Is he just not that into me?

**Roadlesstaken** · 01-23-2011 10:33 AM

Was seeing a man for three months. He never took me out, but he would cook for me a lot. We would spend the night at each other's houses. He told me that he loved me. Well he went on a trip last week and he told me last night that he had a job interview in a new city. He said he didn't know if he got the job. I asked him about us and he said that he didn't know if he wanted to leave town just yet because of me. This morning I got dressed and before I walked out of his house, I told him that I was done and that our relationship was over. I think that he was using me to fill a gap until he left. He let me leave his house without saying a word. He didn't say bye or I love you. Nothing. So was he just that not into me?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-23-2011 11:22 AM

I'd be very concerned that the two of you never went out together in 3 months. Going out in social settings, doing fun things together is what builds a relationship. You must ask yourself why? What is he ashamed of, what is he hiding? To me something screams out at me with this man that says he is not who you think he is. There is more to the story. You're feeling hidden, used, unappreciated, like you're being used to fill a gap. If you're feeling that way, that is most likely pretty accurate. You're not getting what you need from this man. You may like him, but you're not getting what you need from him.

You said the relationship is over and you felt he was using you to fill a gap.....in hopes that he'd say "No that's not true at all. I really like you and don't want you to leave." But he didn't. And now you're disappointed because you wanted to mean more to him than that. But consider it a good thing because the worst thing is to be led on by someone who has no real interest in you.

Is he just not that into you? THat's certainly the way it sounds to me. Do not settle for a man that is only in a relationship with you in the privacy of his home....one that doesn't want to go out with you and experience fun things and make memories, a man that conveniently never introduces you to anyone else in his life. Those are major red flags. You are better than that.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-23-2011 11:36 AM

As far as him not taking you out... did he not go out by himself? If not then I don't think it really matters. If he was going out without you and never took YOU out with him in 3 months... that would be a bad sign. But if he was just a home-body and never liked going out himself, then it really doesn't say how he feels about you or doesn't if you guys never went anywhere.

If he TOLD you he wasn't sure whether or not he'd take the job because of how he felt about you... what would make you jump from that to thinking he isn't into you? If he was spending all his free time with you, enjoyed your company... theres a good possiblity he is being sincere when he says he cares for you.

Him not following you out the door is not necessarily a sign he didn't care, maybe it was a sign that he doesn't want to chase you down, tell you he loves you and wants you to be there -- if he's not even sure he's staying. That wouldn't be fair to you.

Had he been looking for work out of the area for your entire relationship? Or did an opportunity just come his way? What would make you think he was just filling up the space til he left if he had no idea he was even going anywhere?

**jns** · 01-23-2011 12:15 PM

Originally Posted by Roadlesstaken

Was seeing a man for three months. He never took me out, but he would cook for me a lot. We would spend the night at each other's houses. He told me that he loved me. Well he went on a trip last week and he told me last night that he had a job interview in a new city. He said he didn't know if he got the job. I asked him about us and he said that he didn't know if he wanted to leave town just yet because of me. This morning I got dressed and before I walked out of his house, I told him that I was done and that our relationship was over. I think that he was using me to fill a gap until he left. He let me leave his house without saying a word. He didn't say bye or I love you. Nothing. So was he just that not into me?

I think he was into you, but he was unsure of what moves to make. Maybe he is socially awkward and doesn't communicate very well. The moving to another city for a job is a biggie for the both of you. Had both of you talked about moving before? Guys are under a clear directive to be productive in life. We unabashedly call them lazy if they aren't.

I'm sure your walking out without expressing any regret was a shock. You do not seem to be into him very much. I see no evidence that he was filling the gap for a week. He may have been willing to forgo a job in a tough job market to be with you as opposed to being in a LDR.

**Roadlesstaken** · 01-23-2011 12:39 PM

I cried when I told him that it was over. He said nothing. It was a good five minutes before I left. He could have said something. Anything. I had told him weeks ago that I wanted to go out to lunch. I even asked him out for lunch and he made excuses as to why he was busy. My birthday is coming up and I asked him what he was doing that weekend and he said that he didn't know yet and didn't even ask why I was asking. When I told him the reason I was asking about that weekend, he told me that he would have to check the schedule at work. He had told me last week when his days are off and those days I asked about he was off. For his birthday, I bought him a shirt and made him dinner. For Christmas, I bought him two nice gifts. I got nothing. Not a card. Not a gift. Nothing.

