My Gf and I are on verge of ending it. Help an idiot out.

**foxman09** · 01-16-2011 05:04 PM

So my gf and I have been together over two years. It's a VERY long distance relationship. I live in USA she's in the Philippines. I'm 22, she's 30. She's visited me for a month, I've been to stay with her for 4 months. So basically we have 5 months of solid being together. Anyway over our relationship we have had issues. Usually it's a cycle and usually it's on my end. I'll love her to death, then I'll start fading, and then it's just pretty blah. Typically, I just settle her down and say it's nothing but yesterday same thing "something wrong, what is it?" "Nothing" and you get the rest. I woke up and fed up and I she sent a bunch of txts basically saying EXACTLY how i must feel. How I don't care, how I'm now really desiring her anymore. It's true. She's beautiful, she's a working model. Alas I look at a picture and I don't feel desire. I talk to her and I don't desire her. I don't watch porn anymore and I don't have girls here i sleep with or I talk to. Any other girl is actually OFF LIMITS in my life. I told her I don't desire her but I think its a faze. I told her tho that im tired of cycles, im tired of hurting her, and we should just move on. Then when she's like breaking down and sobbing and then saying "goodbye forever, im blocking you from my yahoo, facebook, skype" the whole nine yards. Then I realize , I'll never see here agin. We are great together in person but when I was with her I actually had issues desiring her sometimes. I could go a week without sleeping with her and it killed her. I feel like I should want her and I feel like there is something wrong with me because she is literally up for anything, anytime, anwhere. Yet I'd rather just do my own thing. But we are amazing friends, we are amazing at communicating and we never get sick of eachother. But admittidly I just lose my desire in her. I dont have a crush on anyone. I won't lie a voluptous woman will catch my attention but I have developed this tactic of imagining her on fire to avoid checking someone out. I know if I go through with this its going to hurt. I even wrote a letter saying its over and when i hesitate just dump me. Well she cant do it. Shes basically making it my decision and now I cant do it. I love her but I dont desire her like I used to. I feel like there might be someone else out there, closer, i honestly if we broke up I'd be VERY HAPPY to be single for a year or longer. I hate imagining her with someone else. She even has kids that i love (she's supports them, this isn't after me for money because i got none, or a citizenship because she's half british) and I would hate to never see her family again. We have the great plans in the future and I'm terrified no other relationship will match what i have here. I'm afraid sure ill find a girl I desire but she won't do anything I like sexually, she might not understand that I'm not oging to be making a decent paycheck for a while, she won't be completley loyal, she won't be healthy, she'll expect me to pay for all her shopping expenses, won't stimulate me or help me mentally. I mean all of these are thigns my gf doesn't have an issue with. I look at a brazilian woman and think, wow she has a great butt, sure she might be nice to have sex with a few times, but i doubt she'd give me anytring my gf does. But god everything comes down to desire. If i dont want to have sex with my gf is crushes her andm akes me think I want somethign else. She isn't willining to wait around for me to be like ok i like u again. Ok thats enough venting, if anyone has any similar experiences tell me it's ok and to just break it off or NO DONT DO IT! STAY TOGETHER! Thanks

**foxman09** · 01-16-2011 05:05 PM

Holy thats long, sorry people. I bet you can get an idea of the issue in like 2 sentences lol

**jns** · 01-16-2011 06:26 PM

Originally Posted by foxman09

Alright I've been searching the internet for this and I can't find anybody with this issue. Currently I am involved in a relationship that has gone on 2 years and I love my girlfriend very much but a problem has finally come to a head and she is considering moving on from me. The problem is I plain don't desire vaginal sex. I like it and I tell her and believe it feels the best but I still only desire anal and sometimes blow jobs. I have always been "butt minded" and I can track it back to the time I was 3 years old and nineteen years later I'm no different. Just to give you more of an idea of how sex has been so far off my radar, when I lost my virginity to my previous gf we had been naked together for a whole week and she had given me oral twice. She knew my anal obsession but wasn't going to go there but it NEVER even occurred to me to ask if she wanted to have sex until she asked if I wanted to have sex. I said, "I guess I'll stick it in." How lame and screwed up is that? I have always masturbated to only any anal porn, I have never imagined vaginal sex while thinking about my girlfriend, I have never talked about wanting her vagina or anything. I HATE it and SHE HATES it too. I don't blame her, she always just thought I was into butts but in a sort of "more than usual" way but didn't know until last night that I just don't desire her vagina at all. She's really the only person I have ever had sex with and I even thought at one point maybe it's because I have just never focused on vaginas in masturbation and porn. Honestly I find the vagina to be gross and nothing really special. I know thats wrong in so many ways because I'm a guy and I LOVE WOMEN but I can't go through sex without touching her , doing doggy and looking at her , or asking if we can have anal. I also know that vaginas are much cleaner, much easier to have sex with, and they are MADE to have sex with. Every guy I know can talk for hours about licking vaginas, pounding them, dreaming about them, fingering them, etc. I can't relate, I never have. I can do all those things and I can make my girlfriend orgasm in every which way involving her vagina. She tells me I have no idea what I'm missing and that I'm a waste of talent. She wants to connect that way but we just can't and that kills her. I don't make her have anal sex every day or every week. I limit it to once or twice a month for health reasons and because I just want to try and be normal. But she's always asked why when I come home I don't initiate sex EVER. I just never knew how to tell her I'm not really into sex. Has anyone overcome an issue like this or know anybody with this issue? Is this permanent? What can I do? I've stopped watching porn for a few months but it makes my desire stronger. She thinks I don't want her I just want her . I don't like that she doesn't include her as being a part of her but I understand where she is coming from. She is an amazing woman and I just can't lose her. She is trying to work with me on this but says its something that will drive her nuts knowing every time we make love that I would rather be having anal. She told me to go find someone who prefers the same thing but I don't want anyone else :-(

