Single guy, need female advice...

**tehdude** · 01-18-2011 08:25 PM

Hello everyone, it feels a bit strange to join a forum dedicated to women but hey I need help...

To make things short, I'm a 21 year old man unable to find a girlfriend since highschool. What exactly do women look for in a man my age ? Where do all the single and lonely girls hang out ? Is it the school library, the cafes, the clubs ? Are my expectations too high ? In other words, am I the problem ?

Below I wrote a few paragraphs about myself:

-Physical appearance
I'm 6 ft. tall, 180 lbs, short black hair, I shave regularly, little to no acne. I brush my teeth twice a day and I have dentist check-ups every 6 months (bad breath is really not an issue). I'm not a muscular guy and this may or may not work against me in today's society. My favorite sport is soccer and I used to be in a soccer club before I entered university. Unfortunately soccer helps build your heart muscle not your biceps or triceps. Suffice to say I'm not the skinny type but I don't go to the gym because of time constraints (and laziness). In fact, I hate gyms, it feels as if I'm some sort of lab rat. I enjoy playing a sport for fun and I like competition.

-Communication skills
I was born in Russia and I immigrated to Canada with my parents at the age of 14. At first, I managed to make a few good friends (all Russian) and I had my first girlfriend (also Russian) at 17. That's when I had sexual intercourse for the first and last time...That's right, 4 years now without sex....Suffice to say the relationship only lasted 5 short months.

After that I started college in hope that I would meet new people...that didn't happen. 2 years later I entered university where again I have trouble. While people are nice and everything and I always try to make myself available, after the semester ends all contact with the female student crowd takes a halt. There's really no time for me to build a connection with anyone. Most courses don't require any sort of teamwork and by the end of the term there's like 3-4 people I get to know in the whole class. I look around me and people don't usually talk after class (except if they know each other). They just leave and get lost in their cellphones.

My friends have pretty much found a girlfriend (one of them is even engaged) and I must say that I became cold and distant. Relationships are a touchy subject for me that is why I don't go out with them that much anymore.

I should probably mention that I talk English with an accent. It might not always be obvious but it's still there and I can't really do anything about it. Dunno if that impacts the way others perceive me or not.

-Smarts
Let's just say that I don't have a lot of street smarts. I'm really bad at flirting and most of the time I can't figure out how to spark the interest of the opposite sex.
It's my last year of university and I used to work a part time job until 6 months ago. I quit because I wanted a break and now I regret doing so. At least then I had something to keep me busy after school.
I'm very determined when I want to and I don't lack confidence.

-Other random stuff about me
My free time is allocated to video games...lately my parents said I'm gaming too much. It's not something I'm proud of but it's pretty much the only thing that makes me forget about loneliness. It used to be so much easier to meet girls in high school where everyone would gather in the cafeteria during lunch break.
I had some female team mates for various university projects but all the girls I had a crush on were already in a relationship.
I have a car and all the money I need to enjoy a vacation anywhere. The question is, with whom ? I feel that the only thing missing in my life is a companion, a caring woman by my side...It pains me to see the people I know spending the holidays in a couple and going to the movies together while I just waste my youth thinking about the past.

So that's pretty much it...I'm in search of advice. What do women look for ? What goes on in the head of a 18-25 year old ?

**jns** · 01-18-2011 09:15 PM

A lot to work on. Have you learned how to joke in English and make jokes that others can get? When I was learning Thai, I was able to joke early on, even with a limited vocabulary and it helped a lot. Is your accent heavy or light? If it is heavy, think about taking accent reduction classes or get with a speaking group such as Toastmasters. In such you get to hear how others pronounce words and have to be able to make yourself understood while giving speeches.

Get with other sports, especially those you do as a group. Team sports like volleyball. Individual sports like a ski racing club. Or a skating club. When I was in my senior year of Polytechnic, I joined the ski racing club with only a year of skiing under my belt. As the races were individual, it didn't hurt the club if I was last and I was. But the racers were a great bunch to hang out with. They were great in learning how to act in a lot of situations.

Most girls will not go on a vacation with you just because you have a car and money. They will want to know you first and be comfortable with you.

