I canâ€™t get over HIS ex-lover

**ladyshea23** · 12-09-2010 11:27 PM

Let me start with a little background information…: My boyfriend used to have a really bad habit of lying. Also, one of his exes confided in me that once he cheated on her (it was just one kiss, and he told her about it immediately, in tears and everything…but still!). Also, he is the KING at avoiding confrontation even if it’s for the worse, so sometimes he’ll lie or omit information just for this purpose. Furthermore, he’s a little…vacant? Ha, that sounds mean of me to say, but I’m not sure how else to word it. So keep this in mind while reading the story:

Before my boyfriend and I met (2 1/2 years ago), he was friends with benefits with this girl. While I don’t think she developed anything emotional feelings for him, I know that he became VERY infatuated (the word he used to describe it) with her. A few months later, she met a boy who she is currently married to so the whole FWB thing quickly ended and my boyfriend was suddenly faced with having to get over her. They stayed friends.

A few more months later, he met me and instantly we started dating. However, I and many of our mutual friends noticed that he didn’t seem to be over her: the way he looked at her, they flirted with each other constantly, everything—we all noticed there was something going on. So, not knowing about their history (at the time), I asked him if he ever had feelings for her…and he lied about it. Of course, I found out the truth. Since we had only been together a month, I broke up with him. However, after he promised to me that he’d never lie again (And after a little trial and error, he hasn’t!), and assured me that he was completely over her, we got back together about a month later.
Soon, after we got back together, my boyfriend temporarily moved away, but he and she remained in contact over phone and facebook. I was a little bothered and jealous by this and soon told him so. He decided to completely cut contact with her in order not to further irk me…but quite a bit of time passed and they began talking again (this is why I mentioned he’s a little vacant ha).

Furthermore, while I trust him, I certainly don’t trust her. Only a week after we broke up, she confided in me that lately her and her husband had been contemplating having my boyfriend (they considered others as well) in a threesome (I mean, that’s just not right…right?). Also, she is a very flirtatious person and seems to have no limits…she even cheated on her husband while he was away (not just sexual; like an emotional affair). I’m not sure if he would cheat on me with her, but I can see him getting entranced by her (then again, that could just be the Crazy talking)…and who knows what will happen…

My boyfriend has moved back recently and they’ve been talking about hanging out for the first time since he moved away. And I don’t know how to feel about it…Will they be just as flirtatious as before? I’m really scared for more pain and jealousy and I don’t know what to do…mostly I don’t know how I should act/how I will act when I’m around them. If they end up giving off flirty vibes, how will I know if I’m just making it up in my head or if they really are? What should I do?

The weird thing is, I only have an issue with her. My boyfriend is still friends with an ex (that he even almost married to, so it was more serious!) and her and I get along so well! She is a really good friend. Also, I can tell he has a totally harmless “crush” (you know those, right?) on one of our mutual friends, yet I could totally care less (he’s pretty open and honest about it so that might be part of it). What’s the deal?

And here’s the worse part: I know a lot of this information because I check her facebook every single day. I compare our pictures, how we act, our education, etc etc. And I know that if she had never been with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t consider her competition and I wouldn’t be so transfixed on her facebook. So, why can’t I stop??

I know this is a really long post, but any help will be greatly appreciated!! <3

**hppacific** · 12-10-2010 01:09 AM

ok if u feel like there's a red flag with her then you probably have something to worry about. women are blessed with womens intuition that lovely gut feeling we get that tells us somethings not right. NEVER IGNORE THAT. i did and low and behold i got cheated on... we worked through it but it was a similar situation a "friend" that was his ex wife's friend that took his side after the divorce. then they "hung out" one night at a hotel [my fiance travels a lot for work] and thats all i was told for a year and a half then he got naked pictures from her one night and the next morning i had a gut feeling went thru his phone and so i talked to her n found out what i had a gut feeling about all along. so if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, and looks like a duck....its probably a duck. i wouldnt be just worried about her i would be worried about your guy too. he obviously isnt making an effort to cut ties or make you feel comfortable in your relationship so just stay vigilant and talk to him about it. tell him not to LIE [something men are just WONDERFUL at] and be HONEST with you about the WHOLE situation and just see how "innocent" this "friendship" really is. good luck sweetie. no one deserves to feel the way u feel right now =[

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-10-2010 01:36 AM

My boyfriend used to have a really bad habit of lying. Also, one of his exes confided in me that once he cheated on her (it was just one kiss, and he told her about it immediately, in tears and everything…but still!)

Do you mean he used to or he does now? Because, your stating that his ex, confided that he was honest to her...

Sweet, firstly... Be yourself, be confident, don't be scared to have what you want out of life.

I say that because, all the ex's from the sounds of it are in contact with you with information... Your seeking validation, information, knowledge of past... And, then your checking present, facebook...

Yes, we certainly do and should follow our intuition... But, why would this woman tell you she was going to ask him for a threesome, when you were broken up? How did you obtain that information from her... Or did she volunteer it. If she volunteered it then she's telling you, that she can have him, if you played a game, then she assumed you wouldn't get back and don't care for him? Very weird.

