The Break-up!Need some thoughts...

**idon't** · 10-18-2010 10:31 AM

So, i broke up with my long term relationship bf(discovered he has watching gay porn).He was not ok with the idea and I was trying for months not to leave him but i couldn't so we broke up a couple of weeks ago.We spent the last days of our relationship sleeping together etc and one day i asked him if he thought that there was a little part for him wanting our relationship to end and he said "maybe...to see what i want finally.but it's a very small part of me and i'm doing this for you".He told me several times that if he tried sth with a man,it would be for me, so that i can be sure of what he is etc..I told him that i' m not pushing him,that even if he doesn't do anything with a guy that would also answer all my questions(it would mean he's not that interested) as much as it would if he actually tries.And that he shouldn't tell me it's for me because it's clearly for him that he would experience this.He didn't answer to that.And i think he didn't answer because it's clear he doesn't want not to try but he's kind of "accusing" me,don't you think?Now he sends me messages telling me it was a mistake we broke up and that if he gets to have sex with a man it will be for me!Why does he keep telling me that??Anyway...Do you think he would do that for me?I didn't ask him to!Why did he let me go if he's not interested in men, as he keeps telling me now?Would he agree on breaking up if he didn't want guys?And if he wanted me that much and wanted to spend his life with me why did he tell me that thing(that it's good to break up etc...).I need some thoughts here...Thanks!

**idon't** · 10-18-2010 01:05 PM

Anyone??

**KMonte85** · 10-18-2010 01:16 PM

I'm glad you called his bluff on his comment that if he were to have any sexual encounter with a man, it would be for you.

....really?

I think you're both doing the right thing by breaking up. You still have hangups about his looking at gay porn and are (understandably) having trouble with his attraction to men. He's still quite confused about what he wants, which isn't fair to either of you...

So why waste more time? As far as I'm concerned, he needs to go and figure himself out, and you should go and just be single for a while, have fun with friends, get into a hobby.. and learn how great life can be when you're not constantly wondering if your boyfriend is fantasizing about dudes and/or going to act on it.

**Kallygirlie** · 10-18-2010 01:18 PM

Theres alot of people out there that are curious what it would be like with the same sex. Some follow through and some don't. Nonetheless, if he does, its not for you. You can't have sex for someone else. If he didn't have the thought in his mind, he wouldn't even entertain the notion of possibly being with a man. Most men would be so offended you even asked. Its hard to say if he really wanted the break up. Maybe he felt embarrased that you found out about his curiousity so he agreed. Its really hard to say. What I can say is he need to figure out who he is before you can continue on with the relationship. the last thing you want is to have your bf cheating on you with a guy.

**idon't** · 10-19-2010 05:30 AM

Thank you...

**WildChild** · 10-19-2010 08:27 AM

I find your avatar confusing. You are a woman?
Sounds like he isn't too sure what he wants. He could be bi? Our society can visit so much negativity on people's sexuality that being honest with ourselves, let alone others, can be a very scary thing. He needs to get clear about what his sexual orientation is and how that will work with others.

His saying he would only have sex with another man for you, sounds like he has a fantasy about you requesting it of him and maybe watching. Like the rape fantasy we talked about on another thread, this seems to me to be a way of exploring something without owning resposibility for it. If you can be a supportive friend in this that would probably help him a lot. You should encourage him to explore this and find out what he really wants and hoe he really feels about it. That doesn't mean that you have to be in a sexual relationship with him while he does so, you need to be sexually safe and comfortable. If he is bi and needs to act on that, are you able to live with an open relationship? Would you trust him to always have safe sex with others?

Screwing around is screwing around, regardless of what gender you are doing it with. Some people handle and open relationship and lovingly want to see their partner happy while they persue their own happiness, other people just can't share that way. There is no real right or wrong with that as long as you are both in full agreement and have ground rules you both agree to. The problems come in when one develops their own rules or throws out the mutual rules.

**idon't** · 10-19-2010 09:38 AM

I'm woman,this is Gerard Butler!

Well he is very loyal,he wouldn't like an open relationship, he wouldn't hve sex,regardless of the gender, with other people if we were together.The thing is i think he has been on denial concernig his sexuality and that he really needs to explore it. What i find confusing is that he's kind of trying to put the "blame" on my,as if i was the one who pushed him to that by braking up.I don't get it.Why is he sending me messages telling me it was wrong that we broke up,etc?And why is he telling me it'll be for me if he ever has sex with a guy?

**WildChild** · 10-19-2010 09:39 AM

Sounds like he is fighting who and what he is. Be a friend but he must resolve this on his own. It's his journey.

**idon't** · 10-19-2010 09:59 AM

Yeah,i guess

**idon't** · 10-19-2010 10:17 AM

He keeps telling me it was a mistake,that he doesn't desire men,that he wouldn't like having sex with a guy at all and that he wants me back.Is it so wrong i don't want him back now?Am i stubborn?