Thread: You'll know why my boyfriend is defensive :C

I'm going to sound like an echo to WC but has anything happened at all that would make you not trust him? I too get emotional sometimes but its just insecurities coming out, I think it's only human nature to have these moments. Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he looks at other girls or watches porn? Calmly talked about it? Men get defensive when they know they're in trouble just like you said and they don't really like confrontation. But my honest opinion is that men are going to watch porn no matter what and they're going to look at other girls because its their nature, but if he is taking the looking to another level where you think its disrespecting you then its an issue you need to talk about. Do you look at good looking guys when you are out together?

Hi WildChild, thank you for replying to my thread. I'm 19 and we've been together for 3 years now. It's not that our relationship is not healthy but i just feel that something is wrong. I can't open up to him about simple things that bother me anymore because if I do, we'll start to fight or argue with each other again (but its not that serious). I know it's my fault why he is reacting that way now, being so defensive when I ask questions. I just don't know what to do now, i don't want to argue or give him a hard time anymore. Should I just keep the simple things that's bothering me (insecurities, being paranoid, and things like that) to myself and show him that I really trust him?

Originally Posted by crissylynn

I'm going to sound like an echo to WC but has anything happened at all that would make you not trust him? I too get emotional sometimes but its just insecurities coming out, I think it's only human nature to have these moments. Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he looks at other girls or watches porn? Calmly talked about it? Men get defensive when they know they're in trouble just like you said and they don't really like confrontation. But my honest opinion is that men are going to watch porn no matter what and they're going to look at other girls because its their nature, but if he is taking the looking to another level where you think its disrespecting you then its an issue you need to talk about. Do you look at good looking guys when you are out together?

Crissylynn, thank you for replying to my thread. Nothing really serious happened that made me not trust him. It's just the simple questions that he didn't answer truthfully that bothers me. Yes, Ive talked to him calmly about my feelings (insecurities, being uncomfortable with some of his actions, etc) but sometimes, or should I say, most of the time, i just burst out because of how he reacts to the things that I'm telling him. I don't really care if he watches porn behind my back or looking at other girls,what im after is his answers. I just don't like it when I ask him questions like "have you been watching porn lately?" when I know he does and tells me that he isn't. I don't know, maybe i really am the problem. :C

I have just read your post and I used to be the exact same! fair enough I still have my insecurities and sometimes I can hold these in and blurt them out to him and feel stupid afterwards. Men will watch porn and will look at other girls, he shouldn't be doing that in front of you because that is just disrespectful, but he will do it and I bet you look at others guys when your with your friends, I know that I do and every other straight woman will! This is something you have just got to accept and when you start feeling insecure just try and hold the thought in because making an argument over it is just pointless!

I know my bf has not told me the truth on an odd occasion, basically to save face and to stop me from kicking off - which I kind of understand because I hate it when we are arguing! and I bet you do with your bf too. Just relax about the whole situation and things will get better. Personally, I am a bit of a drama queen and my bf knows this, when we argue I cry and can't help but cry and I sometimes felt like I was making an argument for the sake of it, when there was no need, and this is what I have learnt to control! I am only 21 and I started going out with my bf when I was 19 and I have definitely matured since then. I think if you want to be in a "proper" "adult" relationship then you do need to curb these feelings.

Insecurities and being paranoid are normal especially for women, just just have to learn to deal with them. If you are ever feeling paranoid, don't tell your bf straight away, stop and think about it, 9/10 you will come to the conclusion you are just being silly. I think once you get this under control your relationship will improve and both of you will become more open!

The only thing I would perhaps have a problem with is that he is secretive with his phone - but this may be because u make sure a big deal about him not showing it you. I never check my boyfriends text and I know I don't need to but I'll still go on his phone to make calls etc - and he will with mine - that is just trust that needs to build up.

Just chill out and I always used to try and say to myself that I am going to make a conscious effort not to fall out for 2 weeks, then you will just forget you are doing it and your relationship will improve and then there is no need to fall out! It will work if it's meant too! xx

Originally Posted by pixie8989

I have just read your post and I used to be the exact same! fair enough I still have my insecurities and sometimes I can hold these in and blurt them out to him and feel stupid afterwards. Men will watch porn and will look at other girls, he shouldn't be doing that in front of you because that is just disrespectful, but he will do it and I bet you look at others guys when your with your friends, I know that I do and every other straight woman will! This is something you have just got to accept and when you start feeling insecure just try and hold the thought in because making an argument over it is just pointless!

