What's the problem with being a little bit "clingy"

***snowgirl*** · 01-04-2011 10:54 AM

Hi

I just wanted to see what people's opinions on this were. Personally I get what the description of a clingy person is and I think it varies a lot according to who you ask what the extent is .... To some people in a normal happy relationship being clingy (as some people would describe it) just seems to be the way they have a relationship in which they are in love. To me being in love and being clingy seem to be similar, aren't you supposed to miss the person you love when you aren't with them, enjoy finding out about their day and let memories of them give you a smile.

I might not agree with being in contact every minute of the day but I do know couples that are in contact all the time and are very happy, however some people seem to get sick of just talking once a day.

A question for those of you who say you are the opposite of clingy, if you tell your partner that you could go on without them or you could manage without talking to them ... don't you think this just tells them that you don't really love them? Having been on the receiving end of such comments it know it makes your heart sink.

I'm interested to here everyones thoughts

**Texinator** · 01-04-2011 11:52 AM

To me, it depends on the source of those thoughts and actions. Do they come from a place of love or of insecurity? Clinginess is typically the result of the latter... someone always in fear, always needing reassurance. "Hug me, touch me, kiss me, not because you love me but because I need to be reminded constantly that you still love me."

When you love someone, you miss them when they aren't around you, you want to know about their day, and so forth...

...but when you are clingy, you always need to know that they miss you when they aren't around you, you want to know what they are doing each and every minute, and so on.

**KMonte85** · 01-04-2011 11:54 AM

I'm one of those people who considers myself "anti-cling"

Do I love my fiance with all my heart? Absolutely.
Do I miss him when he or I are apart for longer than a day? Yes.
Would I tell my fiance that I could go on just fine without him? No way.

My fiance and I know that we don't have to talk multiple times a day, we can have days where we spend time doing things on our own, or with our own friends, which speak a lot towards our loyalty and trust in one another. Our comfort in one another and our faith in our relationship goes beyond needing to prove ourselves by being in constant contact.

Furthermore, if my fiance needed to speak with me 5432905 times a day, or be near me at all times, if I couldn't have a life outside of my relationship with him - that would show insecurity, mistrust, and unhealthy dependancy on his part, as far as I'm concerned. And a significant other who demands the same behaviors out of me would be sorely dissappointed, as I don't equate what I would consider 'superficial contact' with love. I think that being two independent people who share a special bond that unites them but doesn't completely encompass them, is even more sweet and intimate as two people who are so dependant on each other that they must be in constant contact all day, every day, to maintain an established relationship...

***snowgirl*** · 01-04-2011 12:12 PM

Some interesting comments

What would you consider too much though? I used to talk to my ex bf most nights of the week for a couple of hours on instant messaging (because he refused to use the phone) but tbh if it was on the phone we could have said the same things in a lot less time and got on with our own thing for the rest of the evening. I got called "a bit clingy" despite the fact I never asked for it to be like that it just happened that way. I see other couples that send messages to their SO when they haven't been online when they said ... however that I never did as I think it is too clingy (apart from when I was worried about him).

How often do you think someone should be told they are loved or missed? Is it too clingy to be told you are missed any less than 2 weeks apart?

**KMonte85** · 01-04-2011 12:20 PM

It really depends on the couple... like you said, there are some people in this world who want to tell each other how in love they are every 10 minutes, and some that can go for much longer. There really is no right or wrong here, just so long as you either find someone with the same "clingyness" as yourself, or are willing to compromise with your significant other who wants more or less contact than you do.

Personally, my fiance and I live together now - so we don't call/text during the day, but will see each other at night. During the time we lived away from each other (he and I were an hour apart), we usually talked once every other day or so over the phone for maybe 15-20 minutes and always said love you before ending the call. But he and I were fine with that... it is what suited us.

***snowgirl*** · 01-04-2011 01:13 PM

So if mild clingyness doesn't have all of the obsessive nature and reasons of being typically clingy, is it fair to label that person as clingy surely they are causing as much problem as someone that is extremely the opposite?

Does anyone have any opinions?

Also does anyone agree that you can't find out if a guy is the opposite of clingy until you've already fallen for them because while there is the thrill of the chase in the beginning of the relationship they seem like the overly interested one.

