Depression and Boyfriend Issues

**anonimousey** · 04-18-2011 03:17 PM

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read.

Okay, so a few months ago I got diagnosed with depression, which gave me the answers to why I had been feeling so awful for a really long period of time. Recently, I have been feeling really distant from my boyfriend, (we've been going out for around 10 months, and I've known him for years), like my heart and soul wasn't in anything we did, and like I wasn't really in love with him. We still haven't had sex, or done anything much else, this is just due to never having any alone time, and my nervousness about the whole subject.

I've been completely doubting everything more and more; going from why do I not feel anything when I kiss him, to I must not love him at all. When this hit me, I got really overwhelmed, and argued with myself whether or not to text him about it, eventually I did, and I tried to say everything I felt, but it was really difficult because I hardly know how I feel; he took it better than I thought he would, and a few days later we met and had some alone time to talk, I tried to convey how I felt, but it was really hard, and I got upset; but he said that sometimes he feels the same way. This reassured me, but again sent me doubting everything.

There's also another conflict here, I seem to only be able to get off (I think), to lesbian porn. This terrifies me, I'm worried that because I've watched it from a young age (around puberty), that maybe I've trained myself to only be into that, so it's maybe my 'ideals'. I've never had a relationship with a girl, or kissed a girl, or anything. I don't even think I'm generally sexually attracted to women, I can easily discuss women with my male friends like they would (you know, 'oh, so-and-so is really hot'), that doesn't embarrass me like it would the other girls in my friendship 'circle'. So now I'm including this in my stress: am I feeling this way towards my boyfriend because I'm just not attracted to men? I am attracted to men, I've had a lot of crushes (lads I know and famous men), but my current boyfriend is my first proper boyfriend, he was the first person I have ever kissed, and I wouldn't have wanted it to be with anyone else. While googling this a little bit, I found a girl with the same problem, and someone else answered her saying that its totally okay, and that she's straight, been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a long time, but can only get herself off to lesbian porn. That reassured me a bit at the time, but I still doubt whether this counts for me, too. Male-female porn just doesn't do anything for me, at all. I'm unsure whether this is because it's all just ridiculous, and know that it's just not reality. So is this normal? Are there many women out there who just are only really into lesbian porn but are straight?

I feel absolutely awful anyway, and now I have this tremendous feeling of guilt surrounding me, and I feel pig sick whenever I think about it. It was really difficult having to say to him 'I don't know whether I love you'. Because I don't if I know that's how I really feel, my head is a complete tornado. I feel guilty when I say all of this, so does that mean that in my heart I know I really do love him?
I researched all this of the internet, 'how depression affects relationships', and a lot of it confirmed how I've been feeling, telling me that It's all normal, and a lot of communication is needed to keep things going.

Thanks for reading this, I appreciate all your help.

**Mes T** · 04-18-2011 04:01 PM

Ok I'm on a bit of a time crunch so I don't think I'll be able to answer as fully as I'd like but... first and foremost I think what you are feeling is COMPLETELY NORMAL, and, I'm no expert on depression or anything like that but... I don't even think this necessarily has anything to do with your depression. Lots of people go through what you're going through now, it's normal!

Your heart's not really "in" the relationship, and your boyfriend agrees that sometimes he feels the same way... There's nothing to feel guilty about. Listen to your heart. A relationship has to have "chemistry," doesn't it? Butterfly feelings in the stomach and all those other things?

There's nothing to feel guilty about. If you decide to go your separate ways, you can probably do so in a companionable way, it doesn't have to be an ugly break-up full of tears and bad feelings.

Attractive women are everywhere on TV, magazines, etc, and we're ALL conditioned to find women attractive. Seems like only recently "pretty" men have emerged for us to ogle at, but still, it's hardly even. Women are sex objects, not so much men. It could be that you like lesbian porn for this reason.

Another reason may be that lesbian porn tends to be about lovers being EQUAL, whereas straight porn tends to be about the man humping away while the woman pretends to enjoy it, or even worse, pretends to be asleep/drunk/unconscious!

Is it surprising to you that you don't find this a turn-on? Not surprising to me AT ALL.

The fact that you have strong crushes on men (random guys or celebrities, doesn't matter) tells me that you're, well, into men!

I've had these same doubts before as well, but there's no denying that a girl has never given me the butterflies in my tummy feeling.

**anonimousey** · 04-18-2011 04:12 PM

Thanks for your reply =]

But I don't want to break up with him, at all. Before I got depression our relationship was great, we both make each other laugh a lot, and are very much alike. This bothers me as well though, maybe I just want him as a friend? But then again, I've always been able to see out future together, our wedding, living together, having kids, etc. I'm just so confused about how I feel.

This whole lesbian thing is driving me crazy, I want to talk to him about it, but I think it would leave him feeling like I'm not interested in him at all. I just don't really feel anything for anyone at the moment. I could never talk to my mom about this, although she say's she'd be supportive about anything, she's had a victorian upbringing, and I know wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

I've never had a butterfly feeling in my tummy about another woman, maybe I just find them intriguing. I was always quite curious when I was younger (again, around puberty), watching porn, and exploring myself.

