boyfriend and exes

**D.D** · 04-10-2011 07:08 PM

I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for over a year and a half, everything is great, except for the exes issues.

my bf gets jealous of my exes, its quiet normal, but i respect my exes so much, because they were so nice to me, and when my bf speaks trash of them (bcuz of jealousy) i get upset and tell him not to talk that way about them, and it drives him mad thinking i'm defending them.
i asked him how would he feel if after we break up another guy would tell me that my ex was an idiot, and i stand there mouth closed ?
he said that this would be completely normal.

should i really just close my mouth? shouldn't i show some respect to the people i spent time with in the past?

**Mes T** · 04-10-2011 07:16 PM

Ah interesting...

Why not just stop bringing up exs in your conversations?

I can see both sides of this situation. You're upset because him talking trash about a person you chose to spend time with is in a round-about way sort of like talking trash about YOU. The type of people who we chose to have in our lives (exs, friends, acquantainces, etc) is a reflection of us, so, him saying bad things about a former PET GOLDFISH of yours is sort of like saying bad things about YOU.

On the other hand, me being the slightly jealous type, I can definitely see your boyfriend's POV. You defending your exs can be seen as you still having some kind of feelings for them. Because once we're "over" someone, it's like we should be "indifferent" to them as well. Someone bashes them or not, it's none of our concern.

The way your boyfriend acts is not uncommon.

And clearly he's crazy about you, too. So just leave the exs out of your conversations. If they get brought up somehow, change the subject. Problem solved.

If he goes on to talk trash about your friends, or family, or you, then that would be an actual issue.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-10-2011 07:24 PM

No. I think you do not need to defend the honour of your exes to your current boyfriend. You don't need to bad mouth them (you shouldn't really be talking about them at all... in my opinion) but if he has a vent about them -- just accept that as how he feels and move on to a subject that does not involve your exes. Does he bring them up out of the blue or are you the one that brings them up? If you are talking about them -- its probably upsetting to him and causing him to react the way he is..

As for you throwing in the well... if you become my ex i won't let anyone else bad mouth you!! Is no comfort to someone that is currently with you as they don't want to think of themselves purely a future ex boyfriend.

**jns** · 04-10-2011 07:45 PM

I think jealousy such as that is unattractive. It would make me look further to see if the jealousy was out of control. At the same time it is saying something about you for going with such a guy. Talking behind someone's back is also unattractive.

**D.D** · 04-11-2011 04:04 AM

thanks a lot for the replies

to answer your questions, noone brings them up out of the blue, but for example, yesterday we met 2 of my exes by mistake in less than 24 hours, which made my boyfriend uncomfortable so he started saying mean stuff. and one day for example i was cleaning my room and he was helping me and he found a box of souvenirs that had a lot of things in it including silly stuff from exes, which made us talk about them too... so thats mainly how it happens.

As for you throwing in the well... if you become my ex i won't let anyone else bad mouth you!! Is no comfort to someone that is currently with you as they don't want to think of themselves purely a future ex boyfriend.

of course you're right, but thats not how it happened, i used my words carefully, plus, he knows so well how i feel about that, because i never saw him as a future ex boyfriend.

On the other hand, me being the slightly jealous type, I can definitely see your boyfriend's POV. You defending your exs can be seen as you still having some kind of feelings for them. Because once we're "over" someone, it's like we should be "indifferent" to them as well. Someone bashes them or not, it's none of our concern.

you're probably right, i find it weird that he talks that way about them when i never say anything about his exes, but thats probably due to the fact that im not the jealous type...

If he goes on to talk trash about your friends, or family, or you, then that would be an actual issue.

nothing to worry about here, he's great.

**Seeker_Advice** · 04-11-2011 07:42 AM

Sounds like insecurity and jealousy to me.

Interesting comment you made "...after we broke up..."

I've never understood why so many feels it's necessary and appropriate to trash our past for the 'benefit' of our current.

**missgrape** · 04-12-2011 02:09 PM

I would say if the topic of exes comes up just say you don't feel its necessary to discuss them at all. Or if you find stuff from your ex, put it away somewhere he won't see, or just say "its from highschool friends"... Just redirect the situation.

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