Books on dating and sex

**liminal** · 03-20-2011 10:43 AM

I bought several books on dating. However both books say that sexual gratification should not be a motivation for dating. I disagree with that. Are there any good books out there about dating that acknowledge that sex is important?

**ItsASecret** · 03-20-2011 11:17 AM

What those books mean by "should not be a motivation" is that when entering a date with a lovely lady your reason for going on the date in the first place should be getting to know her and not solely getting her in bed. They mean the date is the most important part, just sitting down and getting to know her and having a fun time is the focus and they will write of the ways that you can accomplish that. They are not saying that sex is not completely unimportant it should just be one of the lesser important things of your date when you take her out.

As for books on sex if you also want that general information, not sure if you saw this link already but if not here it is:

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...books-sex.html

Too many to list, all different kinds of sex topics from tantra energy style sex to how to make a woman feel pleasured in countless ways. There is a lot of information in those books that can be applied to a date to make her feel special by buying flowers and so forth. It is really good info. It is a long list of books but somewhere in all the material it is something that should work for any woman lol.

**liminal** · 03-20-2011 11:22 AM

Actually both of the books were very anti-sex. They were talking about the motivation for dating in general and not the particular date your with.

**liminal** · 03-20-2011 11:57 AM

The Dating for Dummies book said that you should abstain from sex until you find the one.

**WildChild** · 03-20-2011 01:31 PM

If you look in enough places you will find something that tells you sex should be your primary reason for dating. If you look in enough places you can find something to support or agree with darned near anything you may come up with. That doesn't make it THE answer or true. Acknowledging that sex is important is not the same as it being the motivation for dating.

In all honesty, sex is a primary motivation for much of what we do in human interaction and American society (I assume that is where you are) loves to alternately deny and use that fact.

You've already stated that you object to one night stands.

Dating is about connecting, finding out if you are on the same page or not, discovering if you want a relationship rather than just a date or two.

What do you want?

You essentially have these choices:
If you want connection, to have a special woman in your life and to have a sexual relationship as part of your relationship with her, you are going to have to date. That's just how it works.

If you want a FWB you will still have to get to know a woman, establish a level of trust and communication, usually as friends and that may mean essentially dating, spending time together.

If all you want is sex, go to a prostitute.

**liminal** · 03-20-2011 02:09 PM

You misunderstood I don't object to one night stands. I don't understand why if the sex is good you would want to stop that's all.

Casual sex is good in my book to.

But a more emotional "fling" is better.

I did nit say that sex should be the primary motivation for dating. There are many reasons to date. I think it's a good enough reason in itself though. Not purely emotionless sex but good sex is a reason in itself to date.

You aren't disagreeing with me are you?

**liminal** · 03-20-2011 02:21 PM

It works that way. But the books I read do not talk about communicating what kind of relationship you want.

They assume you only want a relationship based on every other reason than sex.

A prostitute will probably not be a very satisfying source of sex because she doesn't care about you as a person or at the very least desire to please you and you have in turn no desire to please her which makes things even less fun.

**ItsASecret** · 03-20-2011 02:38 PM

I don't understand why if the sex is good you would want to stop that's all.

One night stands are just the one night, pretty much meet someone in the bar take them home have sex and leave the next morning. That is the one night stand. The sex can be great to some people, boring to others there is no way of course to find out if it will be good to begin with but all that matters with a one night stand is that it flat out happens. People that choose to continually want to have one night stands believe they should not stop just like you said, they just keep finding a new person each time so that they can keep having sex. If it turns out to be good then awesome great, if it turns out to be not as good as other times than they just say okay and move onto the next person. Its just a cycle they choose to go through.

Casual sex is good in my book to.

If someone has a friends with benefits relationship for example then casual sex can definitely be good, if they agree to the casual sex they obviously think it is also a good idea to have casual sex.

But a more emotional "fling" is better.

The thing with a "fling" and emotion is that they are not always synonymous. You can meet someone in a bar, have a fling with them but have no emotional connection to them because the sex part is all that matters you know? Or you can have a friend with benefits when the fling is merely a point of convenience and they do not have a true emotional connection in the sense of love. And you can also have a relationship and have a raunchy fling type night, you two love each other so you have that emotional connection and yet you can still treat the night as though it were a fling. Lots of possibilities. But many people will certainly agree with you that having that emotional aspect makes things so much better.

I think it's a good enough reason in itself though. Not purely emotionless sex but good sex is a reason in itself to date.

Everyone wants good sex, why wouldn't they? lol But when you date there is no way to tell whether or not the sex would be good. You could date 50 women and the sex with all of them turns out to be a shrug of the shoulders, you feel no real connection with the women like you had hoped and the sex turns out to not be very good...or you could date one woman find out that this girl has a bigger emotional aspect on you than you could ever imagine and the sex could be amazing. Or you could find that absolutely amazing woman that you never expected to get such strong emotions for and the quality of sex ends up being less than what you thought it would be for whatever reason. You just never know walking into a date. That is why they say do not put a focus on the sex. It is all trial and error.

They assume you only want a relationship based on every other reason than sex.

Because that is what most people are looking for. For most people the dating is a way for them to find what they long for, a companion, a lover, a possible soul mate, someone that loves them for who they are and so on. The sex comes after they find that special person in most cases. That is why so many books will just mention the reasons other than sex because the book is trying to focus on how to find that special person to begin with. If you want to find books that deal with dating and sex you will just have to google, try the google books section rather than just broad searching in the main search engine. Check out your library as well, if you can just take a book out from the library it saves yourself having to spend money on the book that may turn out to be what you did not want. Just keep looking around

**Mighty Grasshopper** · 03-20-2011 03:38 PM

i think you bought the wrong books. The authors may be targeting a different market.

**WildChild** · 03-20-2011 04:22 PM