How to Deal with a Shy Guy?

**kygirl** · 11-17-2010 08:09 AM

I went out a week or so ago with this guy that I know from school. He's always seemed a bit quiet, but when we were out together, he was non-stop talkative. It was great...then I didn't hear from him for a few days and he invited me out to have a drink with him and a friend which was fine and he was good and talkative, etc...but in between, it's hard to get a word out of him sometimes?

I suggested that we hang out tonight or tomorrow and he is supposed to get back with me, but he has openly admitted that he's not good at picking up on cues? He also invited me out with him and a friend this weekend after he found out he was coming in town.

I'm having mixed feelings. I like him and I like talking to him and by no means am I ready to jump into something... I do however need to know how to deal with a guy that seems into me but isn't aggresive? I guess I'm used to dating Type As....

Thoughts?

**pretzel** · 11-17-2010 08:30 AM

Seems like you've met me in my younger days. I'm not an outgoing person so I can relate.

As frustrating as it may be for you, you'll have to drive most of the conversations. I bet you he is both intelligent and well spoken but just doesn't have that natural gift of gab. Some of us are just naturally like that.

Believe me it pains us not to be as self confident in our abilities to converse.

There is one thing that will happen though, as he becomes more comfortable being with you outside the classroom setting, he'll warm up.

**kygirl** · 11-17-2010 08:39 AM

I think it's just awkward to me because his friends tell me he likes me and I am assuming he wouldn't be asking me to hang out with people he knows if he didn't like me, but I feel like having to be the aggressor at times almost makes me feel like he's not as interested. He's made some efforts, so I don't want to give the impression that I'm flogging him to get him to go out with me. I just don't know if that's okay? I also don't want to seem pushy, but I do think he's a genuinely nice guy, I'm attracted to him and we have a lot in common.

Is there some line there or should I just do whatever and it'll work or it won't?

**pretzel** · 11-17-2010 09:03 AM

Being who he is and the type of personality he has he may be uncomfortable in expressing what he wants and hopes for. Small, subtle signs are kind of like feelers and your response to those will tell him more than you may think.

Remember he's told friends that he's interested in you, but is afraid of being more upfront because he's afraid he may make a fool of himself if it didn't turn out like he hoped. Sounds like he's someone who doesn't really like to draw attention to himself.

Also, he more than likely knows what happened with your last relationship and he may not think that how he feels about you would be reciprocated. Would it?

**kygirl** · 11-17-2010 09:16 AM

Honestly, I think he's had a few rounds with some witchy girls if you know what I mean. I think he is a bit apprehensive bc everyone is telling him how nice I am (one guy told him I was the sweetest person in the entire world....no pressure) and I think he just wants to make sure I'm not crazy or mean before he lays his cards out there. I do feel like he's interested. He seems to genuinely listen when we talk. He remembers things I told him, and he is fun and flirty (or he was more so the last time we hung out) so I guess he is slowly getting more comfortable with me.

As far as feelings being reciprocated, so far, yes, I really do enjoy being around him. I smile when I think about him, and when I've talked to him at school or otherwise, I get butterflies and go into Perma-grin mode. I think there is potential. I just don't want to ruin it by asking him to do things and him thinking "man this girl is pushy". I don't think he feels that way at the moment, but I am just used to a different type of individual so it's an adjustment.

The fact that he remembers things, responds to emails/texts, talks to me on the phone if I call (for like 30 mins) and that we end up talking for hours when we've been together out definitely makes me feel good about it... I think we're both just dipping our feet in the water

**pretzel** · 11-17-2010 09:29 AM

Sounds like you two are off to a good start.

Patience is a virtue.