Universities have a lot of clubs. Join some of them. Pick ones you could have an interest in and have a lot of girls in. If you have the option to take a lighter course load, so you can free up time for social activities, consider doing it so you can improve your social skills. After you get out of university, it will become harder to get into social activities unless you are somewhat extroverted.

Take up dance. Let me say it again, take up dance. If you learn how to dance so you are comfortable with it, you should be able to spend time going to dances with girls.

Let me describe dancing: you go to a club with a bunch of people. You buy drinks, pair off or go in a group and hit the dance floor. Some tire sooner, they go back and sit down. When you go back there may be only a few people at your table, a time to talk. When rested, you go back out, sometimes with someone you haven't danced with before. Then you come back and the situation repeats with other people at the table. A lot of times the guys will sooner or later stay at the table drinking. This leaves a situation where some of the women may want to go out again with a guy and you are available. Since you can dance, you go out. You are not necessarily trying to create a relationship, but having fun together will get noticed and things may happen.

**aj2sheds** · 01-19-2011 05:09 AM

For me at least, your Russian accent would be a huge plus; accents are great and my boyfriend's Ghanaian accent is partly why I find him so irresistible

Just me though . . . anyway, you should take note of JNS's suggestions as they're pretty good ones. I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) that you still speak Russian since you immigrated at 14 and have/had Russian friends and a Russian girlfriend. In that case, maybe you could checking out tutoring options if your university has Russian classes. You might get opportunities to meet girls (and cool people in general) that way. I would have loved a genuine Russian tutor when I took it, lol. I would also make the suggestion that even if you are lonely, don't act lonely (if that makes any sense), 'cause sometimes girls tend to translate that as desperate, and generally we shy away from desperate. Just relax and loosen up. And to be honest, the majority of girls appreciate when a guy strikes up a conversation; we understand that it takes a certain measure of guts to do that, and we respect it. So the response you get from just starting a conversation might not be as bad as you think

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-19-2011 11:03 AM

There is nothing wrong with you physically.

You seem intelligent.

Put the video games down (seriously....) and start allowing yourself to be the "3rd wheel". By this I mean, when your friends want you to do things with them and their significant others, by all means DO IT. I can't tell you how many people I have met and how much fun I have had being the 3rd wheel at times. I have gone out lots of times with large groups of couples, being the only single one in the group. It usually resulted in me getting more attention, and seeing some of the dynamics of some of the couples, I often felt thankful I was single and not in their situations. Put the games down and get out.

Try meeting people for the sake of meeting them....not for the sake of finding someone to be with. An intelligent independant woman looking for a stable happy relationship is not going to look for a man who is unhappy, not happy with himself and who he is. She will look for the man that is confident...flaws and all...that likes himself (obviously not to the point of being arrogant and overly cocky though).

You're overthinking it. Don't put so much thought into how you're going to meet someone, or how long you'll have to talk to them before the break, or whether or not they're texting on their cell phones. I remember using my cell as a "defense mechanism" when I was in college, because I felt awkward and shy and didn't want to look like a total loser, so I'd sometimes even ACT like I was using my phone when I wasn't just to divert attention.

That sounds sooo foolish now when I say it out loud, but at the time it was the way I got by. In other words, if there is a girl you're interested in talking to, strike up conversation with her whether or not she's texting or whatever.

Most universities have sports facilities where you can go work out in a gym setting, but also can play basketball, swim, tennis, racquet ball, etc. At the university I would, that place is crawling with people all the time. Consider joining a sports league of people who just want to get together and play some pickup games.

Join an organization. Whatever your specialty is in school, there will most likely be an organization for it. Join it. Maybe it won't be action packed with hot females (maybe it will), but you will network and make more friends.....some of which might have other friends who might happen to be single females. Get my drift?

You just gotta get out there...... stop sitting home playing video games.....shut the machine off and get out and about.

**caterpillar79** · 01-19-2011 12:28 PM

Nothing is wrong with you per say. But sure thing is....something is wrong with how you look at your solitude. You should try to embrace your solitude and try to be happy on your own first before getting on with another person. Right now, the common goal of men your age is the quest for a girlfriend, and then, when they find one, they don't last long. You know why? Because they are not content with themselves and even when they are with a terrific girl, that loneliness inside creeps in and sabotages the otherwise perfect relationship.

