Thread: Any thoughts would be more than welcome...

This is a long story...I really appreciate anyone who reads the whole thing and has any thoughts they'd like to share.

I don't really know where to start...but i guess I'll start by saying that I am a boy, err...man. I'm 27 and currently in medical school, and I'm a student who, for reasons that will probably be pretty clear further below on this page, isn't doing as well as he should academically. But this isn't about school.

I grew up in a "typical" Indian Muslim family in the US, born of immigrant parents (who had an arranged marriage). Although my family was never overly religious, I was raised with the strict rules of not "dating" etc. What this meant was that I had to supress whatever sexuality I had in the ways that all boys do, but only for longer. Growing up, I was kinda shy and maybe even slightly socially awkward/inept. I had friends, and making friends has never been a problem. In fact, I probably have too many friends, and I can make close friends very easily.

However, I never talked to girls. In fact, now that I think back on it, I never even had the interest to talk to girls. Not even pretty ones. This was due mainly to shyness, but I also knew that since nothing would come of it, why bother. I was adamant that I would have a marriage arranged by my parents and future in laws, and that I'd live happily ever after...

Now most of my friends were raised with the same strict rules I was, some of them even more strict. However, what I didn't know was that most of them, by late high school at least, were talking to girls even if their parents would have killed them for it. I did not do these things for the 2 reasons mentioned above.

It wasn't until I was 23 that I realized/decided that having an arranged marriage was not necessary, and that maybe my parents would not really care if I "found my own wife".

However that seems like an next-to-impossible task, to me at least.

Its not that I don't see any attractive girls, I've seen a few. But twice now, I've been rejected flat out when I approached them. My buddies think its because my approach is flawed, or my timing bad, or I don't get silent cues. Regardless, they said "no" and thats what counts at the end of the day.

I would say, I'm an average looking guy - of course when I roll out of bed I'm not even that, but I'd like to think I'm not hideous. And this is where things get a little bit complicated.

For some reason, and I don't know why, but ever since I was a kid (and until rather recently) I had always assumed that I'd get married to a beautiful woman and that would be that. It wasn't until maybe 2-3 years ago that I started to realize that stuff like that doesn't just happen on its own (or does it???) and that I might have to compromise on something.

Perhaps this is where my fundamental flaw lies: my inability to accept compromise. I do not have Brad Pitt looks, nor do I have Bill Gates money.

But at the same time, I see plenty of average Joes hook up with amazing-looking women. True I have no idea about these women's personalities or their intelligence or other important things. But at the same time they can't be retards either.

Contrary to the above, is the fact that of my buddies, not one of them has a wife/BF/SO who is a "perfect 10". So why should I expect to be any different?

So these are the two fundamentally conflicting assessments I have about life in general, and my life in particular.

Am I missing something important?

Now all of this has affected the way I think and feel. Right now, I wonder if I'll ever find someone who I would appreciate and vice versa. It doesn't help that I was just shot down by a chick who got gamed by some other guy right under my nose. That hurt my ego quite a bit and I think I'm just now starting to get over it.

One of the things is, I tend to act a bit obnoxious and immature (hence the screen name) around girls I like. There's only been one girl who I didn't act this way around, but she shot me down too. The reason I do this is out of some sort of defense mechanism of "if she's gonna reject me, I might as well as well act like a ". But its completely self-defeating, yet I haven't been able to stop myself.

One of my female friends, who I'm fairly close with, but who hasn't known me for very long, recently commented that I act well "below my age". The comment itself didn't bother me, because she wasn't being mean, and she was in fact, correct. But it got me thinking, if she can get that read, that means everyone else can get that read as well.

But the problem is, is that thats my personality...my style of humor. I like who I am, and I don't wanna change just for some girl. But at the same time, what if no one wants to be the wife of the "class clown"?

There have been a few girls who have shown clear interest in me, but I was not attracted to them either physically or personality-wise. Personally, I just don't understand how people "fall in love" or how mutual attraction works. It seems as though I am a square destined to try to fit into nothing by triangle-shaped hole.

Am I doomed to lead a solitary life in that case?