bf pinches me randomly, likes rough sex

**beachbunny** · 04-05-2011 07:16 PM

Dating this guy for 4 months, we're both in our 30's and emotionally/financially secure. Never dated someone who has physically hurt me before - he pinches me (when I pointed it out, he said he didn't realize he was doing it, like when we're laying on the couch). Then the other day, I made him mad and he pinched me hard. I said "ouch" and he quickly kissed me because he knew he made a mistake. I'm not ok with this. Another issue is he likes rough sex. He'll pull my hair, hold me down, throw me around a little bit. At first, it was exciting to me and I was curious about it. Now, it does nothing for me and something feels "off." I realize I could talk to him about the pinching and the rough sex... which I will have to do if I stick around. I am interested in hearing other women's opinions if these are signs that he could be abusive in the future. I have no experience with physically abusive relationships, but it seems like the pinching could be a warning sign... (the rough sex, I know is normal to some people so I don't neccessarily think that is a sign of an abuser). THanks for reading this...

**Mes T** · 04-05-2011 07:26 PM

The pinching thing is definitely worrying. If it were always a playful thing, I'd just say that he's not aware of his own strength and just needs to be told to lay off a bit. HOWEVER, you made him mad once and he PURPOSEFULLY pinched to hurt? Not okay. Definitely, definitely red flag.

Rough sex... I don't know if he can be blamed for that UNLESS you actually VOICE your opinion. If you're just kind of going along with it every time, then it can give the impression that you like it - he can't read your mind. So, have a talk with him about what kind of sex you do and don't like, and see how he reacts.

Honestly though, that one phrase about him pinching you when he got mad... really makes me uneasy.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-05-2011 09:33 PM

As for the rough sex... if he's doing it that way EVERY single time, that would get old really fast... just be open and honest about the fact that you like to do it gently and sensually too and maybe you guys can compromise that. The pinching thing COULD be him just testing your pain threshold... being playful etc... IF it wasn't for the fact that he did it when you made him mad. Him causing you physical pain as a punishment to you upsetting him -- is abuse. And anyone that has been through a physically abusive relationship knows that it generally doesn't start with a blow to the face...

Its very subtle at first, grabbing an arm hard, a shove, a push... it escalates as they see how much you will tolerate and still be there with them in the morning.

I would be very very cautious with this man, to keep your heart gaurded -- if you have not fallen in love with him yet... don't allow yourself to drop that wall -- because I think its a lot harder (yet obviously possible) to let go once you are taken in.

It maybe something, it may be nothing. You seem like an educated, confident woman that will not be treated like a dog by some guy with something to prove by beating on a woman -- so I don't see you allowing this to get further than its gotten without walking... no reason to jump the gun if you think he's a good guy, but date him with your EYES open, by that I mean -- take notice of him when things upset him -- does he overreact? Does he raise his voice or bang things around? If he starts behaving in any more patterns that make you notice he is trying to physically hurt you because he is upset... its time to pack it in.

**kira** · 04-05-2011 09:35 PM

A friend was dating someone like that. One day while she was driving he was playing with a thumbtack and not even realizing what he was doing he jammed it in to her leg. The result was not good. There's something not quite right about people who do such things without thinking about it or noticing. I would run the other way. You never quite know what they are capable of.

**Seeker_Advice** · 04-06-2011 07:30 AM

It's all based on your perception IMO.

If you perceive it to be rough, then it is...

I don't buy that he didn't know that he was pinching you in the example you gave...that's bunk!..and a warning sign IMO.

If you don't like "rough sex" or don't get anything out of it, then stop doing it.

If he persists, show him the door BEFORE you fall for this guy.

It's as good as it's going to get...right now. Is that acceptable to you?

**rcoreyus** · 04-06-2011 08:55 AM

Rough play is fine but ONLY if both enjoy it. Next time be clear about what you don't like - if he keeps doing it anyway, then get out. Its important though that you be clear and not expect him to read your mind. If sometimes you like rough sex, sometimes not, you need to be sure he knows what you want at the time.

Something about this feels off to me - maybe its the pinching which isn't really sexual. Not sure why but his behavior makes me uneasy.

**rhiannon34** · 04-06-2011 11:44 PM

My recent ex liked rough sex a lot. He got off to the whole pain and degrading thing in bed, but was nothing like that outside the bedroom, and in almost 2 years was never physically violent outside of sex. I just finally realized he had a sadistic sexual fetish, and I didn't. So we just didn't mesh sexually. Move on.

**SaharaJim** · 04-07-2011 03:26 PM

????? "he could be abusive in the future"? Replace pinch with bite or slap- he is hurting you now. He seeks to disavow any responsibility for his own actions. Now "YOU made HIM mad"? You are responsible for his emotions? And he responds by deliberately hurting you then immediately "apologises". Classic abuser cr*p. Listen to what your "gut" is telling you. (And the collective gut of the other posters here). As for "rough sex" there is a world of difference between being "aggressively passionate" and deliberately hurting your partner. I think you should get out now.