Here's the thing I think.. He has a crush on a friend, remains friends with ex's, had a friend's with benefits, and liked her, is with you....

He's not committed... He likes relationships, in-fact wants them... But, he is enticed by the flirtation of other women and finds it hard..

So if you want to keep your man, you have to view he's flirtatious, must be not bad in bed if she wanted a threesome, is a tad in-secure himself, or very confident and they walk... You have to show him why you are it, the woman.. in all ways, without giving your all and getting nothing back, rather, be confident, secure, sexy so he would not want you to ever leave him... Then he'll focus purely on you, that is if you think he is worth it

As, for this girl, I suspect she's definately working her magic to get this underway, the threesome...

So fight back, by being the girlfriend he'd dream of, whilst being secure, not in-secure and you go out with friends, male friends, show him you are assertive, and can live your own life, with him in it.

CW

**ladyshea23** · 12-10-2010 01:06 PM

Thank you, thank you for the quick responses!

)

And sorry, let me clear things up a little bit:
-His ex volunteered the information that he had cheated on her once. We had been talking about how hard long-distance relationships can be (since at the time him and I were in one) and that he had cheated on her while he was away from home (they lived together) at a Job Corps. Hppacific, you did bring up a good point! He was notorious for a being a liar, but this was something he was honest about...Or just so guilty about he couldn't keep it a secret?
-His ex-lover also volunteered the information on the threesome. It had come up because she recently asked a female friend of mine as well, and apparently she thought it'd be no biggie if she let me know that she wanted my ex-boyfriend (at the time), too! Seriously, I'm not joking. I still wonder why the heck she thought it'd be awesome to let me know.

I actually never talk about her to anyone else and rarely go looking for information--the only information I do go looking for is just how her life is going currently. For example, I don't ask further questions about their past together. I know it's not really relevant...I already know all I need to know? Lol, does this make sense?

So, I guess the relevant issue now is what should I do? How should I talk to him about this? Because I do think he's worth staying with for many, many other reasons

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-10-2010 01:11 PM

I think some guys... A LOT OF GUYS, can't handle being the one getting broken up with or cut off. Its such a blow to their ego. They either villify the girl that did it, or consider her a saint that they just never could live up to her sunlight... and in those cases... no one else can either. Sad, really. The ones that treat them bad, stomp on them, cheat on them , leave them... are the ones they sit and pine over... not because the girl in and of herself was so special in many cases... but because they feel like they failed her somehow some way and internalize that.

As for him having crushes on other women? What gives? He's not a teenage boy anymore, having crushes on a celebrity isn't even all that mature, having crushes on a real life woman you have contact with ... is pushing it. Does he not feel ready to settle down? Does he want to see other people? Maybe he still thinks he has oats to sew and if thats the case you'd wanna know that sooner than later I'd think.

**ladyshea23** · 12-10-2010 02:12 PM

You guys have me thinking and I realized I forgot about a really important bit of information that I'm now realizing I should have taken more seriously....:

He once even gave her a different name in his phone book “because he knew how angry I get over her and didn’t want any more confrontation”. Of course, I found out, he apologized and promised to let me know what's going on. Granted, he's stayed true to his word, but still...

**ren_07** · 12-11-2010 08:00 PM

This makes me all kinds of angry because I think plenty of us have been in this same scenario before.

It doesn't feel right that you have to put up with this. He clearly wants to be in contact with this girl, if only because it gives him some kind of thrill to be communicating with her. Once a girl and a guy start hooking up, it's very difficult for them to become "just friends" again because, let's face it, you've seen each other naked. This girl seems to seek attention from guys. She jumped into a marriage she wasn't ready for for that reason and is having a fun time playing with your man's head because she thinks he still has a thing for her. And he's probably not giving her the best impression that she's far from the truth.

What I would suggest is that you pick up your confidence and start doing what you want to do with your guy friends, etc. Trust me, he'll notice. I think he's way too comfortable with your jealousy and doesn't feel as worried about you becoming too upset because it's nothing he can't talk himself out of. As soon as you broke it off with him, what happened? He came pleading back. Maybe it's time to let him feel what you're feeling so he voluntarily stops this nonsense with these women he has no business talking to (especially if she's openly admitted she wants a threesome...um hello?) because you're not getting any satisfaction out of telling him repeatedly to leave her be while he magically becomes "vacant" as you put it and starts talking to her again. He knows it upsets you and if he really valued that, he'd stop on his own accord. I promise you that.

Also, I think his lying problem isn't as "cleared up" as you think. And I don't think you believe that either. Here's why. If you did believe him to be a newly reformed honest man, you would stop all this "checking in on him" through Facebook, exes, friends, etc. and know for certain he's done being goofy. But you don't trust that. And then you actually end up finding information that you bring to his attention and THEN he confesses it and says it won't happen again. This does NOT count as honesty, no matter how you want to look at it. It's a clever way to make it seem like he's admitting his wrongs when in reality, he wouldn't have admitted jack if it hadn't been addressed to him. Just think about all this.

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