Boyfriend texting an ex...again.

**cinbuns** · 03-21-2011 10:42 PM

Hey, I got some great advice on here before so here I am again!

Ok, I've been dating my boyfriend for ~ 2 1/2 years. We had a lot of issues in the beginning with him being on "adult friend finder" & other similar sites, as well as issues with an ex. Well, he stopped all of that & after about a year, everything seemed to clear up & we were doing well. Last May, I found a (locked, I might note) text on his phone from another ex from 5 years ago, who I will call J. J had said, "Come down, let's *EDIT*." She lives in Florida & we're in NC, so I knew they hadn't actually met. After a huge fight, he finally admitted that he saved it because it "excited him". Hm. He then said he would cut off all contact with her.

Well, he moved in with me in December. When he first moved in, I saw that he still looked at both J's and the initial ex's facebook pages. I was angry but it did not turn into a huge fight.

Now, this Saturday, he went out drinking with his friends while I was at home sick with a migraine. He came back at 4 am (per usual) and passed out. I looked at his phone today and saw that he had saved a picture that she had sent him under "my pictures" on Saturday night. It was just a pic of J at the gym, who had obviously been working out & had gotten abs. He saved it on his phone & had sent it to an old friend from high school, but he deleted all other contact he had with her. His friend had said that she must be "really tight", but that's all I could find that was not deleted.

So, obviously he is still contacting the ex. I know I shouldn't have looked through his phone, but I was curious to see what he had done this weekend. I started to cry but then thought you know, I've been through so much with him, I don't know if I can cry anymore.

Please give me advice on what I should do. I know he's going to be angry at me for looking through the phone, and he has a great way of turning our fights into things that I've done wrong, let alone the lies he is trying to cover up. I feel betrayed and like there is so much he isn't telling me, and that he still wants to be with this ex. Is this cheating, although not physical? Why is he doing this to me?

What should I say or do? Please help- I am at a loss for what to say to him.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-22-2011 06:33 AM

At the very least it's a non-productive pattern of behavior exhibited by your BF.

Is it cheating? IMO - YES it is cheating, as I believe there is emotional, mental and physical cheating. Cheating is cheating.

As for going through his phone...what's the big deal....unless he has something to hide? The woman I am nuts about is welcome, and she knows this, to go through my phone, e-mail and FB anytime she desires. I have nothing to hide.

Men who get angry when you do or don't want/allow you to go through their stuff (mentioned above) have something to hide - IMO.

You have some things to think about and some tough decisions to make IMO.

**WildChild** · 03-22-2011 10:01 AM

I agree with Seeker on this, the anger, the hiding things and trying to make it your fault, are signs of someone up to things they know they shouldn't be. Sounds like he is immature- not really a man yet emotionally.

The guy I'm seeing knows my fairly recent ex, knows that we are still friends and do talk once in a while. He doesn't have a problem withit because I am open about it. I know that there are women he has been friends with since school days (in our case that is before you were born) some of them he dated in the past, I don't have a problem with that because he is open about it. If he had wanted to be with one them he would have been. Those people for both of us are, been there, done that, done with it.

It sounds like your bf has been there, done that and isn't done with it.
Why do you want to be with someone you cannot trust?

**clare** · 03-22-2011 01:16 PM

As wildchild said, what do you want with a man you can't trust? IMO the whole basis of a relationship comes down to trust. You can't be happy if you don't trust the other person because you can't feel safe and secure.

Perhaps some sort of counselling might be an idea? To help you get to the bottom of what is going with him. But at the end of the day it doesn't sound like you're happy and it doesn't sound like he's trustworthy, so what do you really want?

**cinbuns** · 03-23-2011 01:39 PM

I talked to him about it and found out that it was the other way around- the guy friend had sent it to him, not the other way around. My bf still had it saved on his phone, though. He claims he never talks to her anymore, but then said that he looks at her page because he is still interested in her life and what she is doing. Is this normal? I do not care for any of my exes at all. He told me that I am a (Edit) psychotic " and that I am too controlling. Am I being over the line?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-23-2011 03:21 PM

He's the one that is controlling, verbally abusive

If he had nothing to hide, then he would say, "sorry honey, I didn't realise it would upset you that much, I'll delete them and not contact her, you are my world".

Sounds more like you are "there" and he will do what ever he wants to and in that, try to do the blame game back onto you all the time so you feel it's your fault.....

**clare** · 04-12-2011 08:00 AM

Well looking at ex's profiles is completely normal these days - so many people look at the profiles of ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, ex-schoolmates - it's just the natural human trait of being nosey!

**spurzzz** · 04-12-2011 10:25 AM

"His friend had said that she must be "really tight"
------------------------------------------------------

What on earth is he still doing talking about his ex with his friend for? Why is the ex still the main topic of the conversation?

If the Ex wasn't a problem it wouldn't be in your conversations so much.......it obviously is so there must be something going on

It is a very tricky subject when dealing with the whole ex partner issues but it depends on the couple having a strong bond of trust and love. You guys obviously do not and your fella doesn't seem to be willing to make the steps necessary to put things right.

You are waiting to catch him in the act and it doesn't work like that. If you keep finding things always to do with the Ex then that is your answer.

For me, once a relationship gets to this stage and both parties are not willing to put the effort in and making things right............then it is time to call it a day.
Think about it, if you keep playing fiddle, he will continue to do as he wishes because he knows you are the weak type. Don't let anyone mess you around hun, especially someone you are in a relationship with.

**missgrape** · 04-12-2011 01:23 PM

If I saw some girl was sending pics to my man I would flip out on the both of them - she is still clearly into your boyfriend, and ifg your boyfriend REALLY cared about you he would tell her to EFF OFF! Now was that *edit* in her text her asking him to have sex? If so, that's even more iunnappropriate than sending a pic of her abs for god sakes. UGH. Kick him to the curb!