Okay so I'm sort of confused about a lot of things (long post)

**Julie154** · 05-12-2011 05:07 PM

I’m 18 and sort of new to the dating thing. I know I’m late in the game but I didn’t date in high school so that’s why. There are a lot of things I’m still unsure of though!

I’m absolutely crazy about the guy I’m seeing right now and it’s been almost a month. He does all the right things. Calls me/texts me, respects me, but there’s just one problem. He still isn’t comfortable with calling me his girlfriend. Once his best friend asked us, “So are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend now?” and he just kind of hesitated and didn’t really answer. Then another friend said, “I’m so happy you guys are together!” the other day and there was a notable beat before he said “Thank you.” He doesn’t deny our relationship but he certainly isn’t confirming it! Am I being too paranoid? Should I just let him confirm it when he’s ready to confirm it or is this cause for concern?

Another thing I’m worried about is that he’s fingered me a few times and has gone down on me orally but I’ve yet to pleasure him. (please, please, the last thing I need is for people to be all judgmental about this.) I guess some of you are thinking “well why are you letting him go down on you before he calls you his girlfriend?” and I guess that was a mistake but I was lost in the moment and it’s too late now. I feel bad that I’m afraid to go down on him but I really am freaked about doing it! He says it’s fine but I am wondering how long it’ll be before he gets fed up but I don’t want that to be the reason I pleasure him!

Finally, I’m all confused about sex. I’m a virgin and my mom always told me to wait for the guy I truly love before I have sex. She’s not necessarily talking about marriage, just that I should be in a serious relationship with someone I really love. I lived by that for a while but if everyone else just goes ahead and does is it really that special? I know I’m not ready to have sex yet but why do I have to wait for that? How long will that even be? If I do wait that long will I be happy I did or will I think that it wasn’t even a big deal and could’ve done it a long time ago?

I’m sorry this is so long but I just have a lot of concerns right now

**spurzzz** · 05-13-2011 04:07 AM

Hi Julie, welcome to WH

I can see that your head is full of questions right now and that is good, it is better to try and understand things first before diving in head first(pun intended)

right, where to start...

There is nothing wrong with being curious but what you have to remember is that everyone remember's the first time, no matter how old you get... and you do want to make sure it is memorable rather than a moment you would rather not bring up again. What is right and what is wrong....only you can make that call, I guess you will know within yourself when the moment is right.....you know that moment when you trust someone and feel your love for them.

Why not wait until things develop further with this guy. There is no need to rush, if the intentions are there to be boyfriend and girlfriend. If he doesn't have that intention (and you cannot assume he does) than how do you know he will not want a quick fumble and than leave you for the next girl? That is the point where if you have developed feelings for him, an emotional bond, it can leave you traumatized. Your mum who advises you to wait speaks from experience you know

Once there is love and trust, that is when the waiting time will shorten. Until than, I would not rush into anything and please don't feel pressured into doing anything you do not want to do. And yes, it is special, but only when done with someone you care and trust. You will not regret the wait, I promise

**Julie154** · 05-13-2011 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by spurzzz

Hi Julie, welcome to WH

I can see that your head is full of questions right now and that is good, it is better to try and understand things first before diving in head first(pun intended)

right, where to start...

There is nothing wrong with being curious but what you have to remember is that everyone remember's the first time, no matter how old you get... and you do want to make sure it is memorable rather than a moment you would rather not bring up again. What is right and what is wrong....only you can make that call, I guess you will know within yourself when the moment is right.....you know that moment when you trust someone and feel your love for them.

Why not wait until things develop further with this guy. There is no need to rush, if the intentions are there to be boyfriend and girlfriend. If he doesn't have that intention (and you cannot assume he does) than how do you know he will not want a quick fumble and than leave you for the next girl? That is the point where if you have developed feelings for him, an emotional bond, it can leave you traumatized. Your mum who advises you to wait speaks from experience you know

Once there is love and trust, that is when the waiting time will shorten. Until than, I would not rush into anything and please don't feel pressured into doing anything you do not want to do. And yes, it is special, but only when done with someone you care and trust. You will not regret the wait, I promise

Thank you so much for the advice! Much appreciated. I'm sort of already in the mind set you advised me to be in. I'll wait for the first time to be special and then decide for myself what sex really means to me. In some ways I have a feeling my mom will be right.

