struggling

**morgie1985** · 01-01-2011 09:13 PM

Hey,
i am new here and am really struggling with my relationship. We have been dating for 3 months now and it just seems like i am struggling with this. We started out moving really fast and jumped into things quickly, then decided to slow it down and just be friends and date, but that doesn't happen we can't just do that. It seems right now we are more just friends with benifets then anything, which i am ok with. But its hard because i have feelings for him, and he makes comments about why we are not dating, I don't think he is trying to hurt my by saying them but like he will say he likes me but is worried that with me being in school and finishing school in May that I will just leave. To me it just seems like he is scared of commitment, but i am not sure how to get past that and not be sure he is just keeping me around until he finds something better.

**Colorado** · 01-02-2011 12:48 AM

Hi Morgie, Welcome to the forum!

Firstly you should decide what YOU want out of a relationship... You say you are fine with friends with benefits, but is that really what you want (long term)? I would think not.
Secondly, if this is not what you want, and you desire something with more of a commitment, then do so.
It certainly sounds to me like he (as you stated) is either scared of commitment, or more so, happy with what he currently has (not Mrs. right - just Mrs. right now) - all the benefits and no commitment. He probably feels like "why should I make any commitment?; I get everything I want now"...

Don't settle for this Morgie, find someone who will treat you right, someone who is willing to invest part of themselves into a long term CARING/LOVING/TRUSTING relationship. You certainly deserve it don't you?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-02-2011 01:50 AM

We started out moving really fast and jumped into things quickly, then decided to slow it down and just be friends and date, but that doesn't happen we can't just do that.

You know, when young, we tend to do this...Get excited, trust and give in quickly....But, young boys often may think, did you do that before? Or, you didn't like me, the person, you wanted sex....None true, but it's an age thing in my opinon and based on my youth, so who knows, boys might have changed

I see his comment as an "excuse"...

Who instigated the "just friends and date?"...

Who is stopping the current dating?

I think that if you say him on both occasions, the above may have been what occured, in which case stop being friends with benefits.

If you stopped the budding relationship and dates, then he doesn't think your serious and doesn't want to get hurt.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-02-2011 08:59 AM

He is probably trying to affirm why you are not dating to keep you from getting your hopes up that it will happen. Its laying the groundwork for when you say... but I thought we were dating, or I thought this was going somewhere... he could absolve himself of guilt by saying ' i told you we weren't and I told you why'. If a guy says he doesn't want a relationship... it most likely means he doesn't want a relationship. A lot of women will put themselves on ice and let other good men pass them by with the belief system that said guy will change, that said guy is just 'scared of committment'. Committment isn't a disease one can catch that must be feared. They either want it or they don't.

It sounds like he likes you, likes your company, likes sex with you, but doesn't want to put all his eggs in your basket. At least he's not pretending to, for that you can give him credit. Some guys will pretend they are committed to hold on to someone while still persuing others... at least he is telling you, the door is open, see whats out there, I'm not committing to you.

You may like him and are into him, but if you feel your feelings developing and his devolving it might be time to take a step back, if the sex is making you more emotionally attached to him... it might be time to stop having it with him until he is a little more clear on where he wants things to go with you. Right now, he's getting all the perks of a relationship with none of the responsability (like being considerate of the other persons feelings) and he has no reason to even try to work out how he's feeling while you are just going along with whatever he wants taking as little or as much as he's willing to give.

You have a say in this too.. its not soley up to him on whether or not you guys are to be together or not... so think good and hard about if he's really what you want, or if its just the idea of him. and if its him that you really want, think about whether or not its the him you hope he'll become or the him he is right now... and if its the him he is right now, no dellusions of what you hope he'll be... then you just have to see if he's on the same page, and if he's not.. you are better off letting your feelings cool a bit and not intensify them until he can decide what direction he wants your relationship to go.

If you were happy with the state of things, that would be another story, but it doesn't sound like you are.

