Hurt/Angry/Confused! Help!

**Flowerpurse** · 10-26-2010 03:21 AM

Ive got a dilema thats making me go mental!

Basically when my boyfriend was at Uni he lived with this girl called X for 4 years as they were both studying so they shared a house (apparently)... anyway at the time she had a small baby called XY & my boyf got quite attached to the child and brought it up... again i wonder why you would do this if you were just 'friends' but whatever...

Hes still really close to the child and goes to visit him (the child is now a young teenager).
I dont care about his relationship with the child it doesnt bother me i find it endearing and very sweet in a way but he's just gone to visit i found out that he's staying at the mothers house to see the child!!

The mother has another baby now and has just split up with her new boyfriend so she's newly single.
I went mental when i found out as he told me the day before he left to go visit (last week) that he'd be staying there for 4 days then he'd be going to see his mum... then he tells me that he's actually taking her and both her children up to see his mum because the lady in question wants his mum to meet her new baby...

I told him i was 100% not happy about this as i feel like he's playing happy families and it's not right... id never go and stay with another guy and i would never do anything he was uncomfortable with that i knew would hurt him. I also feel like i should be the one he does these things with.

Anyway hes gone anyway and now i feel horrendous being stuck here knowing that he's done something to me that he knew would hurt me..

This also leaves me with the issue that even if we sort it out this time will he do it again? He's said she is his best friend and it's all there is to it - but early on in our relationship he admitted that one night they did sleep together...

I dont know whether i should finish it and move on and get over him or try and compromise? The only problem is i dont know if i can do it as i keep getting so upset by it all that i feel as if im now being too nasty to him when he calls me because im so so so so hurt...

He also has said that one day he'd want me to meet her... i dont think i can do this as im angry at her for having no respect for me and not backing off...

What do i do??

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-26-2010 04:52 AM

Flowerpurse, welcome...

Can I ask how old you are? He?

Have you broached the question of whether it is his child, or she was his childhood sweetheart only...

The fact that the family want to see her, the child, who's almost a teenager makes me question as to whether it's his, odr their bond is close.

The other thing is that he "wants you to meet her" one day. That suggests that he has feelings for you for future, and wants you both to get along

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-26-2010 06:53 AM

I think you have every right to be upset and concerned. If the situation were reversed (although I'm sure he'd deny it if you asked him) he'd be upset and concerned too. He seems to be putting this woman up on a pedestal.

Why is he not taking you with him when he goes to stay with her? Why is he not taking you with him to see his family? If this child (and now these CHILDREN) mean so much to him, then why doesn't he want them to know you as well?

I think it sounds like he's being very insensitive. No, you should never make him choose between you and a friend. BUT, your feelings should come first no questions asked. It just sounds to me like perhaps his feelings for this woman go much deeper than he's willing to admit, but that hers most likely don't and that perhaps she likes the attention she and her kids get from him (especially when she's single and has no man in her life). Was he going to stay with her when she had a boyfriend?

**teeky** · 10-26-2010 08:13 AM

I agree with Beautiful Disaster. He hasn't taken your feelings into consideration, he knew that you would have a problem with him staying with another woman. That is crazy! But, it is all up to you. Your the only one that knows what you can and will deal with, I know, it's hard when you love someone.

**Little_Miss_Me** · 10-26-2010 09:21 AM

What a terrible situation. Honestly, I would have invited myself to go with him and spend time with them. If he declined, I'm not sure if I'd even attempt to work it out. But you know him better than any of us. If you feel like everything is innocent, then explain to him why it bothers you so much. If you think there's much more, I don't see much to be worked out. =/ Best of luck.

**whit4488** · 10-27-2010 06:59 AM

im going to make my opinion short and simple...he more than likely is being "unfaithful" in some form of the way, i would never accept this in my relationship, you dont deserve that. if someone truly loves you, then they wouldnt do something that would hurt you. he seems a little immature and childish, hes not ready for a serious committed relationship with you, pack your bags and find someone else...trust me.

**JadedQueen** · 10-27-2010 11:50 PM

I've said it once, I'll say it again... men are insensitive, inconsiderate and just plain RUDE! Prior to him telling you he was going to be staying at her place where did you think he was going to be staying at? Would it have been financially possible for him to stay in a hotel during his visit? Did he invite you to come with him or even suggest that you join him on his trip? I can see how this is so upsetting for you and my heart goes out to you. Please let us know what happens.

**Casey715** · 11-01-2010 09:17 PM

Dang JadedQueen, tell us how you really feel about men. lol. Why would he stay elsewhere when he has the connection he has to this family? My first question, how long have the two of you been going out? This would be really helpful. He was TOTALLY upfront with you. Sounds like he trust you. Your bf sounds like one heck of a MAN. Being a father figure to a kid that is not your own, that takes a real MAN. I were you, I would let him (your bf) involve you at his choosing.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-02-2010 07:07 AM

I were you, I would let him (your bf) involve you at his choosing.

Casey, so just to clarify, you'd be perfectly fine if your girlfriend that you were supposed to be in a serious exclusive relationship with was periodically going to visit another man whom she had previously had sex with (and that you'd never been invited to meet), and his child (whom she was also close with) and staying overnight at his house? And then, taking him and his children to visit her parents, when YOU, her boyfriend had never been invited to meet her parents?? You'd have no problem with that at all?

**Casey715** · 11-02-2010 01:52 PM

Beautiful Disaster you are turning it around. He is not going to visit 'another' woman, he is going to visit his friend who happens to be a woman. His friend and her child, who he is like a big brother or father to, have a new addition to their family. "Hey mom, this is ABC's baby son." Would it be weird if I took my friend, whom my mom has known for a time, to my moms house to introduce her baby? Every time one of my friends have a kid I take them over to my moms. My mom would be mad if I didn't. My mom know all of my best friend and she feels like she is apart of there life too. Is this hard to understand. That my mom is part of my life and she likes my friends? Yes Beautiful Disaster, there is a huge difference between taking my friend and her new baby to my moms, and taking my GF to meet my mom for the very first time. Totally different. My friend and my mom know each other. OP's bf is not introducing his friend to his mother, but her new baby. The fact that OP has not met bf's mother leads me to wonder just how long have the two been "in a serious exclusive relationship"? If it has been 2 months. I have no problem at all. If it has been a year, then yes, I would have a problem.