As far as he's concerned I'm not quite sure what to do. I could wait before going down on him but isn't that being a tease in some ways? Like he can pleasure me but I can't pleasure him because I want to wait for a confirmation from him? And if I just stop letting him touch me he'll want to know why and I don't want him to freak out by me saying "I want to wait until we're official before doing things from now on".

It's still too soon to ask him if we're a couple, unless he says so himself. I'm seeing him today, and you never know he may bring it up, but I doubt it.

**Mes T** · 05-13-2011 08:20 PM

Hi Julie,

I didn't start dating til I was 18 either. Didn't date in high school, also thought of myself as a late starter... but in hindsight I think 18 isn't so late at all.

Lots of people, especially those who are new to relationships like your guy may be, might not quite understand what the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" means. They might think that term is more serious than it is... that "girlfriend" means soon you'll be married with children.

I think if you two sit down and have a quick chat about what those words mean to you, you'll both understand each other a little better.

Why are you afraid of going down on him? The bedroom is about giving and taking, hopefully in equal measures.

About sex. When I was 18 I had the same views, that I should wait for "the one." And after being with my then-boyfriend for 6 months or so we finally did it, and I was quite unimpressed to be honest. Sex is something that rarely happens perfectly the first time around. It's something that takes skill, time, practice to learn... like driving a car, riding a bike, cooking, sewing, anything.

I would definitely wait to have sex until you're COMFORTABLE with the person, trust him, etc, and have the necessary protection and education on the matter in general.

**Isabellacat** · 05-13-2011 11:47 PM

It's still kinda early to tell,but sounds like you really like this guy alot. Have you ever confronted him about him not referring to you as girlfriend?? I once dated a guy like that and yea I feel your frustation.I say give it some time,and when it feels right ask him why.

Don't stress too much over it tho. You're young and just have fun.Don't take things too fast. Just give it some time. It will happen.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-14-2011 04:35 AM

I can understand why you are confused.

It's so hard at 18, 17, 16,21,24 see what I am saying age is a number.

How do you really feel about not going down on him, not you personally it's scary when not done but you say he says it's okay but does he try to instigate it? Does he go down on you first and then maybe try to guide you?

He won't commit sweet to being your boyfriend..... But he will try to get you feeling that feeling, I am going to go against everyone who is being nice because what if?

What if he's not claiming you as his girlfriend because he is hoping he is going to get you to the point where he is the first.

Any man that as you say respect, but confuses you as if you are his or not, makes you feel comfortable over not going down on him, the truth? As others have stated wait.... Just wait.... If after 3 months it still doesn't bother him then it's you he likes otherwise, it is good that you are following your gut feeling, and wondering, because it is possible after only a few weeks that he is hoping ...to be...your first.

This is the hardest times of our lives sweet, they are hunters and we are sexy as in the waiting...

Just wait you'll know because me won't wait that long

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-14-2011 04:35 AM

Sorry honey, they will if you are what they want in their life, you, the inner person, dating you dinner, movie does he do any of that?

**Julie154** · 05-15-2011 10:11 AM

I think I solved one of the issues…I meant another one of his friends the other night and he asked us, “So are you guys official?” and he said very casually, very relaxed, “I’d say so.” I’ll take it, haha. I think he just isn’t as concerned with that kind of stuff.

Why are you afraid of going down on him? The bedroom is about giving and taking, hopefully in equal measures

I’m afraid of going down on him because touching it freaks me out. I hate to sound all innocent but it really does. Also I’m so scared because I know the first time I try to I’ll probably do it all wrong and I’ll be embarrassed. And don’t even get me started on oral. I know one of these days I’ll most definitely be ready to give a hand job…but I can’t even think about putting my mouth on it!

Well, anyway, thanks for all the advice everyone