bf checking my email & stuff

**kunoichi** · 03-24-2011 03:21 AM

Long story short: We've been together for a couple of years, and everything's been okay usually... except him checking my email messages, forum posts (he'll eventually read this too, but I honestly don't care anymore), chat log files etc., which led to huge arguments.

Long version: I only noticed him doing this a few months ago, but I think he was probably doing it for the whole time. I changed my passwords, but the forum posts are public and I don't want to stop posting there and I don't feel good about this. I don't want to hide anything from him, but him stalking me makes me feel really uncomfortable... I sometimes talk to some (internet) friends I have been knowing for a few years about random problems we'd have in the relationship before I'd actually talk to him about them... to somehow clear my mind up, to hear an opinion from the outside, you know. But sometimes he would read the chat logs before I'd actually talk to him and then we'd get into these really long and insane arguments.
I really don't know what to do. He is a great guy, but this "detail" makes me want to kick puppies.

I must admit I have done it too. We kept arguing for more than half of year... going on and off... anyway first time I did this he used to talk to this girl (common, real life friend) and when I came around the PC, he'd close the window. I thought it was strange, so next morning I looked the chat log up and noticed that exactly that chat was missing from the list. After insisting that the IM program had an "error", even though the other files from the same day were there (jesus, did he think I was THAT stupid), he eventually admit that he was talking with her. I never found out what it was about exactly, but he told me he just discussed some problems in our relationship with her. (Is this some kind of a revenge? Looked like that)
Anyway, the second time I thought he talked a bit too much with this girl, and, again, looked at the chat logs, but I didn't find anything messed up so I just stopped doing this crazy sh*t. I eventually found out that he used to chat with her in another program but I don't care anymore anyway. It's just messed up and crazy to do that.

Anyway, there is more.
We had a huge argument a couple of months ago when he threatened me he would post vids of me on the internet... So I came to his place, got back together, next morning I deleted all the videos. He found out, kicked me out telling me that I betrayed his trust. Double standards much? Apparently, it's not betraying to check email messages and chat logs and blackmail your girlfriend about posting vids of her on the internet, but, apparently, it is betraying if she dares to delete the videos she's just been threatened about. WTF?
I never got over this. I probably never will. Most messed up day of my life. But we worked it out, somehow.

Now he found out I deleted another picture (of me) I found and saw a message he didn't like on a forum and he's really, really mad at me again. That post was really generic anyway and it really wasn't offending in any way, but he's still mad at me for some reason. When I ask him to explain he's like "nevermind" or "you really DON'T understand?", which makes me wonder if I really need this relationship... It's just a forum, I have been posting there before we would date, I don't want to give up on things I enjoy doing so he wouldn't get mad at me.

So right now I am just sitting here staring at the walls wondering what in the world I should do. We may sound batsh*t insane - we could be, who knows - but right now I have absolutely no idea what I should do. I like him, so so much... but if only he should stop doing this stuff... It's messed up.

One more thing: His ex-gf used to read his chat logs even after they broke up and I am pretty sure this has something to do with her... but he told me it's just "cheap psychology". Is it, really?

PS: Sorry for the enormous post, but there are so many things going through my mind right now I feel my head will explode.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-24-2011 03:33 AM

We had a huge argument a couple of months ago when he threatened me he would post vids of me on the internet... So I came to his place, got back together, next morning I deleted all the videos. He found out, kicked me out telling me that I betrayed his trust.

Seriously? After he threatened to use the videos, he says you betrayed his trust?

Yeah na, you were smart and he felt stupid as you made up so you could get rid of them....

Yes, he may have issues over his ex and what she did, but realised that he can do it to so is doing it, but he's putting the blame game on you...

You didn't say you "love him, he is your all" you said I like him...it is messed up..

You belong to yourself, no one should snoop, invade, if he's insecure get out there and change that a woman should not have to suffer, in a relationship...

Following her every move? Word? Forum? To him, your stalking man, and you need trust, full stop.

CW

**kunoichi** · 03-24-2011 03:48 AM

I didn't make up with him just to delete those videos, I really thought that things would get better between us... I do believe he is not an evil person and he probably wouldn't hurt me... but the thoughts about the night before kept haunting me so I just deleted them to make sure nothing like that ever happens again. I should have probably waited for him to wake up and discuss about it and delete them together, but I was scared he'd say "no" and threaten me about them again. For some reason, he could never understand my fears...

Yesterday I did love him, right before he'd get upset over that post I made on a forum... but right now... I don't know, I don't know what to do or what I want. I really thought that things are gonna work out. I really wish there could be a way for him to understand what I am feeling about the whole relationship. I wish I could make him read all this without him getting mad, I know he can understand me if he wants to, but I feel he's just being selfish sometimes.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-24-2011 03:58 AM

Threats are not part of a good relationship...................