My advice - enjoy your solitude - the NOW. Go out on your own, love your uniqueness. Join social groups, clubs and form new hobbies. Get into scuba diving, white water rafting - all those fun stuff you can do. Travel on your own and get to know different people. For once you settle or have a serious relationship, you will have A LOT to compromise, which may include - not going to places you would otherwise go to when you were single. Get it?

**r565** · 01-29-2011 05:00 PM

I'm glad I browsed around and found this, I was about to create a very similar thread. I'm 24 and have never even been on a date with a girl. I not bad looking, 6' 170 lbs, I take care of myself and dress nicely. I think of myself as rather unique. I can write a computer program, discuss philosophy, and then change a transmission. People say "Just be yourself and it will happen." Not true, nothing happened for the 21 years that I didn't really look or the 3 years of actively trying to find someone. The past couple months, the loneliness and depression has gotten severe, I HATE weekends because I'm not distracted by school and think about my aloneness. My latest conclusion is that women are too stupid to know whats good for them. They hook up with the mentally deficient, self-centered, lazy, abusive losers while guys like me are left alone. Yes, I do know a couple other guys like me. Here are a few of my reasons to be depressed:

I'm a computer science major so there are basically no women in my classes.

My sister has tried to set me up with her friends but they always back out.

I went to a speed dating event last year, there was a blizzard so 15 guys and 1 girl showed . The female organizers joined in so it wouldn't seem so catastrophic. I got 1 email address out of the night and she never responded.

I've been trying online dating for about a month. Sent out 20 emails and 35 "winks" so far. Got one response but she ignored my second message.

Originally Posted by jns

Let me describe dancing: you go to a club with a bunch of people. You buy drinks, pair off or go in a group and hit the dance floor. Some tire sooner, they go back and sit down. When you go back there may be only a few people at your table, a time to talk. When rested, you go back out, sometimes with someone you haven't danced with before. Then you come back and the situation repeats with other people at the table. A lot of times the guys will sooner or later stay at the table drinking. This leaves a situation where some of the women may want to go out again with a guy and you are available. Since you can dance, you go out. You are not necessarily trying to create a relationship, but having fun together will get noticed and things may happen.

I have no idea what you are talking about. Talk at a club? Yeah right, its always so loud that all you do is yell "WHAT?" I've tried dancing with random girls and they literally push me away.

Originally Posted by aj2sheds

And to be honest, the majority of girls appreciate when a guy strikes up a conversation; we understand that it takes a certain measure of guts to do that, and we respect it. So the response you get from just starting a conversation might not be as bad as you think

Every time I try to start conversation it always goes over like a lead balloon. They either ignore me or give disinterested one word answers. Just last night I saw a girl with a massive ring, I went up to her and tried to strike a conversation by saying "Wow that's a big ring" expecting her to say "I love gaudy jewelry" or "My grandma gave it to me" but no she just looked at me and walked away.

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Join an organization. Whatever your specialty is in school, there will most likely be an organization for it. Join it. Maybe it won't be action packed with hot females (maybe it will), but you will network and make more friends.....some of which might have other friends who might happen to be single females. Get my drift?

You just gotta get out there...... stop sitting home playing video games.....shut the machine off and get out and about.

Video games and TV bore me. I do activities but I'm not able to produce any relationships from them; even with guys for that matter.

**jns** · 01-29-2011 11:54 PM

Originally Posted by r565

I have no idea what you are talking about. Talk at a club? Yeah right, its always so loud that all you do is yell "WHAT?" I've tried dancing with random girls and they literally push me away.

Originally Posted by jns

Let me describe dancing: you go to a club with a bunch of people. You buy drinks, pair off or go in a group and hit the dance floor. Some tire sooner, they go back and sit down. When you go back there may be only a few people at your table, a time to talk. When rested, you go back out, sometimes with someone you haven't danced with before. Then you come back and the situation repeats with other people at the table. A lot of times the guys will sooner or later stay at the table drinking. This leaves a situation where some of the women may want to go out again with a guy and you are available. Since you can dance, you go out. You are not necessarily trying to create a relationship, but having fun together will get noticed and things may happen.

