Breaking up... need advice

**eliz26** · 04-28-2011 06:15 PM

First of all, I have been "dating" an older man for a few months now. I say that loosely because we haven't actually gone out anywhere, but rather we get together a few nights a week at my place for dinner, a movie, and he typically stays over. This situation has been complicated therefore we have kept our relationship a secret. (The secrecy has definitely been wearing on me.) I think he is absolutely great and he adores me, but I just don't see things working out long term. I love spending time with him and enjoy talking to him very much, but I can't help but think about the many dating possibilities that are out there. I am newly divorced (Jan.), and while this man has been incredibly supportive and really wonderful in that he has shown me what love can and should be, I'm not sure he's the one. The biggie is that I am 26 and he is 53. (Some of you may remember my post a while back entitled "Love and all that comes with it"). I do feel love for him, but it's not complete... mainly due to the reservations I have regarding age, etc.

One other issue that seems to be weighing on my decision to end this relationship is related to sex. He divorced seven years ago and was not sexually active in the seven years since the divorce was final. Basically, I am his first. We have been intimate, but he has a very difficult time getting and maintaining an erection. I know age has a lot to do with it, but it makes me feel really awkward that he can't stay erect. When we are able to have intercourse, it only lasts 30-60 seconds. I was never "in to" sex when I was married. I thought something was wrong with me because I had zero sex drive. That has completely changed with this man because he knows exactly what to do to get me in the mood and takes his time with me. For that, I am thankful because I always blamed my sex drive issues on me and never realized my ex had a role. Anyway… sex is not a huge deal to me in any relationship, but I would like to have it and enjoy it on occasion. The sex part is just really bad in this current situation.

There are other minor issues, but these are the biggest (i.e. age, sex). He is also about to leave for the summer (We are both teachers at the same school which complicates things even more). I don’t want to spend my summer here missing him. On the other hand, I can’t imagine not talking to him at least by phone every day.

End it, or not?

**LanaBear** · 04-28-2011 06:30 PM

I think you have enough reservations about this relationship that it would be wise to end it. Consider it an experience, teaching you there is a lot more to a relationship than what you had experienced in the past. You are newly divorced, experience life some more.

Something is missing in the relationship. The two of you are not allowing yourselves to be seen out and about with each other for certain reasons. The two of you are this big secret, like you said, it's wearing on you. I totally understand why.

Consider at least taking a break for the summer while he is gone. Sort through your head, go have fun, experience life and yourself. If the two of you are led back to each other, then reevaluate things at that time.

**WildChild** · 04-28-2011 11:20 PM

I don't recall if you explained before why you are keeping this under wraps.

Sexually there is something to the saying, Use it or lose it. Speaking as a woman in his age group, men take longer to recover after sex (fewer repeats) as they get older but this should have nothing to do with premature ejaculation.

It does sound like the two of you are in very different places in life. Perhaps a break this summer would give you both a chance to spread your wings a bit and get a better feel for what you want?

**eliz26** · 04-29-2011 07:33 PM

Thank you for your post. I think you are exactly right in that it might be a good idea to take the summer off. I am a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it will find a way to happen. Having the conversation with him is going to be so hard. I really do adore him and I most certainly don't want to upset him. He is a wonderful man. Oh this is difficult!

**caterpillar79** · 04-29-2011 10:18 PM

You don't have to cut it off yet. Rule of odds and evens - pick which one. During odd days (1, 3, 5...) act, think and feel as if you were single, during even days act as if you are going for the long haul. Set a time/date to start and end your observation. See how that makes you feel and take it from there. Then you can go ahead with your "speech" prior to your summer. Take the time to know the man better. you have just been divorced and it takes longer than you know it to fully heal the heart. (I'm also a teacher and a divorcee).

**spurzzz** · 04-30-2011 03:22 AM

It seems like the pair of you have been seeking comfort in each other while you both have been dealing with the emotional trauma of a breakup....

I too have been with someone a lot older then myself and have had the same reservations as yourself. Age for me does not really matter, what matters is the character of the two involved and how much they are willing to try and make things work. I loved having an older partner, as i'm sure many yound women do too because the relationship provided me with not only Love and Sex but Security....

You have to think whether or not this relationship is realistic or not.....the worst thing you want to do is be emotionally dependent/attached to him which will make it a lot harder to leave. Weigh up all your options and consider what you want in life, both personally and on a relationship scale and then make a decision. Better to cut your ties sooner rather then later for both of you....

Alternatively, if you decide to stay and give the relationship a go.....highlight all your concerns that are tangible and work hard (no pun) at rendering them better. Oh and go public with the relationship, no excuses......unless it gets you both the sack from school then it's a tough call.

Good luck either way, try and stay positive

**Maximus** · 04-30-2011 01:57 PM

Usually when we ask a question, we already know the answer.
So I take it you know what to do, only "need" a sound board.
This may bring more confusion if there are various sounds, several mixing with your own.

The key question is how can you end this relationship gracefully ?

**eliz26** · 04-30-2011 02:11 PM

Virgile, you are correct. Ending gracefully is easier said than done, espcially when there are still strong emotions felt between the two parties. Any tips? :-)

**Maximus** · 04-30-2011 02:23 PM

The rule I live is: If I tell you I love you I must equally be ready to let you go at any time.

Scaling down this breaks down into respect of who the other is, different paths, acknowledging what you have, so it does not become a rejection of the partner in order to move on.
Avoiding the pitfalls of ego clashes, suffering the sting of rejection, but rather shining the light on the paths you have chosen, both.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2011 04:38 PM

You know, I had a wicked sex drive until I married my husband, mainly because he would view all woman as ...and as such, I kind of hid I guess, stupid move on my behalf that being getting married

So, yes, I understand where you are coming from when someone is giving in that department and all of a sudden you are alive again, I am now engaged to a gorgeous man...

When you Divorce you are certainly looking for things that you didn't have before, it becomes a priority....This man, offered you some of the important things you needed that you missed....

But, forget the age factor....He also has not offered you anything that comes with meeting the man you can look at a future with. You can't be locked behind closed doors 50% of your life with a man, no dates, no movies, no friends over, couple events no lust..

This isn't living and you know it.

Someone always breaks someone's heart the main thing is you both needed each other "at that time" and now it's not the case.

CW