**Texinator** · 01-04-2011 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by *snowgirl*

Also does anyone agree that you can't find out if a guy is the opposite of clingy until you've already fallen for them because while there is the thrill of the chase in the beginning of the relationship they seem like the overly interested one.

Sometimes, but it really shouldn't be the case. Someone who acts one way at the beginning of the relationship in order to sell themselves to the other person but then, once the relationship is more solid and secure, starts acting another way because they're finally revealing their true nature, isn't doing anybody a favor. That's why people shouldn't act differently at the beginning of the relationship than they usually would. The whole point at the beginning is to see if you are compatible in the first place, not to force yourself to be compatible just for the sake of having a relationship.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-04-2011 01:34 PM

You've gotten some good responses. But I'd ask first, where is this coming from with you? I mean, what has gone on to spur on these thoughts for you? Have you been accused of being too clingy?

When you love someone you realize that they need space, and I'd venture to say that few secure confident individuals WANT to be smothered with constant affection, constant contact from their SO. The difference for me when I'm dating a man that's clingy and I'm dating a man that's opposite, is that both men might want to plan things with me, but Mr. Clingy will want to plan things with me daily, he will want to know what I'm doing at all times...not because he's controlling just because he has made me his life, he will want to touch me or hold on to me pretty much constantly when we're together, he will get sad if I have plans that don't include him, he will try to modify his schedule to include himself, he will feel rejected if I do not show him the amt of affection he desires (which is constant), he will not go any length of time without texting me to either tell me what he's doing or ask what I'm doing, and it will become such a security regimen for him that if I do not text him back he will be sad.

Mr. Non Clingy wants to be with you, wants to plan fun things with you, but does not revolve his life around you and doesn't want you to revolve yours around him. He wants to touch you, but doesn't need to touch you all the time, he doesn't have to kiss you the second he walks in the door, he doesn't have to hold your hand walking through the mall. He sees you as a confident beautiful woman who needs her space.

There is a fine line between Mr. Non Clingy and Mr. Not That Into You. We all want to be wanted and if you're with someone that doesn't make you feel wanted, then perhaps he's just not that into you. And if you find yourself being a Miss Clingy like I described above, then maybe you just need to find yourself a Mr. Clingy to match. For those of us that are non-clingy, it's not hard to tell the difference between someone who is an insecure cling on and someone who just genuinely likes you and enjoys being with you.

**Texinator** · 01-04-2011 01:49 PM

A love should be a part of your life, not be your whole life. Having your life revolve around just one thing or just one person is never healthy. There needs to be a balance - just like between work and play - also between friends, family, romance, and alone time.

I can't be around the same person 24/7 or talk to them all the time. It drives me crazy. I need a certain amount of alone time no matter who the other person is and no matter how much I love them. Trying to make it seem like I should be their whole reason for existing or vice versa, because they need to be a part of all my plans or at least be in contact nonstop for a constant sitrep, won't go over too well with me.

It might work for other people, but it doesn't for me. Having said that, there is a difference between not being clingy and being emotionally distance. Like clinginess, the latter comes from a source of insecurity, but rather than having to be reassured all the time that the other person loves you, you are afraid of letting the other person get too close and put you in a position of vulnerability.

So, again, the question is whether an action or a thought comes from love or from fear. The loving way is the right way.

***snowgirl*** · 01-04-2011 01:49 PM

This is coming from me thinking about my last relationship still. I can't help thinking perhaps this was the cause and if i'd known i'd have been more than willing to change myself. He had once said "you are a little bit clingy, but I don't mind" however he seemed to mind more later.

However I always thought it was just the way I act when I am in love with someone, and now I am doubting myself. Did I arrange my life to fit him in to it ... well I have my own interests and activities. Although an example would be coursework, I did it early in order that with our hectic schedules that I could see him that week ... he on the other hand left it till the last minute and we couldn't see each other. I didn't obsessively text or any of the other things unless I was worried about him for a good reason.

So I am trying to work out whether I am on the edge of too clingy and need to do something about it so it doesn't ruin my happiness again or if the problem lay with him ... which to some extent now seems likely.

However it is interesting to hear peoples opinions on the subject as they have been good responses so far

Tex from what you said it would seem I am only very slightly clingy but he was very emotionally distant .... the mix is not good