A stupid mistake

**littlebitinsecure** · 10-29-2010 02:00 PM

My boyfriend recently broke up with me and I didn't take it too well, it ended on pretty bad terms after a big row and I stupidly ended up having sex with another man while we were split, it was a one off and we used protection and I felt awful afterwards and wished he was my boyfriend.

The next day my boyfriend realised he had been wrong in ending the relationship and begged me back.

I took him back but have chosen not to tell him about the other man, I was scared he would be hurt and not want to be with me.

The problem is now I am feeling paranoid that he has been with someone else during our break when I really have no right to. I also feel guilty and worried that this will affect the trust in our relationship. I don't know what to do, it feels too late to tell him now and he has declared how much he loves me, can I just move on from this and make a new start with my boyfriend?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-29-2010 04:06 PM

Welcome to the Forum.

In general terms, sleeping with someone when you break off with a significant other half, is rebeliousness, anger, hurt, all of those rolled into one...

Perhaps because you did it, your wondering in the back of your mind if he did too...

Trust is highly important but here's the thing, you were not together, (although it was 1 night of not being together), it had ended..

It's a tough one because your right, a man would not understand this over 1 night break up if your in love and you personally have to really question your love for him, how you really feel or if you really just like being in a relationship and feel comfortable with him, rather than love, think on what that arguement was all about and if it was justified...

Some people keep skeletons in a closet, .... some be honest and lose the person but at least told the truth...

You and only you can make this decision unfortunately....

CW

**littlebitinsecure** · 10-29-2010 05:30 PM

Thank you for responding to me

I have a history of love addiction and so I think my 'acting out' with this other man was indeed a reaction to my hurt and a longing to recreate the feelings of comfort I get from my partner in a time when I was feeling very low and confused. I am yet to decide if this is love with my current partner or simply as you said comfort.

The problem is I asked my partner if he went with anyone while we were apart and he said no he hadn't and swore on his life he hadn't, he also said he felt the reason I asked him was because I had. This has made me feel worse and really I should not have approached the subject, I was driven by my own guilty consciounse and now feel awful as he has not done anything and I have and I have asked him which is even worse.

We weren't together and a part of me wants to sweep it under the carpet and start a fresh but I just don't want to be racked with guilt for what I have done.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-29-2010 05:43 PM

I guess, I would wait until you establish your feelings, if it's comfort (seeing as your agruement was huge), then you owe nothing in explanation in my opinion, if it's the love of your life, then I probably would.. at some point.

CW

**sourpuss** · 10-30-2010 09:21 AM

Yikes, I wish you hadn't asked him that. Let sleeping dogs lie as they say. You were slip, so both of you, technically, were free to do whatever/whomever you wanted. It may not have been the best decision but it seems like it's not the topic that should be introduce into an already fragile situation with the whole on/off again thing.
If it were me, I'd chalk it up to acting out and take it as a learning experience and leave it at that.
Wondering if he did and hashing it out will get the two of you no where fast.

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-30-2010 09:27 AM

I agree with sourpuss, if you didn't ask him that question you could just go on letting the past be the past. You were broken up after all. But since you posed the question and had to then answer it for yourself, it created a lie... that will now sit with you. And yes it will make you wonder if he is able to lie to you the way that you were able to lie to him. Thats what happens when people do that. Thats why when a guy cheats he becomes insanely jealous (or girl btw), they see how easy it was for them and wonder if their partner is doing it too... vicious circle.

You guys were broken up, what he did and what you did should have been sucked up into a black hole never to be thought of or brought up. But you asking him changed that, because now you are forced to feel guilt for lying where you could have just comforted yourself with the fact you guys were not together and that time was irrelevent to your relationship.

You should NOT concern yourself with what he did while you guys were apart. Even if he did mess around, so did you... did it stop you from wanting to be back with him? No... and whether or not he did... it obviously had no effect on his feelings to you either.

**WildChild** · 10-30-2010 09:29 AM

What you did when no longer seeing him is no ones business but your own, regardless of the time period. That also means that what he did is none of yours. People only feel a need to explain, justify or question, when feel they are in the wrong, you aren't. Just leave it alone.

What it is you think you have to feel guilty about? It's was just sex.

**Casey715** · 11-01-2010 08:50 PM

Originally Posted by littlebitinsecure

The problem is I asked my partner if he went with anyone while we were apart and he said no he hadn't and swore on his life he hadn't, he also said he felt the reason I asked him was because I had. This has made me feel worse and really I should not have approached the subject, I was driven by my own guilty consciounse and now feel awful as he has not done anything and I have and I have asked him which is even worse.

The advice given, that a man would not understand, may have have been a little off the mark. Its at your discretion whether he would understand. Anywho. Did you lie and say no, or did you just dodge the question? You can't let it go now. If you lied, you better come clean, and do it quick. Letting the lie continue.....its always worse when you lie.

**WildChild** · 11-01-2010 09:00 PM

Casey makes a valid point here. It isn't entirely clear if Insecure lied. I do agree that isn't acceptable. If so, she opened a door that she can't shut. If that is the case, she should come clean. If he can't deal with it, better to part company. Even if she didn't lie, if she feels 'wracked with guilt' this may not be savable.

You don't own each other. If you have an agreement to be monogamous then you must hold it or end that first. If you have no such agreement and breaking the relationship would end it if you did, then you have no cause for all this upset.

**Awoman2** · 11-02-2010 03:17 PM

Tell him the truth. Really that simple. If you felt insecure about the possibility of him being with someone else. You owe it to him to be honest about it, because it could just turn everything to if it came out another way.

If you hadn't asked him that question, I'd have thought it wasn't his business because you were not together at the time, so if you need that peace of mind, why shouldn't he have it, too?