is the case.. What about, You..? And why do "you" have to devote every ounce to others, when things in your personal life are not stable?
IMO, People will do, as they do with or without intervention. They ultimately must, desire to and work at that said goal. We as friends and loved ones can only do so much..being a supportive figure for them sometimes is the best solution.

I think I do need to do some things for me. Maybe work on losing the 40 lbs of pure, rock hard stress I've packed on in the past year.

You hit the nail on the head.. Do something constructive for You! You will be a better friend and loved one to others if you take care of your own needs..

**kygirl** · 10-01-2010 08:01 AM

Originally Posted by wednesdaymorning

Maybe work on losing the 40 lbs of pure, rock hard stress I've packed on in the past year. I joined a gym, but someone always has a problem with me leaving for it. Usually it's my boyfriend leaving angry texts about how I'm at the gym and not with him and boys are probably looking at me. Tried to join the French club at my college. He told me I wouldn't like it because there would be people there. And the ridiculous thing is that I believed him. Good lord, what has become of me?

Wednesday, I think you really need to read what you wrote there. I know you have a lot of time invested in this boy and that maybe temporarily the stress might get worse before it gets better, but read that to yourself. Pretend someone else said it and it wasn't you. You don't do things because *he* has issues with it. You don't work out and take care of yourself because *he* is more concerned about what other people might be doing instead of with your health and wellbeing. You don't join new clubs because *he* doesn't like you being around other people.

Sweetie, only you can break this chain. But you are way too young to be giving up living your life the way you want to live it because the person who should be supporting you is just holding you back. That's not what love is. That's not how someone who wants the best for you should treat you. You deserve sooo much more than that. SOOO much more.

It's great that you want to help others and that you care so much, but you can't really give 100% until you care about you enough to stand up for you and what you need and deserve. Trust me. I say that as someone who has been in your shoes. Don't waste your life like that.

**wednesdaymorning** · 10-03-2010 02:58 PM

Thanks guys, I understand what you're saying. I guess my problem is with "how." For some reason, those options of doing things for myself and not wasting my life (which I agree with you on that) don't compute. I can't just abandon my family like that.

I recently just stopped talking to my "best" friend. About 2 months ago. I mean, she never treated me well at all and walked all over me. And in the last 2 months, she's flooded my phone with text messages every three or four days asking why I'm not talking to her. I can't even answer her because I'm so upset with her. I just want her to go away. Looking at all the horror-movie drama she's causing on my phone, doing anything like that to anyone else would be worse. And I don't want to ignore my family.

Is there a happy medium? I've been contemplating running away for a little while. Maybe just up to the mountains. I'm not good at confrontation anymore. I used to be, but suddenly not anymore. I can't even think of possible solutions, that's how deep I am in to this stuff.

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