**morgie1985** · 01-02-2011 02:00 PM

I wouldn't say I am happy. I am happy spending time with him and when I am with him I am happy. Its more the other times that confuse me. I am straight out about how I feel about him and everything. That never has changed, i tell him how i feel and what is going on. Its just seems harder because we do have a friendship as well. He is one of my closest friends and we have friends in common as well. Its not like we have sex all the time either, i mean we could hang out for 3 days straight and only have sex once. So the sex isn't always the big deal. But we do act like when we are together like we are dating. We do kiss, we do cuddle, we do sleep in the same bed. And if he is telling me straight out that he doesn't want a relationship that is fine, but its the fact that he can do this with other people 2 is what is the hardest. Because how many people can you really have feelings for at the same time?

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-02-2011 02:50 PM

Originally Posted by morgie1985

Ihow many people can you really have feelings for at the same time?

Most people don't focus their feelings on more than one person, which is more monogomy and committment come in... people, however, that don't have those kind of feelings are able to be with lots of people because they haven't latched on emotionally to any specific person. Think about how you feel about this guy, if he were busy one night and some other guy were around, even a guy you think is cute, would you be able to kiss and hold him and cuddle him, have sex with him... while your heart was with the other guy? Probably not, it wouldn't feel right, not only on a moral level, but just wouldn't feel, exciting or good because they aren't the one you are feeling.

If someones on your mind, you are feeling them... nothing else can beat being with them. Men aren't aliens. They are the same way... when they are into someone, no cheap replacement will do...

So if he's doing the same things with you as he is with 2 other people, you might have to stop and question whether his feelings match yours and if they don't... you have decide if you could be happy falling for someone that isn't doing the same.

**morgie1985** · 01-03-2011 12:29 PM

I just don't know what to say to him. All i can do is just tell him how I feel and hope that things work out. He does act like he likes me and he is one of my closest friends as well..so its a complete complication at all times. I just don't want to be the one he is telling he just wants to be friends with and nothing else. Because we did move fast at the beggining and did jump into a relationship and then decided to just be friends and see how things go. He says he doesnt want a relationship, but how can i be sure he isn't telling other girls different things.

**rcoreyus** · 01-03-2011 05:55 PM

Not all people are compatible, and it doesn't need to be anyone's fault. Early in a relationship, if things just don't seem to be going well, I'm not sure there is any reason to work to continue it. Later of course you should try harder.

**morgie1985** · 01-04-2011 06:18 PM

It's not things aren't going well..we get along so well. There just seems to be no compromise. We hang out when he wants too. I mostly always go there, only because he does have an apartment and right now i am in school and living on campus because it is cheaper and easier for me at the moment. I don't mind going there and hanging out with him, but it alway seems when we hang out or how long we hang out for if it is just one night or 3 depends on him and what he wants.

**pretzel** · 01-05-2011 07:35 AM

From a slightly different perspective. You're graduating in 5 months. If you're like I was and many of the people I went to school with, this is the time when most companies are doing their job recruiting and most of us didn't really know where we would be living and working when graduation actually came. Is there a possibility that his lack of willingness to start an exclusive relationship have anything to do with the possibility that in 5 months the two of you could easily be living in different parts of the country?

Also, since you're living on campus and he's off, yes it probably does make thing easier for both of you. There's less restrictions and it should be a better time. Again, that is not unique to the college experience so if you're making an issue of the fact that you're going there most of the time, then I think you may be making a mountain out of a molehill.

Unfortunately, the biggest issue I see is the disparate feeling toward the relationship. I seem to be getting mixed signals where in one sentence you say how much he likes you and would like to date you but then say that he's also seeing 2 other young ladies. You've said to him that you want an exclusive relationship, but at the same time are both unhappy in the way it's going but happy when you're together.

Personally, I would just enjoy the relationship as it is right now. Once both of you know where each other will be in 6 months and if the distance between the two of you is manageable then I'd let him know once and for all that the FWB needs to be replaced with an exclusive relationship (assuming that he's the one you want to have it with). If it's not what he wants, then either accept the friendship going forward but leave the benefits out.