Originally Posted by foxman09

So my gf and I have been together over two years. It's a VERY long distance relationship. I live in USA she's in the Philippines. I'm 22, she's 30. She's visited me for a month, I've been to stay with her for 4 months. So basically we have 5 months of solid being together. Anyway over our relationship we have had issues. Usually it's a cycle and usually it's on my end. I'll love her to death, then I'll start fading, and then it's just pretty blah. Typically, I just settle her down and say it's nothing but yesterday same thing "something wrong, what is it?" "Nothing" and you get the rest. I woke up and fed up and I she sent a bunch of txts basically saying EXACTLY how i must feel. How I don't care, how I'm now really desiring her anymore. It's true. She's beautiful, she's a working model. Alas I look at a picture and I don't feel desire. I talk to her and I don't desire her. I don't watch porn anymore and I don't have girls here i sleep with or I talk to. Any other girl is actually OFF LIMITS in my life. I told her I don't desire her but I think its a faze. I told her tho that im tired of cycles, im tired of hurting her, and we should just move on. Then when she's like breaking down and sobbing and then saying "goodbye forever, im blocking you from my yahoo, facebook, skype" the whole nine yards. Then I realize , I'll never see here agin. We are great together in person but when I was with her I actually had issues desiring her sometimes. I could go a week without sleeping with her and it killed her. I feel like I should want her and I feel like there is something wrong with me because she is literally up for anything, anytime, anwhere. Yet I'd rather just do my own thing. But we are amazing friends, we are amazing at communicating and we never get sick of eachother. But admittidly I just lose my desire in her. I dont have a crush on anyone. I won't lie a voluptous woman will catch my attention but I have developed this tactic of imagining her on fire to avoid checking someone out. I know if I go through with this its going to hurt. I even wrote a letter saying its over and when i hesitate just dump me. Well she cant do it. Shes basically making it my decision and now I cant do it. I love her but I dont desire her like I used to. I feel like there might be someone else out there, closer, i honestly if we broke up I'd be VERY HAPPY to be single for a year or longer. I hate imagining her with someone else. She even has kids that i love (she's supports them, this isn't after me for money because i got none, or a citizenship because she's half british) and I would hate to never see her family again. We have the great plans in the future and I'm terrified no other relationship will match what i have here. I'm afraid sure ill find a girl I desire but she won't do anything I like sexually, she might not understand that I'm not oging to be making a decent paycheck for a while, she won't be completley loyal, she won't be healthy, she'll expect me to pay for all her shopping expenses, won't stimulate me or help me mentally. I mean all of these are thigns my gf doesn't have an issue with. I look at a brazilian woman and think, wow she has a great butt, sure she might be nice to have sex with a few times, but i doubt she'd give me anytring my gf does. But god everything comes down to desire. If i dont want to have sex with my gf is crushes her andm akes me think I want somethign else. She isn't willining to wait around for me to be like ok i like u again. Ok thats enough venting, if anyone has any similar experiences tell me it's ok and to just break it off or NO DONT DO IT! STAY TOGETHER! Thanks

Your problem is still the one described in an earlier post. Your desire is for anal sex, but not vaginal sex. I feel sorry for the both of you, but especially her. I cannot see how this can work. You will get to resent each other if you stay together and may get violent or suicidal in the worst of cases. Filipinas have beautifully shaped butts just not the shape you are fixated on.

**stressed** · 01-17-2011 06:16 AM

Have you considered the possibility of you being homosexual?

Many of the sexual issues and behaviors you describe make me think so.

**rcoreyus** · 01-21-2011 09:06 AM

If you do not desire her physically, and either of you wants an active sex life, then I think you are better to break it off. Are there women you are sexually attracted to? "no" might mean you are gay, or might just mean you have very little interest in sex (some people do). Nothing wrong with either as long as you find a partner who is compatible.

Being in a relationship with someone who is not sexually compatible is misery for both of you.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-21-2011 06:57 PM

Without trying to sound mean here (not my intent for sure), what you're doing to this girl is emotional torture. She loves someone for who he is, but she is not loved for who she is. Your feelings of endearment towards her are based on what she can do for you, how easy she makes things for you, etc....not who she is. She is indeed at this point, without any doubt, deflated and suffering from some extremely low self esteem as a result of the emotional rollercoaster you're putting her on, and as a result of routinely being told she's not desired, or just doesn't do it for you.

Have you ever truly been in love? If so, imagine that women whom you love with all your heart, despite all her flaws.....now imagine her telling you that you just don't do it for her. It's devastating. Self esteem does a nose dive, and then she feels even more desperate to stay with you because she feels like no one else will be able to love her and desire her. She's probably racking her brain constantly trying to figure out what she can do to make you want her. She's probably on forums asking "how can I make my butt bigger?" "how can I make him want me?", desperately seeking answers. She's living her life constantly on eggshells, "wonder if he's going to love me today?" "wonder if he's going to desire me today?".

And then to top it off....you have fixated on anal sex, and she's supposed to want to do that for you even though it's something she doesn't want to do, while at the same time you're telling her you don't desire her.

This is torture for this woman. You are doing not only short term, but long term damage to another persons self esteem, heart, well being. If you're truly worried about hurting this woman....then end this, cut ALL ties and let her move on with her life and find someone who loves HER, appreciates her for who she is and makes her feel like the beautiful woman she is. End it....it may hurt her now, but not NEAR to the extent staying in this relationship will.