I'm sabotaging our relationship! =(

**Sunshine629** · 02-09-2011 05:31 AM

Me and my boyfriend have lived together almost 4 years. We get along great a majority of the time. Like any man, he wants his space from time to time.
I'm finding that I am a very dependent person. It drives me insane to be home alone. I'll clean until there's nothing left to clean and then I'm left feeling extremely restless. I'll pace back and forth, get on the computer for a sec, go back to pacing, go outside and smoke a cigarette and start all over again.
If he doesn't tell me where he's going or when he's going to be back, it's 10x worse, and then we usually end up getting into a fight when he does get home. I realize this is insane and I'm not doing either of us any favors. It's something I'm working on but just can't seem to get over it.
I grew up in a very protective household, we always had to let someone know where we were going and what time we'd be back. If anyone left while no one was home, they always left a note. Maybe that's part of it, I'm just raised to expect to know where the members of my household are.
I'm about 300 miles from my family (which is probably a large part of it) so I can't go visit them when I have a day or night to myself, and I don't have a lot of friends in the area. We moved here to be closer to his work.
I am ashamed by this behavior and whenever we get into a fight right after I just feel sick to my stomach because of how childish and ridiculous I'm being, but I can't seem to stop. It used to be worse, and I've gotten better, but I don't want to be this way at all.
Any of you ever deal with this feeling? How did you cope and make yourself stop this foolishness? Any advice would be SO much appreciated. He's my best friend, my love, and I don't want to push him away because of this. Thank you!!!

**rcoreyus** · 02-09-2011 09:01 AM

Maybe find something to occupy your time at home? Hobbies? Maybe even a part time job? You are right that this could drive him away.

**fiestypunkgirl** · 02-09-2011 09:16 AM

Ah, yes I remember those days and I TOTALLY feel for you

.
My (ex) husband and I moved 900 miles away from our families for my job. Its tough!! We were also married for about 4 years at the time, too. I think how you're feeling is completely normal. Give yourself a break, you just let go of everything you knew and you need something stable and familiar; which is your BF. You shouldnt be ashamed!! Its totally understandable!! Stay in touch with your family, its so important to help you feel grounded. Call them, if you can. It helped me just to hear my moms voice, even if for 10 minutes.

Aside from that, the best suggestion I know of, is to get out yourself, too. go alone. Who cares! Just persue a hobby or something. Go to the library, or hiking, or whatever feeds your passions. I picked up a second job at a stable, because horses are my passion and I had to leave mine behind. Not for the money, just to get out and to be around them again. It helped me feel whole again. plus I made a friend...the other groom was about my age.

As far as him telling you where hes going or when he'll be back. Or around when he'll be back, thats just mutual respect. I dont think its too much to ask him to do that for you!! You need to feel secure with all these changes and thats what he can do to help. Chances are, since he knows you, he knows you're not trying to be controlling or setting 'curfews' for him, its just so you know.

Good luck sister I know how you feel!! its so hard *hugs*

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-09-2011 09:52 AM

Sounds to me like you're Co-Dependent. Being co-dependent will consume you if you let it.

I would suggest doing a search on the Internet about Co-dependence and reading a book or two about it. There are several out there.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-09-2011 01:53 PM

What you are taught in life, if you agree with that, you take with you into your Adult life and this protection made everyone feel safe but it didn't allow for independance...

You've done a great thing, you've moved to help your other half better himself, with his life, your lives together, you sacraficed friends and family.

But, your a big girl

When you already know the reasons, act on changing them.

You can phone your family, you can join a gym or classes for a hobby and make new friends, you can't rely on him to be your all, or else off course you'll go nuts.

I don't think it's correct for a grown man to have to tell his every move, and often if a person is enjoying themselves, they stay later, but the correct thing to do is to phone and say, hey, having a good time, so will be home in an hour or so..

It's about trust and independance..

This is also a great you time..Learn yogo by a DVD and a mat..Take a bath, light some candles, and relax, read a book...me time..

The thing that is missing is learning all about you and loving all about you and spoiling you...when you can do that, you enjoy other's company but you also enjoy your own..

CW

**Sunshine629** · 02-10-2011 06:09 AM

Thanks ladies! I guess I really do need to find a hobby or two. I used to draw, maybe I could pick up my old sketch pad now and then. I'm from a small town and lived in the same area all my life, everyone knew each other. This place isn't like that and I'm having a very hard time adjusting.

I don't want him have to tell me every detail of his plans and what time exactly he'll be home. Just something general like "hanging out with the guys after work tonight, I'll be home late", would be fine. I wouldn't be anxiously waiting for him for hours, because I'd know he'd be late. But at the same time, I'd still be pacing back and forth trying to find something to do with myself. I've talked with him about this and he is finally understanding it's not about me knowing his every move, but just to give me peace of mind and it's considerate, so I don't like cook a large dinner if it's just going to be me, or make plans and be disappointed when he doesn't come home. Things like that.

