What's the big deal...it's only money??

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-28-2010 11:48 AM

Hello All !

I am crazy about a woman and her family. I am self employed and I work hard, just like a lot of you do. I enjoy doing things for others. Often times those things cost money. Frequently, doing things that cost money involve her or a member(s) her family. I am HAPPY to pay for them.

Once in a purple striped moon, the woman I am crazy about will ask me to pay for something for her or them. I am HAPPY to do that too. MOST of the time however, she'd rather go without or have her children go without then ask me.

WTF?

Will somebody please try and explain to me why that is? I don't understand.

What is the hang up about spending/using money I earn to provide for members of her family or members of mine? Isn't that why I work so hard?

We aren't married (yet) and we don't live together. We have four children in college and two more on the way.

Yes, they have a father. Nice guy, doesn't make much money.

I entered this with my eyes wide open. I have fallen for a women with four children and I have two of my own. Marsha? Greg? I'm in the kitchen....can you say Brady Bunch?

We have NEVER fought about money. I have NEVER made her feel bad about ANY of the money she/I/we spend. I have NEVER held money over her head or played any games related to finances.

I have even offered to put her on the checking account. She has refused.

It's only money! In the big picture, to me, it means little. HER LOVE means so much more. The love of her children means so much more. Can you tell? I am nuts about this woman and her family!

**WildChild** · 11-28-2010 12:02 PM

Allowing yourself to be dependent on a man whom you have no legal ties to, no matter how you feel about him, just feels wrong. While you might never do so, many of us have experienced or seen, someone use what they have given or spent on someone like a club to beat them with.

We certainly don't want our daughters and sons thinking that money should be a motivator to be in a relationship. It very generous of you to feel as you do, but that isn't the norm for what most of us have experienced. Go slowly with this. It's not an insult or anything, its probably that just she respects who she is and doesn't want any feeling that you are being used.

**Futureboy** · 11-28-2010 12:03 PM

She is trying to demonstrate she loves you for you, not what you can give her financially.

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-28-2010 12:23 PM

We've been together on and off, mostly on, for three years.

I am planning on asking her to marry me (see thread HOW BIG IS TOO BIG) and we have talked openly about money and marriage for a very long time.

She is gainfully employed, collects support from her ex for the children and does okay on her own. I have spent money on her and her kids from the get go. NEVER has it been overwhelming, at least not in my eyes, and never has she said Whoa! or anything close.

The last thing I want to do is offend her, frustrate her or anger her. I merely want to provide for her. In part, isn't that my role? I love her.

Each day, I try to make her life and the lives of our children a little bit better than the day before. Isn't that what LOVE is?

I know she loves me and she knows I love her with all of my heart.

The money just baffles me. And as I said/have said previously, I'm not trying to buy her love.....it can't be bought. I'm not trying to win her love...it can't be won.
I am trying to earn and keep her love by contributing to and enhancing our lives and the lives of our children a little bit each day.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-28-2010 02:32 PM

Hun,

When you are married, have a joint account, at that point you can share "your" money together and make decisions together....

She already knows you love her, and you've got a good heart, purely and simply she is not a user and therefore, won't ask...

That's a good thing accept it...

As, I said, when you are married, make the account joint and therefore, it will be what's mine is yours what's yours is mine, your boyfriend and girlfriend, it's the way us women think... trust me I know

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-28-2010 04:02 PM

What about offering her a financial security blanket? She frets/worries A LOT about money as often times the monthly income just barely meets the monthly bills, sometimes it doesn't even do that.

With all that she has going on, she has more than enough to worry about. So what would be wrong with me giving her a sum of money that she could put in an account of her own and save it for a rainy day, draw on it when she needs to make bills or something unexpected comes up (she does have three children at three different universities).

SELFISHLY, it would make me feel better knowing that at least one of her worries has been taken care of. While I try not to let it do so, when she worries, it effects me and US.

I'm a fixer....most men are. I can "fix" this very easily. I'd even have womething drawn up that was legally binding that said the money was hers....period! No strings, no interest, no re-pay EVER.

This is really bugging me.

**Colorado** · 11-28-2010 04:21 PM

Seeker, you are really blowing this out of proportion.
You are actually very lucky, as she is demonstrating that she wants you for YOU - and she is not a user/gold-digger. No-one wants to feel like a financial burden to someone else. She knows that you are there and more than willing to help, but until she has ties that bind, she has to be able to prove to herself that she can get by if needed. I'm sure she understands and very much appreciates, what you are offereing, and knows that should a dire circumstance ever arrise, you would be there, but she probably wants to be able to do the financial thing on her own. Remember that she has no guarantees, that you will be there in the future (that I know of), so though relying on you now may make things easier, she may be thinking what happens if he decides to move on?

Re-read, then re-read again what CW has explained above, as she is right on the money (no pun intended).

Now saying that - I entirely understand where you are comming from, and I would do exactly the same! But you have to understand where she is coming from as well.

**JustHormonious** · 11-28-2010 04:31 PM

If you have openly discussed money over the years, what is she telling you?

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-28-2010 05:21 PM

That she appreciates ALL that I do have done for her and her children. That I have prevented her from getting into some financial binds. That without my help, her children wouldn't have some of the experiences they've had or joys that they've been able to share as a family.

She likes what my income enables us to do and what it provides, I just don't understand what the problem is with accepting it.

Obviously, I don't think she's a gold digger...that's almost beyond comment.

Why is it not okay for me to make her/my/our life easier now if I am ready/willing and able to do so?

I don't get it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-28-2010 05:30 PM

Okay, young man

So she likes what your income assists her with and that of her children and her family...

What has she said, or what did you offer that she has refused?

Maybe as I said, she views it the way most women do.... I am independent, I appreciate it, I love the little things you do, but I am independent oh, but, when I'm married, I guess we'll pull our monies together and it will be viewed as "ours" and so that's okay