I know my bf has not told me the truth on an odd occasion, basically to save face and to stop me from kicking off - which I kind of understand because I hate it when we are arguing! and I bet you do with your bf too. Just relax about the whole situation and things will get better. Personally, I am a bit of a drama queen and my bf knows this, when we argue I cry and can't help but cry and I sometimes felt like I was making an argument for the sake of it, when there was no need, and this is what I have learnt to control! I am only 21 and I started going out with my bf when I was 19 and I have definitely matured since then. I think if you want to be in a "proper" "adult" relationship then you do need to curb these feelings.

Insecurities and being paranoid are normal especially for women, just just have to learn to deal with them. If you are ever feeling paranoid, don't tell your bf straight away, stop and think about it, 9/10 you will come to the conclusion you are just being silly. I think once you get this under control your relationship will improve and both of you will become more open!

The only thing I would perhaps have a problem with is that he is secretive with his phone - but this may be because u make sure a big deal about him not showing it you. I never check my boyfriends text and I know I don't need to but I'll still go on his phone to make calls etc - and he will with mine - that is just trust that needs to build up.

Just chill out and I always used to try and say to myself that I am going to make a conscious effort not to fall out for 2 weeks, then you will just forget you are doing it and your relationship will improve and then there is no need to fall out! It will work if it's meant too! xx

Pixie, thank you for your reply! Wow it's like you really know what I was trying to say! Yeah, I think you're right by not telling my bf right away about my insecurities and being paranoid, and not making small things a big deal. I'll try to do that too, to make a conscious effort not to lose it for some time because I know that's my problem (I just bombard him with my drama queen side too haha) and for sure if I do that, what you advice me to do, it will really help. Thanks pixie, I really appreciate your help! xx

Hi Bunbun,

First of all, I would like to appreciate your sincere efforts to maintain your relationship for so long after so many insecurities. Whatever you mentioned in your mail is not a problem but part of day-to-day life so please stop worrying so much. i would suggest you to analyse this whole situation from your BF's point of view and try to give him a benefit-of-doubt. Boys donot like to be treated like kids. They do not like to take orders and to answer every single question. Just give him some more space and try to understand what he feels. Be a friend first and open up a bit so that he can be fearless infront of you. If he likes to stare at girls or watch porn, then let it be. This is normal. Don't make a fuss about these trifle issues. When you know he does all these activities then why do you want him to confess? Do you always speak truth? Your BF tells you lies because he loves you so much and doesnot want to hurt you. He knows that you will not understand and an argument will again get started. Guys just want to enjoy and that's why they always avoid taking part in arguments specially with their girlfriends. Ask him some different and innovative questions which can bring more happiness when you two are together inspite of asking the same questions he doesnot want to reply again and again.

Originally Posted by Lekhika

Hi Bunbun,

First of all, I would like to appreciate your sincere efforts to maintain your relationship for so long after so many insecurities. Whatever you mentioned in your mail is not a problem but part of day-to-day life so please stop worrying so much. i would suggest you to analyse this whole situation from your BF's point of view and try to give him a benefit-of-doubt. Boys donot like to be treated like kids. They do not like to take orders and to answer every single question. Just give him some more space and try to understand what he feels. Be a friend first and open up a bit so that he can be fearless infront of you. If he likes to stare at girls or watch porn, then let it be. This is normal. Don't make a fuss about these trifle issues. When you know he does all these activities then why do you want him to confess? Do you always speak truth? Your BF tells you lies because he loves you so much and doesnot want to hurt you. He knows that you will not understand and an argument will again get started. Guys just want to enjoy and that's why they always avoid taking part in arguments specially with their girlfriends. Ask him some different and innovative questions which can bring more happiness when you two are together inspite of asking the same questions he doesnot want to reply again and again.

Thanks for your reply Lekhika. I feel guilty now :C Instead of thinking of crazy things, why don't I try transferring my bad thoughts into good things which can bring happiness when we're together? :C Sometimes I just don't get myself why I need to ask questions when I already know that the answers will just make me feel upset an will just start a pointless argument:/