I've thought about taking some classes, maybe that could be something I'd do to get my mind off being homesick and lonely and help me regain some independence. I don't know.
I've considered leaving him to go back home because I am so lonesome. Which is horrible, because he's just amazing and we're so happy together most of the time. But I need to be close to family. (I'm a Cancer, down to the T)

Thank you Fiestypunkgirl, I'm glad I'm not the only one who's ever felt like this. Sometimes I'm like, "wow, I must be a mental case", but from what you said I guess it's kind of natural when you're out of your element to feel like this. Thank you!! And were you ever able to have your own horses again?

**fiestypunkgirl** · 02-12-2011 08:17 PM

LOL! not a mental case at all. Or co-dependant, insecure, lack of ability to just 'suck it up'. None of that. Its just a huge life changing...well...change lol. Im very independant, very solitary and I will go NUTS without time alone. But even with that personality I got lonely.
I also grew up in a small town as you described! Everyone knew everyone. Which I think we got really sick of. So I guess we figured if we were going to move away, we were going to do it right. Haha!!

About the horse. We moved back about 4 years later. My parents kept her as they have property. We used to have three, but when I moved they decided to give away the other two (to very close family friends) and just keep mine. Anyway, sadly just a few months after we moved back she died. Probably still one of the most traumatic events I've faced!!! She was not old, just got sick and died. Still miss her terribly.

Drawing is great! Being creative is definately a great way to get absorbed in what you're doing!! Maybe a community college would be worth checking into? because not only would you be improving yourself acedemically but you'd also have projects and homework to do to keep you engaged while you're at home too.

**bbydede** · 04-10-2011 09:20 PM

I would suggest volunteering. I'm an artist as well and volunteered this weekend at an art festival and met some other nice girls. Plus, you get a good workout, a free shirt, and some food

Also try meditation and gardening. Gardening can be done in cold climates indoors in pots or by buying an aerogarden. I love watching my plants grow, it can be very calming and a great stress reliever. I made some really awesome meals with all my vegetables. Sometimes when my boyfriend was racing off leaving me in our big house alone in a strange town I would find 100 percent relief in my garden. It was like my chill zone. Animals help too. You'd be surprised how quickly a furry friend can turn your tears into laughter or fulfill a lonely day.

The best thing for the relationship and yourself is for you to get out and meet people. Don't lose your sparkle chasing after his life- but create your own and he will cherish you for your originality and what you bring to the duo. Once I started going out with my new friends and co-workers in the new town, and stopped worrying what he was doing, I suddenly found him waiting at home for ME, not going out anymore!

Good luck! You sound very nice and Im sure you will meet some awesome ladies very soon!

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-10-2011 10:46 PM

Breathing room is crucial to a happy relationship. I love to cuddle and snuggle the heck out of my boyfriend, I like to know what he's up to in at least some vague way and to at least get a text when we are not going to be spending the day together.. but I think our time apart is what makes us so happy to see each other the rest of the time. On days he spends with his friends golfing etc... I catch up on my things I like to do -- my nails, visiting a girlfriend etc.

You said you grew up in sort of a controlled environment... and a relationship is so different than that. You have to have a life of your own outside of him -- for various reasons. One person can not make you whole... and when you make someone your entire world -- what happens when they are gone? You have to have interests and happiness outside of the person you love... the person you love should enrich your world, make it a better place -- but they shouldn't be your only source of happiness.

Thats a lot of pressure to put on a person and could lead to them feeling choked and restrained. I bet if you didn't argue about it... but simply told him how happy it would make you if he shot a text at you or a note on the table if he was going to be gone for a length of time -- he'd probably see no harm in doing so , and feel good about making you happy that way.

But when you make it a 'you better!' or 'you didn't do this or that'... it will cause a person to instinctively become defensive and react like ' hey i don't have to if i don't want to!!' vicious circle of arguments. Most men, the good ones anyway, love to keep the woman in their life happy... and so approaching your need for some sort of touching base when your apart (as long as you are being reasonable -- he shouldn't have to be checking in -- but a text to say 'i'll be home around ...' is perfectly acceptable to ask for) approaching it in a positive way like... it makes me so happy to hear from you when you are gone -- will float a whole lot better than just waiting for him to not do it and starting a fight over it, demanding it... etc.

I agree with the others-- you need to find some hobbies and interests of your own so that you can spend your times apart enjoying yourself and not pacing around waiting for him to return.

**rozzierox91** · 04-23-2011 01:57 PM

I know it's hard I'm the very same way. the problem is with me however that if i ask him to just call me when he's leaving, he thinks I'm trying to parent him. which I'm not. i know when my man goes out he drinks, so i just want to know he's safe especially if he's out after midnight when i usually go to bed. It's very difficult. I live close to my parents but when my man goes out it's late at night. All my family is in bed so it makes it much more difficult for me to take up a hobby or something in the middle of the night. I too was raised with always know where each other was or calling and saying "hey, i'm running late, it'll be a few more hours, we're still enjoying ourselves." SOMETHING! I don't like feeling this way either and it hurts.