(on edit)

If you want to do things with him I very seriously doubt he'll think you're being pushy. He's looking for a sign from you that you're interested in him as well. What better sign than to ask him if he wants to go somewhere or do something with you?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-17-2010 10:54 AM

Okay...so I can sort of relate because I'm used to jumping into relationships rather quickly, having someone want to be with me a lot, seem very eager to see me, talk to me, etc etc etc. This new guy (been dating him about 2 months now) is quite different. I've had to remind myself a million times, "easy now girl...you wanted someone that would take it slow and not pressure you.....now you've got it". It's been a conscious awareness on my part. When he doesn't text me when I think he ought to, or when he doesn't ask me to do something when I think he should, or when he doesn't ASSUME (like alot of guys in the past which drove me crazy) that we're going to be together......I have to remind myself this is okay, this is healthier for me than someone doing the opposite. There have been times that if he went 5 hours and didn't text me back I'd think something was wrong and start trying to find an excuse in my mind to contact him. But I slapped myself in the face figuratively and said "No....silence is golden....let him respond on his own." And he always does. On his time, when he's not busy, when he's ready, when he feels like it......... and THAT'S what I want for myself so I can't expect different from someone else. So yeah...I get where you're coming from. New guys can be soooo confusing.

It's very likely this new guy of yours is just wanting to "date" and get to know someone. That's what we're doing. We don't see each other during the week. We're both super busy. We talk every day and make fun plans for one or both nights of the weekend. The eagerness to see each other is tremendous because we're not "wearing out our welcome". I truly haven't felt pressured or smothered by him yet, even once. And that's a wonderful wonderful thing. But like I said, I have to coach myself constantly about it because in the past, even though it got on my nerves, that overzealous attention from previous bf's somehow subconsciouly made me feel "good", "worthy" etc. Because I don't get that smothering, "o I'm so crazy about you" from this guy, I have to remind myself constantly that it doesn't mean he's not into me.

So, he could just be really making an effort to take things slow. But if he truly is just a passive guy that is waiting on someone else to make the move........then highly consider backing off tremendously. By this, I mean don't EVER let a passive guy think you're going to just take the reigns, initiate the contact, make the plans, etc........because if you do, he'll fit right into his comfy place and you'll never get anything different than that. I speak from experience. LOL!

So really....either way, like I said.......sit back, relax, respond, it's okay to initiate contact some but if you find yourself doing it most all the time then back off, let him ask YOU to do things, show him youre interested, and whatever you do, if you feel like you're pushing AT ALL, stop and remind yourself "I do NOT have to work so hard for this" ..... and last but not least fight the insecurity urges when it comes in your mind "why hasn't he contacted me" or when something similar comes into your mind. Tell yoursef, "I am exactly where I need to be, right this moment" and just let the rest fall into place.

It's not easy......but it's truly mind over matter.

**kygirl** · 11-17-2010 11:15 AM

I agree 100%. I think I am just SO used to guys being like, I want to see you, I want to talk to you, when are you free, blah blah. It does get on your nerves after a while

BUT I do think it also reassures you that someone is interested. He's initiated some contact and I've left other things very open-ended so I might suggest a day and make him figure out what we're going to do/where we're going to go.

I am attempting to be more go with the flow, but it is just not what I'm used to with the type of guys I normally date. That by no means makes him a bad person for me, it's just what I've grown accustomed to. On the other hand, I do realize I am being kind of silly. I mean, he doesn't ignore me, he does talk to me at school, he has invited me to do things with two people now that I know are important to him from conversations. I just don't think he'd do that if he weren't interested. He could easily tell me he's busy or try to blow me off.

I just need to be patient (per Pretzel) lol and just go with my gut I guess. If I start to feel like he's trying to blow me off or doesn't want to make any decisions ever, then I have to re-evaluate and move on. I think it's the wall a bit still (which is why it's good that we're moving slow) I think part of me still has that fight or flight mentality (mostly flight) after the last fun breakup. I think deep down if he's not interested, I want to be the one who calls it quit and who is in control and I have to stop that. I feel like I've been saying the serenity prayer a lot lately!

I will definitely try to chill out a bit and not jump to conclusions and just do what feels natural. Then, I guess it'll work out or it won't.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-17-2010 11:30 AM

Yes mam. Patience, patience, patience. It's NOT easy.

But it's not because we're "impatient" people......the impatience results from the insecurities.

Let yourself enjoy this........without all the work.

**rcoreyus** · 11-17-2010 12:19 PM

There is a difference between being shy in response to you, or acting negatively. If he is just shy, then it will get better, and he is probably very happy for you to be more aggressive. A lot o f shy men can be very nice - as long as you avoid making him feel bad for trying to be more open, he will probably open up pretty quickly.