If you do what I say, you may get different results.

**DrearyDrear** · 01-30-2011 11:04 PM

Originally Posted by r565

I'm a computer science major so there are basically no women in my classes.

I'm going to give you my best advice in this situation: If there are cross-departmental classes that might involve your skills, take them. I was a fine arts major and I met my boyfriend, a comp-sci major, when he took an "interesting looking class" that was looking for people from all departments. Yeah, comp-sci does not have "many women" (of course, A/V based majors aren't much better, we were about a 3:1 male to female ratio).

To both posters, I really suggest trying to spend a lot less focus on appearances. Yours and the ladies'. Be happy with how you look, but don't honestly worry about it around people. There is no universal appearance meter that women use.
The worst part about that class (in which there were 20 students, only myself and two friends were the women) was that for the most part, the guys in the class could not remember the contributions and only could remember the size of my breasts (as I found out via the boyfriend when he was talking to a few of them later). If you are working with someone, remember what she does. Sure, I'll preen a bit when people are looking at me, but it's a huge bummer to find out they aren't able to remember a single thing I did after working with them closely for six months.

Really though, do join the clubs, go to the discussions and talks that go on around campus, sign up for discussion based classes and take the really weird classes that look interesting. Get to talks/classes early, participate, hang around a bit. And do limit the video games. I love them too, but they don't help you get out. Better yet, grab a game boy and play before class. At least for my friends, this was one of the biggest ice-breakers we had.

Catapiller79 is right though, enjoy your solitude. Make friends, take care of yourself, have fun. Find volunteer work to do on the weekends if nothing else. Being out and about helps. And good luck!

**jns** · 01-31-2011 12:43 AM

Originally Posted by r565

I'm a computer science major so there are basically no women in my classes.

I have 72 semester units over the last 11 years in computer science classes at a local community college and almost all of them had women in them. A few even had women instructors including a Networking and Telecommunications class and a Python Programming gaming class. To get more women in computing, an outreach should be done by the Computer Science School.

**groupieindenial** · 02-01-2011 11:42 AM

teh dude, and r565 - there are some inherent problems with meeting new people in today's online social networks replacing real life social interaction. It limits us from meeting new people, because people don't go out as much, and when they do it is to dance at loud clubs or concerts, which are TERRIBLE places to meet people. I really hate straining to hear and talk in loud places. If I'm at a dance club, I am there to dance. If I go to a concert, i do not want to miss it trying to chat with a stranger over the music - thats a twofold buzz kill.

So, where to meet new people? Unfortunately its going to take some creativity if you would rather do this in real person, or online. The nice t hing about online dating is that you can think about what you can say before typing it, real life iteraction you got one chance to say something witty to catch her interest. However, I do hate online dating -it's soooo superficial. I hate reading the guys who put "looking for a sweet, beautiful girl" ugggh, I am not "sweet". I am cool, but i am not sweet per se. I am not beautiful, sorry, but I am cute. I just feel we never can get past the unrealistic superficial desires people want when doing online dating. And honestly, to me its a big turn off from the get go. Also, it makes you have to try so hard to sell yourself, when you really should only have to be yourself. So, my suggestion, get involved in something co-ed that you are interested in, or could be interested in. teh dude, you said you like soccer - i do believe there are some co-ed adult for fun leagues out there you could join or volleyball. How bout getting a dog? Girls are suckers for dogs, and dogs can be great buddies, and excuse to go out and do things. You can go to the park, play frisbee, or get into some competitive sport or hobby (dock dogs, frisbee, search and rescue, skijoring or scootering etc....). Try getting involved in the community, volunteer helping with some event.

In order to have something in common, or strike up a conversation, get caught up on current events, and popculture. Just saying "wow, thats a big ring" isn't really putting any effort or thought into it. It doesn't come accross as something sincere, it kind of sounds like you are mocking her. Women like compliments, as long as they sound sincere and genuine. BTW, confidence is sexy as long as it isn't cocky. You don't have to be good looking to get dates/girls. They like charming, confident, funny (but not in the joker kind of way, but more in the witty way), SOCIAL guys. You need to learn to flirt, not overtly, but subtly. It's part of being personable.