Open Relationships

**ElenaV** · 02-02-2011 07:54 PM

I have been in an open relationship for about six months. It started off quite casual until he made the suggestion we become a bit more serious. It then turned out that another girl began to pursue him and he then made the transition to dating both of us. I was made aware of this after the fact, after he spent the weekend with her. I decided to go ahead with what was always an open relationship with certain rules like safer sex, honesty. He and I have a very easy fun relationship and we have a lot in common. She is married and they fight quite a bit, which he complains to me more than I am comfortable with. In fact I have grown to kind of dislike her though I have never met her. I feel like he tells me too much yet I want every detail. I get my hopes up every time that they will break up but then he always gives her one more chance. We had a discussion about whether he loved her and he told me he cared for me more or at least liked me more. Ideally we would be primary and be able to sleep with others without falling in love. Anyone have any advice on how I talk about this? I worry that we have two different styles of open relationship standards and I will never be happy with our arrangement.

**WildChild** · 02-02-2011 11:54 PM

Are you seeing anyone else or this just 'open' for him to have another woman?

**ElenaV** · 02-03-2011 01:36 AM

I too can see other people and I have. It's not the sex that bothers me or the dating it is really all the effort he puts into this other relationship.

**KaytiC** · 02-03-2011 06:28 AM

I am facing an almost similar situation with my emotions regarding my partner. The idea of him with someone else does not always bother me, but the thought that so much effort is being taken away from me and put towards someone else bugs the crud out of me. This is also my first attempt at an open relationship, so I am unsure how to go about it in the first place.

Have you talked to your partner and told him about how it makes you feel? What you thought the relationship entailed then vs how it is now? Have you told him that you do not want to hear about the problems between this other person and your man?

**ElenaV** · 02-03-2011 10:27 AM

It's tough these open relationships. This is my first as well. I think I will just talk to him about all this. It actually helps hearing I am not the only one with this dilemma. He just keeps telling me "Oh she and I are going to break up if this next date doesn't go well." Like what? So frustrating. Then again, I don't want to encourage secrets either. Okay time to just talk to him I think. Thanks!

**KaytiC** · 02-04-2011 09:25 AM

Good luck!

**BasketCase** · 02-04-2011 12:59 PM

Usually an open relationship consists of both partners branching out from time to time to have sex with another indivitual. What you have here is a bit different. He is acually in two different relationships. I am opposed to the concept, but understand why it would be disirable to other people. That said, I think what you have here is unhealthy to say the least. If he were having sex with other women, no strings attached, I would understand. But he is not, he is emotionally attached to both of you. I would say, speak to him about it. Find out exactly what his feelings are about this other women. Let him know your ok with him having sex with other women, but no ok with him acually having a relationship with other women. Explain to him that their is a big difference.

**ren_07** · 02-06-2011 06:17 PM

First of all, I think you should keep in mind that if he's saying he likes you more, he's probably feeding similar stories to the other woman he is seeing concerning you. To keep two girls happy, no matter how easy going they are, is not an easy task. He's probably got a way with words. All I'm saying is that things may not all be as they seem. You can't see his relationship with her so you don't know other than through his word what's going on.

Open relationships are hard. It's virtually impossible to see someone you have any degree of feelings for and not get frustrated by them putting attention towards someone else. You may not want to be serious with this man, but that means at some point those feelings will either get stronger and the relationship will take the next level or you'll get fed up/bored/ready for a closed relationship and leave. I'm not sure how long these situations can successfully go on bc our mindsets are always changing. We're so certain sometimes that we don't want an exclusive/serious relationship because we're not ready emotionally or don't want to get hurt again, but we surprisingly will end up getting hurt regardless because seeing someone for awhile in an open relationship is still developing a closeness with someone over a time period.

So chances are if you're not crazy for him, you're gonna have to let this not bother you as much. Bc if you do let it bother you, that's gonna force you to explain to him why you're acting jealous or upset when this is what you want. And that'll mean you will have to just deal with the current situation, assert yourself and become a couple with him, or break it off.