last effort on a great relationship :(

**bbydede** · 04-10-2011 01:32 PM

I have a great guy who loves me very much and wants to get married. We have been together almost 3 years and I think he is my soulmate. We have so much fun together and he treats me great with one exception we cannot get past.....6 months ago I left him and moved back into my parent's house due to our one and only problem: some of his friends are complete assholes. They talk trash about everybody, borrow large sums of money they can't repay, and always get in fights and are constantly doing bad things... drinking heavily and lots of drugs. He has known these people since childhood so it doesn't seem likely the friendships can be broken.

One of his friends actually tried to fight me when he was drunk and my boyfriend had to jump in and hold him back. They are horrible people and say horrible things about their best friends. One time they were being so nasty my boyfriend told them to stop saying about their best girlfriend (and maid of honor in their future wedding) and they kept going for so long I had a sit down conversation with them about it, but it still didn't stop. So a day later they were still saying horrific trash and I finally yelled at them to stop. This couple got in my face and said "just who do you think you are" and "no, were not apologizing to her, she already knows what we say" etc. The girl almost hit me, I was really scared. A few days later when they got back to their town they put nasty lies about me on the internet and called me a bunch of nasty names and told everyone that I yelled at them for no reason and I was crazy.

My boyfriend ignored them for about 6 months and then slowly started seeing them again. Of course they were really nice to him. We kept fighting about it because every time he hangs out with them I get really hurt and upset. In my eyes, he shouldn't be hanging out with people who tried to fight me or can't even apologize for what they did or said. He always got mad and told me to just get over it but my beliefs will not allow me to do that. I just can't let that kind of malicious behavior go. Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but that is a little too hurtful for me to just dismiss. No one should EVER compromise my safety. I really believe they are bad people inside. If someone had done this and approached me with an apology a few weeks later, maybe I could forgive... But its been 2 years and never have they done a single nice or positive thing for me or our relationship or apologized for the lies they told about me.

I get so hurt inside lately because I am 350 miles away and he just won't get the message. He sees them every 2 weeks and usually stays at their house now. How can someone who loves you keep knowingly hurting you like that? He keeps sending me I love you messages and visits me every month or so. He graduates in 8 months but I am so stressed and upset about this that I do not think I can wait that long and put up with this to see if he moves here. Is it wrong for me to ask him to choose between them and me? I do not feel I can coexist with these people again. And I definitely do not feel that they deserve to be at our wedding or even around me after the way they have treated me. Should I have to share him? I'm not even sure if I should continue this relationship with as much stress as this is putting on me.

Thank you for the help.

**Seeker_Advice** · 04-10-2011 01:50 PM

Is it wrong for me to ask him to choose between them and me?

I don't know that it's wrong or right. My question to you is, are you prepared to accept and deal with, one way or the other, the answer you receive?

I would suspect that if you give your man an ultimatum like that, if he really loves you, he will say that he's "picked" you over his friends. However, remember that history is a solid indicator of future performance, so keep his recent history in mind.

As for what has gone on with you and some of his friends in the past, their girlfriends, or whoever...YOU need to forgive them. Forgiveness is not for them but for you. When you forgive someone for something they have done or said to you, you free yourself from the pain of carrying negative feelings or thoughts around.

Forgiveness = Freedom for YOU.

**jns** · 04-10-2011 02:42 PM

Some people just cling to their friends, even through boorish behavior. Others would drop dear friends in a heartbeat if the relation was serious for this type of behavior. Unfortunately I do not have a good way of differentiating between the two before you two commit. I think the act of committing causes some people to choose different sides very strongly. Others still maintain relations with relatives and friends that over time may be damaging to a relationship with a SO. I have to agree with SA that you should take note of his track record.

**Mes T** · 04-10-2011 04:17 PM

I think the friends we keep is a good indication of who we are... Maybe he's not that great of a guy, if that's the kind of people he hangs out with?

Is it possible for him to remain friends with them, but make sure they don't come over to YOUR house, or whatever, and essentially stay out of your way?