I asked him last night where he saw our relationship going. He didn't say anything, so I asked "marriage"? and he said assertively that he wasn't ready to marry me nor anyone else. He didn't say anything after that.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-23-2011 02:09 PM

I cried when I told him that it was over. He said nothing. It was a good five minutes before I left. He could have said something. Anything. I had told him weeks ago that I wanted to go out to lunch. I even asked him out for lunch and he made excuses as to why he was busy. My birthday is coming up and I asked him what he was doing that weekend and he said that he didn't know yet and didn't even ask why I was asking. When I told him the reason I was asking about that weekend, he told me that he would have to check the schedule at work. He had told me last week when his days are off and those days I asked about he was off. For his birthday, I bought him a shirt and made him dinner. For Christmas, I bought him two nice gifts. I got nothing. Not a card. Not a gift. Nothing.

I asked him last night where he saw our relationship going. He didn't say anything, so I asked "marriage"? and he said assertively that he wasn't ready to marry me nor anyone else. He didn't say anything after that.

I'll maintain my original assessment of this situation. When I read your first post, I read the words of someone who is unhappy, knowing they are not being treated like they deserve, seeing some big time red flags. And after reading your second post, it just reinforces to me that this man is not a man that's seriously into you, that is genuinely concerned with your happiness. It's totally reasonable he wouldn't want to discuss marriage after 3 months. And you need to ask yourself why you would even be willing to talk about marriage with someone you've been with 3 months who doesn't give you what you need, who doesn't treat you like you're someone important in his life. It sounds like you need to seriously reevaluate your standards.

This guy was having his cake and eating it too. He had you, who was willing to be at his beck and call and come to his home, stay with him, have sex with him (I'm assuming), play house........without any expectation of anything in return. You treated him like a boyfriend. He treated you like a fling.

Cut your losses. I think it's a good time for you to be single, and figure out who you really are and what you truly want in a relationship. Decide what you're willing to settle for and what you're not. And most importantly, learn to love yourself so that you'll never settle for being someones fling again unless that's what you want.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-23-2011 02:13 PM

Good for you is all I can say by being strong and walking.

He went away for a job interview however, didn't tell you...He told you a week later.

He's never taken you out.

He won't take you out when you ask, rather let me check my schedule.

He has you over for dinner what a couple of times a week? Did you meet, instantly find an attraction and pretty much instantly fell into his bed and felt safe, that you had a relationship?

You bought him gifts for birthday and Christmas, he bought you nothing

This is an un-attached man whom is in my opinion, a batchelor, not interested in anything serious but like all people, selfishly doesn't tell you any of this and takes....The company and the sex until you feel used, then he lets you walk and onto the next.

That doesn't mean that he didn't like you as a person, have some form of emotions for you...

It means that he was not clear from the in-set what your relationship was to be and didn't express that....He just let it go where it is....

All I can advise you is to not pine, don't contact him, and in your next "relationship", take it slow and in addition ensure you know where they want to go in life, if they have baggage or if they are a batchelor....in the true sense of the word.

He's obviously lying to you, if you knew his days off, and he's obviously aware that you've fallen for him and he doesn't want that....

What kills men like that the most? Is total ingorance, ignore him....

Start again sweet....

CW

**jns** · 01-23-2011 02:17 PM

I'm sorry I didn't read between the lines in the first post, but your second post changes everything. I agree with BD and CW.

**Roadlesstaken** · 01-23-2011 03:43 PM

And get a load of this. About two weeks ago, he sent me a text with a pic of a motorcycle and told me that it would make a great gift because it was something that he wanted. The motorcycle cost $14000. I replied "no way" and "mama didn't raise no fool". He asked why I was getting defensive and I stated that I did not buy motorcycles nor expensive gifts for just boyfriends. Glad I dumped him. He was and is in every sense of the word a loser. Thanks for all your replies.