Not sure what to do in my current situation

**allisfair** · 10-22-2010 01:56 PM

I'm in a relationship with an amazing guy (going on 4 years), someone who feels like a good choice to marry in the future, both of us had talked about it in the past, we have the same likes and dislikes, samy type of career, I love hanging out/spending time with him, and I love him with my whole heart. But everything is not perfect under the surface. I know that he cares about me greatly, and loves me... but I've recently found out he's no longer attracted to me as he used to be.

There are a few things to note about both him and myself, a bit of background: he's struggling with a porn addiction, which he's done a great job of overcoming recently, and Ive put on some weight since we first started going out, probably from a Canadian size 10/11 to a 12/13... not something I'm happy about but it's not grotesque either as I'm very tall. it's not about watchin porn together either to rekindle the "spark", because he doesn't want to get into seeing it at all, a healthy choice IMO given he might spiral back into it.

Because of the porn addiction I've been helping him by randomly checking Internet history to keep him on track, something he is cool with and wants me to do. problem is I've seen some other things in his browser history, he'd been searching on some sites about what to do when you're no longer attracted to your partner, and I also felt my heart in my throat when I saw a few links he'd looked at for online personals. we just moved into a new rental place and are both on the lease together (in Ontario) for a good 8 or so more months....yet he's also been looking at other 1 br or studio apartments online.

I've been working at losing weight, but I guess I wonder if we can ever have a good healthy relationship again... I didn't mention what I found to him because I didn't know how to treat it... I made a mistake going against my judgement and deciding to move in together, now I feel we might need some space but I'm trapped because I can't afford the rent on this place alone... nor can he. I don't know if we should have some space so he can figure out what he wants because I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to be with him just because it's convenient for both of us regardless o the insecurity I'm feeling due to what he thinks of my weight, and what I keep seeing him look at online. it's tearing me up inside with worry that he'll leave me. all this info I keep finding out is making me feel insecure and paranoid and I don't know how to cope or what to say to him

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-22-2010 02:56 PM

Did you establish why he used to watch Porn, what it was that attracted him to it?

I ask this because, just because he's stating he's not attracted to you anymore, that doesn't mean physically, alone, it could be attracted to you physically, mentally, emotionally...

With taking the porn away,(understand it's his decision as well), but did that take the sex away as well? Did it take the laughter away between you both...

Moving in together can make a woman, turn more into a Mother figure, unless both people, keep the relationship alive, fun and still with that "dating" ratio in it...

Maybe he feels he's just "living" in my opinion, an addiction is usually replaced with something hopefully healthier and in that, the person can forget the past addiction...

So, I guess I'm saying if your both not happy in the bedroom, the attraction can go...

CW

**allisfair** · 10-22-2010 03:30 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Did you establish why he used to watch Porn, what it was that attracted him to it?

I ask this because, just because he's stating he's not attracted to you anymore, that doesn't mean physically, alone, it could be attracted to you physically, mentally, emotionally...

With taking the porn away,(understand it's his decision as well), but did that take the sex away as well? Did it take the laughter away between you both...

Moving in together can make a woman, turn more into a Mother figure, unless both people, keep the relationship alive, fun and still with that "dating" ratio in it...

Maybe he feels he's just "living" in my opinion, an addiction is usually replaced with something hopefully healthier and in that, the person can forget the past addiction...

So, I guess I'm saying if your both not happy in the bedroom, the attraction can go...

CW

to your first question, and perhaps a part of the answer: he was into porn because during his teen years it was his only sexual outlet, i was his first in pretty much all ways, down to first serious relationship (at 25) so i do see that in part he is curious about what else is out there.

i dont want to lose him or take a break for the reason that i know what we have is good, we are good together and i dont know if i would feel the same about him if he went and "experimented" and we tried to make it work again. it isnt fair to me to be put through that when im so certain that he is what i want.. it would tear my heart out seeing him wit someone else. yet i know he might always wonder about others and not be there in the relationship as muhc as i am if he doesnt have some basis for comparison to show him that yes, we really are a great match.

i let it move too fast i now believe, our living situation was never supposed to be permanent but it became so against my better judgement... now im in this position knowing he might want to experience someone else which makes me insecure and is compounded by the fact he said he loves me still but i see this obvious detachment wih the online personals and looking up bachelor pads for him to live alone in (we moved to a larger place togeher, so i kniw its not research for us).

I had noticed a lack of sex for a period of time and we had a talk abiut it and have since had a regular sex life, to say a few times a week. he believed his libido went down because of the stop in watching porn.

would you mind furher explaining what you meant about "just living"? i know hes gotten back into an old hobby to better spend his time and hone some creatuve skills.

the things i wrote about arent concerning me just because they happened, hey are concerning me because in he past he and i have already "worked through" them and yet im seeing a reoccurance.

we talked in the past about the lack of attraction and he admitted it was a physical thing, and we worked through issues about lack of sex and it got better but hes still looking hese things up online so i guess the main quesion is where do i go from here? do i end it and live wih the fact i left my greatest love? because he wasnt happy? do i wait for him to end it potentially and live with this fear hanging over me? with the hope that it wilk somehow work itself out? i would normally pick opion 3.. where we give ourselves a bit of space and breahinh room to figure it oit but as we live together i cant

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-22-2010 03:57 PM

would you mind furher explaining what you meant about "just living"? i know hes gotten back into an old hobby to better spend his time and hone some creatuve skills.

Sure

I am just aware that if life in general has no passion, no goals, no hobbies, no laughter, then it's just living, hense why I posed those questions..

How were things before the pair of you moved in?

And, do you think that, the porn was an addiction and he actually misses it, hense, the attraction comment and hense the batchelor pad views or do you really think it's because of a few pounds, because if it is, that's judgemental, a person should love you for who you are and being tall, you can hide it quite well..

Maybe you need date nights, maybe he needs more hobbies...

CW