And, you are wanting him to understand because you believe he will read this Forum thread.

He threatened to use a video, then when deleting he said, you betrayed his trust, didn't he betray yours? By threatening?

**kunoichi** · 03-24-2011 04:48 AM

I actually hope he won't do that, but I can't say I would be surprised if he does it.

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

He threatened to use a video, then when deleting he said, you betrayed his trust, didn't he betray yours? By threatening?

That's what I told him and each time he would tell me not to turn the argument around him. ?! I can't really say anything against that.

I know that he isn't a bad person... I just think he tends to act silly when an argument is turned against him... and I can't say I'm any brighter either... I think we both have trust issues and that's our main problem. If things will turn out better, I think we should try to get to a compromise: I'll stop talking about whatever bothers him on the internet and he will stop checking my history files. We're just gonna have to trust eachother since there's no way to find out if we're lying unless we spy one other. Sounds good in theory.

**spurzzz** · 03-24-2011 04:59 AM

Yes, the wonderful era of a love/hate relationship............been there!

My ex was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which if you do not know about is very hard to live with/experience. I went through everything you described and more. Reading your post suggests to me you both seem to live off the adrenaline, the highs and lows, the unexpected. Did you not say that you did it to him first? Do not kid yourself into thinking you went back solely for love ------- it was part of the game to delete those pictures.

I have been there and done what you have done. So I make my judgement from your text. Your actions are along the same peg as his, paranoia breeds paranoia. Do you really think that you both will lead the rosy cosy life that you are talking about? It is not what your relationship is all about, its about the high and that will always be there.

So make a decision and stick with it. Are you going to stay, knowing the drama will probably never go away. The longer you leave it, the worse and harder it will be to leave. - Or - Do you Leave now and get yourself better. Then find that person who you so desire.

I am by no means saying that you cannot make this relationship work, we have only heard your side of the argument and not his, so I cannot make a comment on who I think is right or wrong But I can say that if you want it to work some sort of tough decision will have to be made. Professional help may be needed for him to deal with his paranoia. Either that or he needs to come off the "stuff" which is normally the case.

**kunoichi** · 03-24-2011 05:35 AM

Thank you for the replies, guys

Originally Posted by spurzzz

Did you not say that you did it to him first?

Actually he was the one looking through my stuff... long before I did those things. :/

Originally Posted by spurzzz

Do not kid yourself into thinking you went back solely for love ------- it was part of the game to delete those pictures.

Honestly, I did think we were going to be ok again. But there was something in the back of my head that kept bugging me so I just had to delete those files. Just to make sure nothing like "you're gonna be an internet porn star" will ever happen again. Did I think he was going to be upset when he'd find out? Obviously. But I never thought he would be so mad he'll actually kick me out of the flat and threaten me again. Later that day he apologized and he seemed to be truly sorry. We managed to work it out and things went well for a while.

We've had some great moments together and I think this relationship is worth another try... but only if he really wants it too. And we're gonna have to do some serious talking.

I'm not sure about the BPD thing though, but I will read about it.

**kunoichi** · 03-24-2011 05:45 AM

Oh also, things have been alright for the first year-and-a-half/two years... Little, if none arguments. Somethings must have triggered it and I have no idea why because he's not telling me anything and he prefers to bursts out whenever I do something he doesn't like.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-24-2011 06:46 AM

A relationship? Really? I don't see it. I see a battle, conflict, lots of arguing/fighting, emotional and mental games being played but that's about it.

Don't EVER allow erotic videos or pics of yourself to be taken unless you CONTROL them. I hope you learned your lesson about this.

The fact that he would threaten to expose you/them as a means of getting to you should be a RED FLAG ! If nothing else, then about an extreme lack of maturity and/or sensitivity towards you.

His dramatic change over the last part of your relationship compared to the "....things have been alright..." for the first part of the relationship is a RED FLAG!! Something is going on...

If you're serious about BPD, read Stop Walking On Eggshells, it's a really good book on the subject.

At what point in your association with this guy was it ever "fabulous" marvelous" "wonderful" or "terrific"? I didn't read anywhere about those feelings....

**spurzzz** · 03-24-2011 06:49 AM

Most relationships are good for sometime before we get to see things in a different light. It seems common now not to have any trust, not just in a relationship but in anything we do, it is almost plugged into out brains to be this way now and it is sad.

Best, Best thing a couple can do is talk. If you can master the art of talking to your partner about anything that is bothering you and you both are willing to solve the situation at hand out...........then your on your way
If a partner is unwilling to show any signs of commitment to work on things then your answer could lie with their actions.

It is when we hide things/concerns/worries/problems that make things worse..

"Actions speak louder then words right?" ----- Now, if only I could pull that off as Arnold Schwarzenegger would!