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It sounds like you are in a committed relationship and he isn't.
Where did we go wrong?
My bf and I have been dating for 4.5 years. We have had a lot of fun and been very supportive of one and other. We have each been through a nasty divorce and have learned from them. We each have 2 kids living at home and lead busy lives. We have made time for each other and have gone on vacations alone and with our kids. We are in a committed relationship.
About 6 months ago he told me a mutual friend gave this woman his phone #. She called him up for a date and they began talking. I am not sure how long but I suspect about 1 month. He told me he was "curious" about this woman and wanted to see go further with her. I was upset but basically said do what makes your heart sing.
He never did and remained with me. I asked him not to have any further contact with her because she was looking for a partner, the main reason she contacted him. He said he was just a "friend" and he would do her best not to have contact. I said "do your best"? I said if you want to spend time her that's fine but I am out here. He never really promised he wouldn't and I didn't want to ask in fear of the answer. Time went on and a couple months later I found some texts on his cell phone to and from her. One was all I needed to see and it was to her inviting her to call him because he was childless and home alone sick.
I was again furious and told him he was a lying prick! We somehow starting working on it again. I told him AGAIN that if he wants female friends who call him up for dates that's fine but I don't want to be one of them. I gave him the choice.
A couple of months later I find an email from a different woman after they had been together. She said she was intrigued by their time together and had time to think about what they both wanted and where they would go from there. She said she meant what she said about no pressure that it was important to figure things out as friends first. Then she said she would explain more next time assuming he still wanted to meet again.
I lost it and became very upset. I confronted him and told him I was on his computer. He became very upset as well and accused me of being controlling and abusive. Both of us said things we regret now but that happens when emotions are high. I don't know what I did wrong other then being on his computer. Was he wrong to do what he did?
Help please!?!?
It sounds like you are in a committed relationship and he isn't.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Ditto to what WC said. You're with someone who doesn't want to be without a woman in his life. He's interested in this woman, but knows you're a good woman too, he doesn't want to lose you if she's gonna turn out to be a dud, so he's trying to do what a lot of people do....have his cake and eat it too. He's being very foolish. Because if you are in a long term relationship and allow yourself to stray, of course that new relationship is going to seem exciting fun and different because it's NEW. People in that situation don't often tell themselves, "it may be fun now, but whats it going to be like in 4 years?". He's acting on infatuation......and that's very telling about where his heart is after 4 years with you.
I'm thinking why would this "friend" try to set him up with someone knowing he's been with someone for over 4 years......... unless he's complaining about the relationship or expressing unhappiness behind your back.
I believe if you want to save yourself alot of jealousy and heartache, it's time to peace and part this relationship.
let me tell you i went through this exactly with an ex of 4 years, after going back everytime and NOTHING changing...he is still going to be curious, facing the REALITY..he cheated, UNFAITHFUL, thats not what you want nor deserve, so as hard as it may be, walk away..because though right now you think you couldnt live without him, or find anyone else...you will, i did!
I agree with the above posters as well. It's really unfortunate he hasn't grown up yet (which is probably what caused his divorce in the first place). But, maybe you're dodging a bullet? Do you really want your children to be around someone like that? I'm assuming they're fairly young? He does sound like one of those people who have a problem with being on their own. Does he have a good relationship with his family? And yeah, snooping on the computer is bad blah blah blah... but if he had been honest with you in the first place, you wouldn't have had to go there...
By getting mad at you for snooping, all he is doing is deflecting so that you stop looking at what he did wrong and feel guilty for what you did. He cheated and he continues to look for opportunities to "sow his wild oats." Why would you want to be with a person like that?
Thank You
all for your responses. I just don't know what to do. I guess I have to decide if I want him back or cut my losses and move on. I really care for him and I have felt loved and cared for by him. He has asked for space and time to think about things and I need to do the same.
Thanks again!
Our children are teenagers and almost out of high school. He has said he is very lonely and doesn't like being alone. Their are times when his children leave for the weekend or extended periods and he feels lost. He doesn't like sleeping alone and wants someone around everyday. I can relate because I feel lonely at times too. I desire to have another adult around, preferably a partner to share my day with and bounce things off of them but I wouldn't go out with a single man if he called me up for coffee, drinks, dinner or a walk around the park. Call me old fashioned but I would fee like I'm cheating.Originally Posted by lonestar
I agree about the computer thing and if I hadn't found anything the level of trust would have grown and we would still be together today.
Thanks for you thoughts.
I love this person very much. We have a lot in common and have had many good times together. We have been a support for one and other and I have felt loved and cared for in the past.
you keep mentioning "the past" but take a look at your current situation, can you say you feel the same...or are you saying to yourself "i wish things could go back to the way they use to be.." thats when its time to leave, your heart and your mind say two different things, and unfortunately sometimes your mind sometimes has a tendency to take over, but really, in your heart...you know its not right, you just fear of other things, such as being lonely..dont let that keep you in an unhappy place, god knows i did for 4 years, you dont want to spend your life "wasted" so to speak..not saying that you are, or that he is a waste, but if your covering up your true feelings that u feel deep down..then ur just going to keep dragging this thing out longer than necessary, wish u the best
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