He hung out with her, behind my back

**Annabelle** · 02-13-2011 02:14 AM

My boyfriend was sent to the west coast for job training several months ago. He was sent to the same state his ex girlfriend lives in. Now they hadn't actually met face to face, they only met online and kept a relationship that way. She hates me, saying on her facebook "I wanna slap that b**** ". I guess I 'stole' him from her when they both knew it wasn't going anywhere because they lived across the country from each other. Anyway, we got talking just the other day and somehow him going out west came up. Keep in mind it's been 7-8 months since he was there. He decided to tell me that while he was there, he met up with his ex. The second her name came out of his mouth, I was livid. How could you do this? I screamed. I've never really had problems with my past boyfriends being friends with their exs, but don't try to hide it from me! I was screaming for a good few minutes, asking how could he do this, why would you wait 8 MONTHS to tell me about it? He said he 'didn't want to upset me' thinking I would get angry, as if waiting this long was any better. He swears they only went bowling, she brought one of her friends and he brought one of his friends, and they never hugged let alone did anything else. I didn't care, and I still don't. He keeps telling me that nothing ever happened and they only hung out once, but seriously why would you wait 8 months to tell me if it was 'only once' and 'nothing happened'?! Not only that but I found a picture of her on his phone in the saved pictures file. I woke him up in a rage asking what the eff is this. Again, he swears he 'doesn't remember' ever recieving it or even remembering it was saved, but it was 'probably old' and 'been there for a while'. Am I overreacting, getting too angry at nothing or should I have something to worry about? Why would he wait 8 months to tell me, I would have been A LOT less angry, if at all, had he just told me instead of waiting, and I've told him this several times!

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-13-2011 06:03 AM

Overreacting? Hard to say. Immediately what comes to my mind is Honesty and Trust. Both are in question at this point (IMO). Not telling you 8 months ago is not being honest with you which then leades to you not being able to trust him.

Both are MAJOR foundation blocks to any good relationship (IMO). Now that this has come out, you have two choices to make....1) Get over it, see it for what it might be, a one time event (and she is thousands of miles away) and go on from here, or 2) Let it consume you, cause you to question everything he does or says, make you ask questions about other questionable events or whatever and have it snowball down hill until the avalanche of accusations and emotions ruins what you have.

I'm a big fan of counseling/therapy as it has helped me and mine through some pretty challenging issues and I think the opinion of a professional third party who is not attached to the situation is best. So you might consider it. He should be willing to go without comment.

As for the picture, that could be connected or it could be months old and he forgot about it.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-13-2011 08:09 AM

Well perhaps 8 months ago he wasn't 'sure'... about the 2 of you as he is now, since he never met the ex before breaking up with her... its possible he still had a 'what if' feeling about the situation and when the opportunity presented itself he wanted to see if he made the right decision.. or maybe he just met with her for the closure aspect.. who knows what he was thinking. It was STUPID of him not to tell you, it was cowardly of him not to tell you ... he probably thought what a lot of people do that it would be far less trouble to ask for forgiveness later than to ask for approval beforehand.

But as shady and selfish as his actions were, and they were... because an on the level guy would have said ... look, i'm going to meet up with her, just to hang out. That would be a brave move because he could have lost you with those words, and he knew that... so he decided to not tell you so that he could still come back to your open arms. I don't buy for a minute it was to save you anger, it was to save you from leaving him over dipping into his past... it was to save himself from losing you.

But ALL that being said... obviously the nature of your relationship has changed in the last 8 months... the fact that he's telling you now implies a guilty a concscience... which isn't a bad thing... it shows he's not a sociopath, it shows he wants to build an honest future with you and doesn't want it stained with lies from the past. It sounds like he's grown up some... and you have to give him credit for telling you something you wouldn't have known otherwise...

UNLESSS... there is something else at play, unless he's telling you because you were about to find out anyway (maybe she was going to tell you? or threatned to?) if so his motiviations would be again to save face... and not altruistic.

Even though he didn't have intimate connections with her... the fact that he could do something like that and come back to your trusting heart and keep that from you... would be scary, scary to think he could hide things of that nature. I don't think that lies are something that are only defined by being asked something and not telling the truth... I think lies are also the things that people don't say -- that if said -- could change the nature of the relationship... an ommission of something that would hurt your partner... is a lie.

Some people think its a grey area and can say well... if she doesn't ask I don't have to say -- but thats not how trust works... trust is knowing that your partner will tell you anything you need to know so that you can make an informed decision on whether or not you want to be with them. You shouldn't have to ask every hour... so.. did you do this or that so that they will have to tell the truth... that would be terrible. In a trusting relationship you expect your partner to 'come clean' with anything relevant.

Not telling you they had a hotdog for lunch.. is an omission of information, but its not a lie. Not telling you they met up and went on a date with an ex while on a business trip is an ommision... and a lie to the relationship. There is a difference.

But if you love this man, and if you think his reasons for telling you now were from the heart, because he wants to move forward with you in an honest relationship... then you should take what he did with a grain of salt. ESpecially if it was early in the relationship.. ask yourself if you might have done the same thing, remember he is human, and it may have been simple human curiousity and not something that was meant to hurt you.

**OregonGirl** · 02-13-2011 12:03 PM

You have to think of the possibility that now he is telling you because the guilt finally caught up with him. Perhaps there is more to the story?

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-13-2011 01:12 PM

Perhaps there are more "stories".....

If he wasn't upfront and truthful about this, what else has he not "shared" with you?

**JadedQueen** · 02-14-2011 01:19 AM

Hopeless Dork... you always give such amazing and insightful advice. I agree with what HD said. I do have a few questions because after reading the OP the same thing that others wondered about crossed my mind as well. Did he come clean after 8 months because he felt guilty... OR did he come clean for fear that you were going to find out from someone else?
How long had the two of you been together when he went on trip? Was your relationship fairly new? I may get yelled at for this but I can understand him not telling you prior to going on the trip or while he was gone.

I would have been A LOT less angry, if at all, had he just told me instead of waiting, and I've told him this several times!

If he had told you while he was still out of town? or if he would have told you when he got back? I think if he had told you while he was still out of town it would have really messed with your head because you would have constantly been wondering the entire time he was there if he was talking to her, seeing her etc.... I agree with HD that maybe he needed some closure, maybe he felt bad for breaking it off with her because it sounds like she didn't take it very well (the threats to you on FB). Another question... after he broke up with her and you and he got together, did he still talk to her online or did they cut ties? If they did still talk did you have a problem with it? And, do they still talk to each after he came back from his trip? Have you asked him what made him decide to tell you after 8 months ? If he told you and there was no danger you would have EVER found out, he just told you because he wanted to be honest with you, I think you have to give him a little bit of credit for that... BUT... the fact that it took him 8 months to tell you I don't think that is right at all. He should have told you when he came home. Just like everyone else mentioned, I am curious what prompted his confession after 8 months. If you find out please let us know.