He is hot and then he is cold. help :)

**HotandCold** · 04-18-2011 02:06 AM

Sorry, but this is going to be kind of long..
I have known my bf for 8 months now.we met through mutual friends. I am 25 and he is 28 yrs old. We have broken up once and gotten back together again. This time we have been dating for 2 months. The last time when he broke up with me, he gave reasons such as me not being there as a girlfriend. He would go out with his guy friends for drinks and always wanted me to accompany him even though he knew that I wasn't a very outgoing kind of girl. He also claimed that we had extremely different interests and that we had different priorities so therefore we are just not alike or and the ever so classic excuse of his mum who doesn't even know me doesn't like me. After the breakup, we saw each other in school as we had same classes together. I was picking myself up and was doing fine even though i was pretty much hurt and devastated. About 2 months ago, he told me that he still cannot seem to forget me and that he would like us to get back together again. He told me that we would make it work and that even though, he isn't a very emotional person, he would learn how to communicate with me and that he sees us going strong in the future. Placing the ball into my court, he asked if i wanted to get back. Still being in love with him, i said yes. We went on fine, i adjusted myself and accompanied him out when he went out with his friends,and we could talk and share our feelings. After a month, things started to fall back to what they were initially, even though we still communicated, i could feel the distance that was forming. Each time, i tried to make the bond stronger, he was always there placing a barrier to resist it. We spend a lot of time in school around friends, but whenever I asked him out on a date alone, he would hesitate and make plans to go out with me with a group of friends. Finally, one day, i decided to tell him how i really felt and that i am actually really falling in love with him, and to my expected surprise, he told me that he "likes me" but can never "love me" and that he sees no future with me. He tells me that he doesn't want to break up but I am free to leave when I find someone that is willing to love me. We still contact each other, but I really don't know what to do? Is my boyfriend afraid of commitment or he is just playing games with me? Why did he get back to me again the last time when he knew that he is never going to be able to see a future with me?

**spurzzz** · 04-18-2011 03:15 AM

"me not being there as a girlfriend" - " I wasn't a very outgoing kind of girl"

"claimed that we had extremely different interests and we had different priorities"

"his mum doesn't like me"

"he sees us going strong in the future"

"and to my expected surprise, he told me that he "likes me" but can never "love me" and that he sees no future with me"

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Well they do say opposites attract and this is what may be the problem here. You are both still young and of course going through normal emotions of experiencing the varied emotions that a relationship can bring.....with that being said, he sounds like your first BF? In that case I can see why you are falling in love with him but I cannot see why else....

You don't seem to have much in common, most things seem to be a struggle from the word go, different interests and different priorities as quoted by him and his mum doesn't like you? It seems very much so that he is too young to know a serious relationship from the pub..

Your partner was wrong or very confused to say the pair of you will "grow strong" in the better future, all he is doing is lying to the pair of you. The one good thing he has done is be honest about being never able to love you. The bottom line is this is not what he wants, he has made that clear from his actions and his words. Only blood is more clear.

On the basis of what he said on never being able to love you, I would leave him now and save your heart for someone who does appreciate you. Live life, enjoy yourself and do what is true to you and when you do find someone else they will hopefully appreciate you for who you are show you what love can be about.

Don't fall into this "game trap", I have been there, done that and it only ends up in heartache. Actions speak louder then words and his are up there with Micheal Jordans.

Best of luck.

**HotandCold** · 04-18-2011 03:35 AM

thanks spurzzz

unfortunately he is not my first bf. he is my 2nd. My previous one i had for 5 years. I think its hard for me to let go off him because initially he portrayed being all that i ever wanted.

I pretty curious, on why he tells me that he would miss me still and that during conversations he would try to rectify whatever he said about us the other day.

Maybe it's true, I am choosing not to accept the answer that is right infront of me.

Thank you

**spurzzz** · 04-18-2011 04:07 AM

No worries.

It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants or loves the games too much........in that case buy him a ps3 and a picture of you attached to it, at least that way he will waste his own time and not yours too.

Know what you want and accept nothing less unless there is effort involved from both parties.

**Seeker_Advice** · 04-18-2011 07:28 AM

Never settle for less than you deserve.

Do you deserve this? Nope. Then leave, break up, stop seeing him or whatever.

He keeps coming back becuse he know he can...because you allow/enable his behavior.

You deserve better. Go find him.

**WildChild** · 04-18-2011 08:01 AM

My guess is that he told you the truth, he likes you but doesn't love you and isn't going to. He wants an occasional gal pal, a buddy with boobs.
A BF does not have to be a candidate for forever. Part of the purpose of dating should be to get a clearer sense of what you want in your life, to get to better know yourself and other people. Get out of this and get out and really date rather than locking yourself into one guy. Give yourself a chance to find out what you really want in a man.
Oh and have some fun while you're doing it.

**orchiddreams** · 04-21-2011 12:29 PM

Consider yourself lucky, he told you exactly how he feels about you. I don't believe in on and off relationships. There is a reason it ended. You live you learn. At least now you can focus on you and the things you want for your life. you are a smart girl though you will be just fine.

**HotandCold** · 04-24-2011 09:56 AM

thanks for the advice everyone.. in a way it's true that he is honest with his feelings. Count me lucky in that sense. We haven't officially broken up and he has been away for a business trip for the past two weeks. He contacted me and told me that he misses me and will see me once he is back. I didn't initiate any contact while he is away. Is it normal behaviour for one who says I shouldn't be pinning much hope in the relationship to send those signals? What puzzles me is the signals he is giving me now. Please advice? Am I falling into his sweetness trap again? I read a bit online and kind of categorize my boyfriend as an alpha male, if he is one, does it explain why he loses interest in our relationship in the quickest time possible? When the honeymoon period subsides..

**WildChild** · 04-24-2011 11:36 AM

Pursue your own interests, don't be always available, let him work around your needs a bit. Alphas like to be in charge but an emotionally balanced one respects others autonomy. See other people, you don't have to be exclusive, if you have sex with anyone Always practice safe sex. See him now and then.

He may find that he does prefer to with you rather than without you. Let him figure that out, don't put yourself on hold while he does. If he decides he really wants you in his life as more than a friend, he should value you the more, knowing that you have choices and prefer him. When you are desperate for someone, they have the upper hand and don't value the relationship as much because they don't have to make any effort. This is not game playing, in fact it's the opposite. You create the life you want and then find someone who really fits for you and you for them. Then you enhance each other's lives and are a joining of emotional equals.

**HotandCold** · 04-26-2011 04:33 AM

I guess the most important thing is for me to love myself more. I think it's no point pinning on hopes which are most definitely false. It hurts trying to tell myself not to care and not show love to the person, but what good is it to show love to someone who doesn't in any form appreciate it at all? I think only when I am firm on my stand of what I want, he can then see that I am not a girl to mess around with. I have feelings too and they need to be taken care off. I cannot simple carry on worrying about him and neglect the fact that I am not happy in the process. Love hurts.