Anyway to answer your original question, given the circumstances, I don't think it's wrong of you to ask him to choose. Sometimes people do this when there's not really anything wrong with their partner's friends, which can be seen as controlling and a worry. But I think your case is completely different.

**KMonte85** · 04-11-2011 02:24 PM

Originally Posted by bbydede

I have a great guy who loves me very much and wants to get married.

One of his friends actually tried to fight me when he was drunk and my boyfriend had to jump in and hold him back.

The girl almost hit me, I was really scared.

My boyfriend ignored them for about 6 months and then slowly started seeing them again. Of course they were really nice to him. We kept fighting about it because every time he hangs out with them I get really hurt and upset. In my eyes, he shouldn't be hanging out with people who tried to fight me or can't even apologize for what they did or said. He always got mad and told me to just get over it but my beliefs will not allow me to do that. I just can't let that kind of malicious behavior go.

He sees them every 2 weeks and usually stays at their house now.

He keeps sending me I love you messages and visits me every month or so.

I have a major problem with this scenario, and I think you should too. I'm glad to see that you're not sitting idly by without questioning what his actions mean for your relationship with him.

These people have been terrible to you, they've threatened or attempted physical harm on you. This is no small issue. These people tried to HURT YOU. And now your boyfriend, who says he loves you and wants to make you his wife, thinks you should just get over it and be okay with those same people remaining in his (and by default YOUR) life? He's spending more time with them than he is with you? Where the heck is his loyalty to you?

No, I do not think an ultimatum is a bad choice in this instance. If these people remain a part of your lives, there is a real chance that one or both of you will get hurt in some way - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, etc. It is his responsibility to make proper choices for your future if he is serious about your relationship going forward.

There should also be some thought put in on your part, about how serious you want to be with a man who has given you no other option than to make ultimatums between you and people who are harmful and (it seems) pretty deranged. Longtime friends or not, this is a red flag.

**WildChild** · 04-11-2011 04:05 PM

Some old sayings are nonsense but many relate enduring truths. What comes to my mind is the saying that you are judged by the company you keep.

This man voluntarily associates with these people. He must find their behavior acceptable. Unless you are willing to tolerate a lifetime of this you had best do some serious thinking about what you are willing to live with in your life.

**missgrape** · 04-11-2011 05:18 PM

Would you put up with your man hitting you? I hope not. Would you get over your man hitting you? No, I am sure you would not. Therefore why the should you get over his friends being violent to you? I am totally with you. He needs to make a clear choice.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-12-2011 05:04 PM

The question I would be asking, is why hang out with drug addicts, thieves, twice a month ,times that by the next 8 months and you have to question if he is also participating and if that is really the life you want, in your future...

**clare** · 04-14-2011 09:24 AM

This is a really tricky situation and I feel for you, I really do. However, as other people have mentioned, it's the sayings such as 'you are who you hang with' and if he sees these people so regularly, are you sure that he's not involved in the same stuff they are?

I mean you say they've been friends for years, but even the oldest friends grow apart if their interests become too different, so if friends have stayed friends, it's probably because they're still quite alike.

In regards to the ultimatum, perhaps you should - but I don't know, it's a really difficult one.

However, if you do choose to give him an ultimatum, you must prepare yourself for the fact that the outcome might not be the one you hoped for.

**MarkT** · 04-14-2011 09:51 AM

From a guy's point of view, I wouldn't let ANY of my friends act that way in front of my wife or even a girlfriend. It would stop my friendships very fast. As far as the drugs- RUN away from that as soon and as far as possible. Yes, I would give him an ultimatum. You will be better off in the long run to be away from "those" kinds of friends. Add a baby to the mix, that isn't something I'd want a child to go through. Just my opinion, but it would be me or the highway, no question. If the drugs are around and you're in there and the place gets busted, there goes your record. I know, I've been in your shoes- roles reversed. I got the heck out of there and never looked back. If that had been on my record, I would have never been allowed to work at a nuclear facility anywhere. I was given that opportunity a few years back and was able to make fantastic paychecks. Think of your future and the rest will be crystal clear as to what you should do.