Feelings

**LoveCatherine** · 01-11-2011 08:10 AM

I'm feeling really insecure at the moment - everything is perfect with my boyfriend there's no reason for me to be feeling this way!

Any advice how to snap out of this feeling? and what makes us feel this way?
I have been hurt in the past in relationships - my current relationship of 18 months is amazing, everything I could want.

**WildChild** · 01-11-2011 08:34 AM

What would it take for you to feel secure?
Can you describe what that would feel like? What would a truly secure relationship have for you, that you don't have right now?
Would you be together all the time? Joined at the hip? Would he call you every 30 mins when you were separate? Would that get stiffling? Maybe a little ridiculous?
We form thought pathways based on what we learn in our life. We can change them. You might find Shad Helmstatter's book, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, helpful in understanding this.

Is this a kind of jealousy? Are you afraid he might leave you? Stop loving you? What is driving this?
You might try giving your insecurity a name and persona. Call it Suzie, for example. Share it with your lover. Make it a little inside joke. This acknowledges it, gets it on the table, but at same time starts to separate you from these feelings.
"Suzie has been poking her nose into my business again. She brings up the most ridiculous questions. Whenever she shows up I really need a hug to get over it."

Ever read Harry Potter? Think of it as bogart. What did they do to deal with a bogart? Face it, which is acknowledging it and give it what it deserves. Make it a bit ridiculous? Something you can chuckle about?

**JadedQueen** · 01-11-2011 08:40 PM

I know we hate when men say this but... I remember I would get more insecure (without any reason to be) around my menstrual cycal. If you are taking birth control pills and it's that time of the month... that could have an effect on your emotions?
Is this something recent or has it been going on for awhile?
Another thing you may want to consider is often times people go through depression (some mild, some extremely severe) during the winter months (it's the lack of the vitamin D that sunshine provides us with)

Have you had any major life changes recently? Like losing a job, problems with friends or family member? Extra stress from work/school/etc...Gaining/losing weight? There are so many things that can affect your mood/emotions.
If you sit back and look at your relationship and there is nothing that your SO is doing that is stirring up these feelings in you, it may be one of the things that I mentioned or something else along those lines.

When you wake up every morning you need to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful inside and out. Focus on positive things that make you feel good about yourself.

**LoveCatherine** · 01-12-2011 08:42 AM

Thank you for both replies.
Jadedqueen - you are right, think I'm stirring up feeling inside myself, I am on birth control and it is that time of the month, and as you say the winter months don't help!
I am at the moment feeling very needy towards my boyfriend - but resisting coming across that way too.
What would you say/class as coming across needy towards your partner? I don't want to annoy him.

**rcoreyus** · 01-12-2011 06:28 PM

As a guy, I'd suggest avoiding a few "needy" things (if you are doing them):

Don't ask for signs that he loves you, or thinks you are attractive. "do you really love me" or the infamous "am I attractive" sort of questions never do any good.

Try to make it clear that you WANT him, not NEED him. You can ask for help, appreciate anything he does for you, but try not to make it seem that you couldn't get by without him.

Unless he has done something to lose your trust, just trust him. You can never know if someone is doing something behind your back, but a relationship is so much better with trust that it isn't worth giving that up. If he is late home from work try to be worried that he is OK, not that he is doing something he shouldn't (as an example).

**JadedQueen** · 01-13-2011 04:26 AM

I agree with rcoreyus... ALSO.... if he says something that hurts your feelings... before you say something to him about it or get upset.. ask yourself... "Am I being sensitive and overreacting?" I know when I was on BC pills everymonth I was on an emotional rollercoaster and psycho sally was in charge of the controls. It wasn't just the insecurity stuff for me... I would also see commercials on TV and I'd get emotional from a stupid commercial.
I would also find myself "bi%^*ing" about something totally insignificant and I'd hear myself and think to myself... "WOW, I'm losing it"

How long have you been feeling insecure?
You're 18 months into this relationship.... I think you've been together long enough to sit him down and let him in on a little secret...
"Our hormones/bc pills/ etc... tend to cause temporary insanity at times, just continue to love and things will return to normal soon"
Seriously... talk to him and tell him that you are having insecure feelings and it's not from anything he's done/said etc... let him know that if you are displaying insecurities the best thing he can do is give you a huge hug and kiss.

**LoveCatherine** · 01-17-2011 03:53 AM

Thanks for great advice.
I do trust him and the insecurity doesn't really have much to do with him as such. I saw some pictures of his ex-girlfriend on one of his friends social site - and seeing her as made me feel not very confident in myself looks wise. She looks pretty, has fake boobs (which I knew she did) but from looking at the pictures she's looks very confident in herself from the point of she loves herself! The pictures of her were like posing pictures and she wears quite revealing clothes and I'm the complete opposite to that. I love get dressed you etc but it's made me feel I'm not good enough and not attractive enough for him!
I just don't want him to see her and think god she's gorgeous and my new girlfriend doesn't reach her standards.
His ex is now in a relationship with someone else, and I know my boyfriend hates her but it's I've got to get her out of my mind, and not to feel ugly/second best to her.

**stressed** · 01-17-2011 05:43 AM

He's been with you, and not his ex, for 18 months. Even if she's subjectively "attractive" he doesn't want her, he didn't stay for her looks, he's with you.

You say she looks confident... but does a really confident person with a boyfriend post "hot" pics online and operates her boobs? You don't operate your breasts when you're confident and happy with your body, you do it out of insecurity. She wants to "sell" the image of a confident, hot woman to heal her insecurities. She likes attention. That's not the kind of woman your boyfriend wants.

It's not all about looks, our looks are the result of our personalities. And don't believe in photos people post, Photoshop makes wonders these days and it's very easy to use. I know women who post "natural" photos which they have Photoshoped for hours first, to cover wrinkles, shades, spots etc.