Not sure what to think. (Trust and Cheating)

**orchiddreams** · 12-28-2010 06:56 PM

So my boyfriend of 5 years and I had a Christmas party not too long ago. A week or so later I was on his computer trying to upload photos of that evening to my friends. While looking through the photo program I found two photos that shocked me. One of which was a girl who was topless taking a photo of herself in the mirror (dated about 6 months ago). The other was a graphic booty photo that was meant to be sexually appealing (dated about a year ago). I'm not sure if they are the same girl. I searched to find out when this was taken and just get some background info on my photo before I approached him.

The photo of the girl was emailed to himself. It was created during our relationship. The other was emailed to him by what seems like a girl. The name that it was emailed from sounded similar to a coworkers' name (which I have heard, but never met or seen). His coworkers are aware that we are in a relationship and it was not until recently where I met many of them at a wedding (she was not present). The company he works for hosts Christmas parties and he has never invited me or gone for that matter. It makes me wonder why.

So I approached him with photos and asked him to explain the photos and who they were and where they came from and why they were created when during our relationship. (computers are funny, they don't always carry the same info of the photo, instead they show the date it was either downloaded or uploaded. so I am not certain that they were taken during our relationship) As for the other photo, why would someone email a photo like that to a man they would know is in a relationship. There was nothing funny about it, it was meant to be sexually appealing.

Now when I asked him he said that they were old photos and that he has had a past too. As far as the dates go he recently sold his computer and had to dump all of the data so that is why the date is very recent. As far as the emailed photo from someone at work, it was meant to be a joke and being a man he receives stuff like that all the time.

I am very upset. I don't know what to think and what to believe. I asked him to show me other documents which he dumped from the old computer which showed the same date. He pretending like he was looking. He then responded with I am with you all the time when do I have time to cheat on you or see someone else.

I don't know what to believe. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but I am not feeling comfortable at this point knowing and cant stop comparing myself with these other women. I feel like I am not turning him on and that I am just the girl who gets to be introduced to family and spend time with them, but behind closed doors and at strange hours his head may be elsewhere.

I need help. We have talked about wedding plans for a long time and I recently told my father about our marriage steps. I feel like chopped liver. I am not unattractive either, but I feel like I'm not like the steretypical promiscuous girl that men love to look at.

ugh. I havent slept for days even though I forgave him because his reasoning was plausible and I don't want the relationship to end. But now, what?

sorry so long.

**rcoreyus** · 12-29-2010 09:18 AM

Its possible the photos are old but there is no easy way to tell. You don't want to go through life checking up on him, a lack of trust in a relationship destroys most of its value. A naked photo doesn't mean he was sleeping with her - though he might have been.

Can you live with someone who occasionally exchanges nude photos with other women? Do you have any other reason to think he might be cheating?

I'm sorry there are no easy answers, and I don't think there is any way to get them. Trying to "spy" on him is self defeating - you can never know that nothing is going on, only that you haven't found anything yet.

In the end, I'd ask if you are happy with him and love him.

**WildChild** · 12-29-2010 09:31 AM

If you don't or can't trust him, regardless of the reasons or validity of them - leave. A relationship without trust is miserable for both.

**SweetP** · 12-29-2010 10:03 AM

i agree with Wildchild. A relationship without trust is a road to disaster. Follow your gut, follow your instincts. Do you feel like he is capable of cheating on you? Some women are miserable and single and just looking to stir up problems in others relationships. Maybe theres a girl with a crush on him and sent him that pic. If you trust him & know that he loves you then you shouldnt have anything to worry about.
My advice is to follow your gut, your womens intuition, we all have it

Good luck

**orchiddreams** · 12-29-2010 03:59 PM

Can you live with someone who occasionally exchanges nude photos with other women? Absolutely not. I don't mind him looking at porn or something impersonal. I understand men have the need to get off with out the pressure. I could handle that.

I love him dearly, but after this I feel disgusted. I wish he would come clean if it was just something he enjoys masturbating. I can handle that as well.

I do know that he has been putting a little bit more effort in trying to break out of our routine. I think he thinks I need a change and that my "spying" may have been out of boredom, or maybe I need to get my mind off of it so he thinks we need to be busy doing other things.

He hasn't tried being intimate since I confronted him. It hasn't even been a week. So I get that, but if nothing happened why change things?

He hasn't complimented me or made me feel like I am the one he wants and thinks about. It's all very weird for me because I have never had another woman in the picture (if there even is one or if I have created her).

This is all new to me. How does one start trusting someone again?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-29-2010 04:24 PM

As far as the emailed photo from someone at work, it was meant to be a joke and being a man he receives stuff like that all the time.

A graphic "booty call" photo of a co-worker, even if it was a year ago, is not "a joke", men do not receive stuff like that all the time , unless those two people feel totally comfortable with each other and usually that involves "mutual attraction" with or without cheating......in my opinion....

It's still cheating, with your heart.....

Five years is a long time...Batchelors have difficulty at times keeping themselves to their partner...Men who back off, let you cool, have nothing to say, no hugs, in my opinion have something to hide...If you were mine and I was a man

And, I did nothing wrong, I'd be constantly trying to prove it to you...not ignore you....

CW

**WildChild** · 12-29-2010 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by orchiddreams

I understand men have the need to get off with out the pressure.

No more so than women do.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-29-2010 06:25 PM

That "icky" feeling you feel inside is your gut instincts telling you that this IS wrong. Some couples agree to an open relationship. When both people agree, that is one thing. When someone behaves in a way behind your back they wouldn't behave if you were there, then something is wrong. My ex used to get booty shots on his cell phone but they were like porn pics that one of his guy friends would forward to the guys on his contact list. Immature? Umm yeah. But I didn't mind it. HOWEVER, if I had seen a pic that someone personally took of themselves and sent to him I would've been livid.

If he got his computer dumped, why are the pics even still on there? If they were old, looks like they'd have bit the dust when the computer work was done.

He knows you're upset about this. It has caused a question of trust for you. And after 5 years of relationship, that should mean alot to him and IMO he should be reassuring you and trying to make things better. Ultimately, you can't prove when the pics were sent, obviously, so its' going to come down to, are you going to be able to move past this with him without it eating you up inside and causing major trust issues?

**orchiddreams** · 12-29-2010 06:56 PM

If you were mine and I was a man And, I did nothing wrong, I'd be constantly trying to prove it to you...not ignore you....

This is all really good food for thought.

His parents had a great marriage so I know he knows better and has similar ideals when it comes to marriage. While an open marriage might work for others, for us it was never even a question it was understood that our marriage would be an exclusive marriage.

To top it all off I have been going through so many emotional changes within myself as a result of this. His entire family has noticed. I will have to feel this out for a bit and then make a decision as to how I truly feel within myself.

**rcoreyus** · 12-29-2010 11:06 PM

He may not have tried to be intimate because he can tell that you are upset. It is possible that nothing happened and that this is spiralling out of control from nothing. It is also possible that he has been cheating on you. While you might someday catch him cheating, you can never KNOW that he isn't.

So - ask yourself if you can trust him again. If the answer is no, it doesn't matter if he did or didn't do anything, you won't be happy together.

As I see it, if you decide not to trust him, the relationship is over. If you do trust him and he was innocent, then great, you are still with the man you love. If you do trust him and it turns out he was cheating - has that really done harm to you?