Thread: Wondering about my boyfriend's female friend...looking for mature adivce

So this post is probably going to sound a whole lot like all the other posts about paranioa, jealousy, and fear of other women. Maybe it is. But I've got to find some sincere advice becuase I am sick and tired of feeling like this.

I've been with my boyfriend for around a year and a half, not that long really. We've both lead average dating lives, had significant others, had many friends of the opposite sex without dating them. I am a strong woman with a good self-esteem, and before this guy have never been worried about infidelity. That may not even be the right word, because I don't think he's cheating on me.

I'm going to try and keep this short. He has an old female friend, no sexual history between them. Their mutual friend was killed in a car crash three years ago, brought them closer. I've been through the same thing, totally understand this. She is also like 4 or 5 years younger then him (he's 25 and I'm 24 almost 25) and it wouldn't have been an appropriote relationship anyway had they done anything. He has morals and is not a shady guy.

Early on in our relationship, he lied to me about speaking with her and seeing her. He has had a problem with lying about mundane things since childhood, as his mother is not a very good person and shattered him in many ways. He would get whipped for telling the truth when he made a mistake as a child, and I understand this trouble he still carries around. Everyone has childhood traumas to get over. But MY childhood trauma is being lied to about stupid things...go figure! And in my past TWO serious long-term relationships, my boyfriends have lied to me over mundane things like wanting to hang out with the guys instead of me, or not having enough money to pay the rent and not telling me. Simple examples.

I am a straightforward person and I say how I feel. But these men never had any reason to lie to me and I only reacted badly AFTER knowing I was lied to, NOT about what they had lied about. Know what I mean? Same goes for current situation. I don't CARE that he has a close female friend, I have many close guy friends. But he assumed I would be jealous and paraniod about her so he lied to me about it.

Long story short, I found out through seeing texts and facebook . So stupid. I freaked, because I am so anxious about being lied to. I try to stay calm, to tell him CALMLY that I would never try to stop him from seeing a good friend, to just be truthful with me. Every single correspondance between the two of them has never been suggestive, just friendly. Fine. The girl can't even go out and buy herself a beer yet. I am in no way theatened by her you know? If he DID have romantic feelings about her, then he's too ed immature for me anyway.

He did at one time, when they were teenagers, have feelings for her. He swears he doesn't now. He promised me after me finding out the intital lies (perhaps 6 or 7 months ago) that the next time he saw her or talked with her I would be the first to know. Well he saw her in passing maybe two weeks ago. We had an unrelated spat about something little that night, and he claims that because of that he forgot to tell me, and it was so insignificant (waved to her while driving his car past) that he totally forgot about it. Ok. I can buy that. I saw her public facebook psot to him saying it was good to ahve seen him, that's how I found out about it. Wasn't even prying at all. He apologized again, saying AGAIN that I would know when they spoke.

Then, a week or so later, I saw a facebook message private from her to him. Saying that she couldn't attend the memorial for this mutual friend of theirs that he organizes every year because it would make her too upset. That maybe they could visit her grave together instead. Totally NOT suggestive in any way. He didn't tell me he read it, but I knew he had because facebook said it had been opened. He still stands strongly by his word saying he hadn't yet seen it, which is just bs, sorry I am not stupid. I've had a stupid facebook since I was a freshman in college, I know how they look and work. He won't budge and niether will I. There was a fight, I cried a lot, and now my paranioa and suspicion is sky high even though I honestly do NOT think anything is going on between them. I simply cannot STAND being lied to.

He has offered me to keep his cell phone for a week to see who all texts and calls him. He has given me email and facebook passwords. I refuse all of this. For one, I will not date a man if I feel I must carry around his cell phone. And for two, that's not fair to him. And for three, if he really was doing shady things, he wouldn't offer me these things.

He is a devoted boyfriend. We live together. He comes home after work. You know what I mean? I don't think he's seeing another woman. But I am so so so paraniod and suspicious that its driving me crazy and making me out to be a bad person when I am NOT that type of chick.

My mom is a therapist. She says he has internal struggles that don't have a thing to do with me, about lying. I believe she is correct. But I want some outside input. I could see how others would think he was seeing this girl or still has feelings for her. I mean even myself, I think why in the world would he keep hiding her messages and lying about her to me or jsut simply withholding information hes promised to give me if he doesn't have feelings for her somewhere? It doesn't hold up, and then other times it does. And I'm sick and tired of it. He knows I am. Every time he's late getting out of work, or takes an hour to reply to my text, I fight back an urge to think hes seeing her or lying to me about something.

How would you think? Am I overreacting? I mean, I've been done wrong. I've never lied to him about anything, seriously. If I have something I feel I should lie about, I re-examine a relationship and make a choice. I don't lie about it.

I am willing to work with him, and to work with myself and my trust issues, on this. AS LONG as I can be 100% that I really don't have infidelity to worry about. But I always come to the question, How can I be completely sure? His word has lost a lot for me now. He swears in tears now that I will know the second she calls him. That we will all hang out together. She is in town for break from school right now, and this is why I've been on edge all week about it. I feel stupid about obsessing over a silly little girl I barely know. But I love him dearly, he is the first guy I've thought about marrying and we love eachother a lot. That is why I let it take hold of me. I don't know if I should step back and try to love him less and therefore NOT be so paraniod or caring, or if I should keep letting my emotions for him go forward....we've talked about it till we are both blue in the face. I've called a good couples counselor but am trying to figure out my insurance issues...