**Mes T** · 04-18-2011 04:40 PM

Sounds like you have a lot to think about, maybe some experimenting to do... I don't think these feelings will go away on their own...

My suggestion would be to talk about it with your boyfriend, I know you're worried about making him feel bad but... Before you have the discussion, just write out your thoughts on a piece of paper somewhere and work out exactly what you want to say and how you want to phrase it. That way you'll be able to say what you mean to during the talk, and not stuff that might just come out in the heat of the moment, ya know?

Why not take a "break" from each other to give yourself some room to think. Who knows, he might be feeling the SAME WAY AS YOU.

Life is about learning, growing...You don't have to deny yourself that.

**evilgothicjenn** · 04-23-2011 12:43 PM

I like VERY little of the straight porn, because it's just... gross. you can't find good ones anymore - without gross hair, bad moaning, fakeness everywhere, anal, "€um-shots" and such... It's so, unreal. 95% of us women aren't going to sprawl out by a pool and scream "yes! please ram a 12ft dildo in my butt!" or something along those lines. Lol. So mostly, I find lesbian porn much more... Comforting, because alot of it is real, and most of it is female orientated.

**evilgothicjenn** · 04-23-2011 12:43 PM

I like VERY little of the straight porn, because it's just... gross. you can't find good ones anymore - without gross hair, bad moaning, fakeness everywhere, anal, "€um-shots" and such... It's so, unreal. 95% of us women aren't going to sprawl out by a pool and scream "yes! please ram a 12ft dildo in my butt!" or something along those lines. Lol. So mostly, I find lesbian porn much more... Comforting, because alot of it is real, and most of it is female orientated.

**FortunsFoole** · 04-23-2011 01:17 PM

Totally in agreement with Mes_T and evilgothicjenn. These can be completely normal feelings. I myself could really care less about straight porn, most of it I've seen makes me feel a little queasy and completely turned off. Like I would feel violated if anyone touched me in a sexual way... I much prefer watching lesbian porn.

One thing is, you were diagnosed with depression, did they put you on medication? For the bit I was on medication a few years back.. it took a lot of guinea-pigging to find one that worked. There was one that at first I literally had to be shoved out of bed in the morning while I was adjusting to it and catch myself falling or I would NOT wake up for work. Others made me feel almost entirely numb.. it was almost worse than the depression. It was like trying to pick between the lesser of two evils. So it's possible the lack of emotion might be related to that if you are medicated... it was easier for me to notice because the effects were so strong... maybe they are a lot milder and feel natural to you?

Maybe it could also stem from the guilt you feel over enjoying lesbian porn? Feelings of guilt and secrecy can shut down so many doors to an open heart and open feelings. When I have to talk about something I'm extremely sensitive about I HAVE to write notes to read while I'm talking. If I don't either my mind goes completely blank or I end up taking the conversation in a direction away from the place I needed to go. I think it's just some self preservation thing my subconscious does. So like Mes_T suggested.. I would write down the things you need to say. I think it would do a world of good for you to be able to talk to your boyfriend about these things. The fact he was so receptive while having a text conversation about your feelings makes me think he will be receptive to hearing about this.

I wouldn't hold back.. just get everything off your chest that's causing these feelings of guilt. It can be such a sickening, overwhelming feeling. Let him in and let go of everything you're holding back.

He sounds like he can be pretty supportive.. so if you want the relationship to continue and to grow... I think this would be a really healthy step. It may be whats holding your emotions back right now.

**spurzzz** · 04-24-2011 02:28 AM

We still haven't had sex, or done anything much else, this is just due to never having any alone time, and my nervousness about the whole subject.

As a couple, the worst thing you can say is that you "don't have time" for anything. That is a poor excuse people tend to use, make time. Your nervousness about the subject is what's the real problem here and that you need to address.

"and argued with myself whether or not to text him about it"

Your definately right with your comment that a lot of communication is needed to keep things going. The best remedy for a couple is to sit down face-to-face and have an open discussion about what their problems/feelings are. If you don't have this in a relationship then problems and worries get bottled up and thats never a good thing. It is good that you both have talked about it but have you thought of solutions to the problem or just left it behind after the topic was over? Actions, Actions, Actions.......

"I just don't really feel anything for anyone at the moment"

You sound like you have a depressive nature and tend to over analyze/worry about things. Have you spoken to anyone about this? You won't be able to have a happy relationship if you yourself are not happy....so concentrate on doing things to improve your mood and general confidence about yourself.

If needs be, take a break from your boyfriend to achieve this.

"I seem to only be able to get off (I think), to lesbian porn"

Porn can be a habit for many to cope with stress, Masturbating and escaping in a fantasy world to create a temporary fulfillment of escapism and joy in reality.
Porn can also be destructive in how it can change one's perception of sex and what your mind is associating to arousal.

Watching nothing but Lesbian porn for most of your life is not a good thing. Eventually your mind will only be aroused to these images and erceptions and it can cloud your judgement in many other areas like your witnessing today.

As part of your healing process, cut porn out completely and look within yourself to find out who you trully are and what you want.

I would start with a big bar of chocolate to get those endorphins running