Should I be uncomfortable with this?

**verwirrung** · 12-15-2010 07:56 PM

To give some background on the situation, my boyfriend is a LARPer (live-action roleplaying game). For those who don't quite understand what this is, as I know it's not the most common of activities, it means he's sort of an improvisational actor in a fantasy (Lord of the Rings-ish) setting; perhaps the closest thing I can think of is one of the actors at a Renaissance Faire. I knew this when I started dating him, and I don't mind this at all.

However, lately, he is participating in plot where his "character" is "Soul-Bonded" to another person, another woman. Now, he tells me that this does not mean anything in a romantic sense, and that that makes it ok. He says he would never allow his character to be in plot where he needed to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else. But I'm still uncomfortable with it. It's a "soul-bond" after all. But I try to tell myself that it's also acting.

Given that this is acted, and that this acted relationship isn't romantic or sexual, should I be this uncomfortable with it? I keep telling myself I shouldn't be, for those very reasons, but I can't seem to help it. It hurts me more than a little, probably more than it should, to know that he is taking time out of everything in order to play a character who is in a relationship that is, by its very nature, arguably the deepest connection any person can have. I keep seeing him acting up his character's intense protectiveness of her, etc, and I get this awful feeling in me.

I love this man deeply. I don't want to upset him; but he doesn't seem to understand why this upsets me. Maybe it shouldn't... Is there anyone who can see where I'm coming from with this?

Any advice? I would greatly appreciate it.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-15-2010 08:01 PM

So is this a game or a job he's doing? Is he getting paid for it or something he's doing as a hobby? I don't know much about it....

I think anytime you love someone and have to see them having a connection with another woman (whether acting or not) it's going to bother you. The thing is if its his job, you have to see it as that. If it's a hobby....well.....I guess that's a bit different to me. Who writes these plays/plots? Who decides what will happen in them?

**verwirrung** · 12-15-2010 08:05 PM

It's a hobby, not a job.

It's an enormous group of people, and anyone in the group can write plot for it, and then the plot is submitted to various other people in the group, and they decided whether their characters will participate in it. In this case, the plot was started by the woman whose character his is soul-bonded to.

I feel rather silly about being uncomfortable with it... But I still am.

**WildChild** · 12-15-2010 08:05 PM

He doesn't seem to mind upsetting you. Why are you worried about upsetting him? What will happen if you do? Why are his feelings more important than yours?

**verwirrung** · 12-15-2010 08:11 PM

The problem is that he doesn't understand why I'm upset. In his view, I shouldn't be upset about it at all, because 1) it's acting, and 2) it's not a romantic or sexual relationship. So he's upset that I'm upset about it. I'm trying to think of a way to be reasonable out it. This LARPing thing is a huge part of his life, and I could never ask him to stop it, I just wish he would at least stop this one plot.

He's also upset because he feels like that, because I am upset about this, it means I don't trust him. I do trust him. I just don't like this thing. And although I also trust that he would stop if the plot went any further, i.e, if it needed to become a romantic acted relationship; it's clear that his "line" is not drawn where my "line" is, and this bothers me. It bothers me that he's not the least bit uncomfortable acting this situation out.

I just wish I could communicate this to him without sounding, in his view, like I'm paranoid, or distrusting, or just generally (EDIT)

**WildChild** · 12-15-2010 09:15 PM

Sounds like he may not be ready for a real relationship if he is so involved in a fantasy life.
How long are you willing to wait for him to grow up?
What if he never out grows it?
You are right that it is his life and his choice, the question is what you going to do with your life and your choices?
How long have the two of you been together?
How much time do you spend together? (I mean really together, not you sitting around while he fantasizes)

Have you ever thought about acting in a play? There are local theater groups in most towns, why not check it out? That will get you out and meeting some new people and you can do some acting of your own. How do you suppose he would feel about you being in close contact with other actors?

**crissylynn** · 12-15-2010 09:42 PM

This would possibly be something that would upset me as well but in a different way. One of my exes was a LARPer as well and I even played a few times even though I had no idea what I was doing. I assume the woman that he is "soul-bound" to is also a woman in real life? For me "soul-bound" could mean other things in the game, like you said it was nothing romantic or sexual, it could possibly be a blood relation, like maybe an older brother looking out for his sister. Unless in the game they specify what kind of relationship it is, you are free to visualize your own story. Do you know the woman that is playing along side your boyfriend? Unless you are uncomfortable with this woman in real life there is no reason to be afraid of her as a figment of your boyfriends imagination. Just my thoughts, keep your head up. Like people say boys with be boys, especially the ones that are LARPers!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-16-2010 02:44 AM

IDK...

An Actor is an actor regardless of whether it's a profession or a hobby... It's a passion, they play various roles and if they think they can play that role, and it is given to them, they are going to do their best to be the best at it..

It means he also has passion in life, does he show that to you? Is he passionate?

The only "flag" is that she created the scenario, so did she choose him to play the soul partner? Or was that a who ever wins....

If you were to ask yourself what you don't like the most is it that he likes acting and perhaps wanted to be one, it's sooo hard to get into that Industry and succeed, I don't think it's a fantasy rather a dream... Or is it, that this woman created the scenario and he is the leading man.

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-16-2010 06:25 AM

I think if it were a job and he were spending an enormous amount of time on it "soul bonding" with this other female, I'd be a little more accepting of it than if it were a "game", something in addition to his regular full time job, that he was spending an enormous amount of time "soul bonding" with this other female. That's where the difference is, in my opinion. I think I would be more concerned with the amount of time spent on this game than who he's playing it with. Especially if he's never given you any reason not to trust him. I understand where you're coming from..... and it's hard to sit back and tell yourself "Oh it's just a game, it's just fantasy, it's not real", if your bf is putting so much into it that it might as well be real. I get where you're coming from on it. Tough situation.......but I don't think you're going to be able to dictate what he does and what he doesn't do in regards to this because he is ALWAYS going to be able to say "its just a game".

**verwirrung** · 12-29-2010 09:08 PM

Yeah, the whole situation is just so frustrating.

To answer some questions above, I don't know the woman, but it's not necessarily her that I'm uncomfortable with. I have absolutely no reason to think that there's anything between her and my boyfriend in real life. I don't feel threatened by her.

Also, I am currently involved in a different LARP, so I have at least some experience directly with the types of situations that arise.

What bothers me most is that he isn't the least bit uncomfortable with this roleplay. To be honest, if he would just say something like, "Yeah, I love LARPing, but I feel weird trying to play having such a deep bond with someone else." Even if he were to continue despite that, if he would just at least feel a twinge of discomfort, given that he has to act out the strongest bond two people can share, I would be more comfortable. But he has absolutely no problem with it; I don't understand this. I know it's just a game, but I know if our situations were reversed, I would have asked to be excused from this plot. I feel strange knowing that he feels comfortable playing someone else's Soul Mate, and that apparently he would be comfortable with me doing the same.

I feel so bad being uncomfortable with it, but I can't help it. He seems to feel like it means I don't trust him, but I do. As I said, I don't feel threatened by the woman, and I trust him completely. There's a great difference in my mind between trust and being comfortable with something. I relish the few moments when he acts protective of me; watching him being constantly protective of another woman just feels so strange.